Men are so confusing

ShyViolet · #1 11-11-2004, 03:38 PM

So I've read the "he's just not that into you" thread, and whatnot. My situation is a little different.
So I start my master's in a brand new place, ready for a great new start at everything. When, lo and behold, one starts itself. It was nice, very casual, nothing too involved or too serious. We have a lot in common, get on really well, and have great chemistry. Then, two weeks later, he stopped by and said that although he really likes me he didn't want a relationship.
Hmm. Frustrating, but ok. So we continue to be friends, chat, go out with mutual friends, for the past month. And last week a good friend said that she flat out asked him what was going on. To which he replied that he STILL really fancied me, but didn't want to hurt me.
My question of the hour is: how can a guy, who's still interested in me, and I'm interested in him, just ignore how he feels? It makes no sense to me. Also, should I bother attempting to seduce him? I've gotten conflicting advice: one says yes, seduce him, the other says no, he's an idiot and should be left to his own devices. Do I leave him to it, when there's a chance that it could be really good?
I don't want to end up like Bridget Jones: found alone in flat three weeks later, half-eaten by wild dogs. haha. Any input appreciated! sorry for the long post.

~ ShyViolet

valkyrie · #2 11-11-2004, 05:38 PM

If he doesn't want a relationship, he doesn't want a relationship, period. You can seduce him or not seduce him and it won't make a bit of difference. I think women get into trouble sometimes because they think they can do something or say something that will make a guy want a relationship. They can't. It's likely he can tell you want things to be more serious than he wants to be, and it's pretty cool that he's telling you he doesn't want a relationship -- he's not leading you on at all, and the best thing for you is to either accept being friends or not hang out with him at all.

I've said this before but -- for a guy to get into a relationship, two things have to be true: (1) the woman has to be the right woman, and (2) it has to be the right time. Without either part of the equation it's just not going to happen. You might be the right woman but it's the wrong time, and nothing you can do will change that.

texas*princess · #3 11-11-2004, 05:48 PM

well said valkyrie!

also, maybe i'm just a big nerd, but if you do try to seduce him... he's more than likely going to think "this is GREAT! i don't have to bother putting up with having any kind of relationship whatsoever, and I STILL get sex!" and he probably won't change his mind on the whole relationship thing either.

adpiucf · #4 11-11-2004, 06:11 PM

Unless he's making an effort, don't bother. You have other fish to fry. It's only going to frustrate you and it isn't going to lead to the meaningful relationship you want.

I've decided men are dogs (sorry GC boys) and if they're truly interested, they'll come sniffing around on their own.

In other words, let sleeping dogs lie. It's hard, but you've got to think of yourself.

chideltjen · #5 11-11-2004, 07:10 PM

Co-signing with everyone else.

It's not worth the time or energy if he's not interested in anything serious. I mean if you force him into a relationship, that won't be fun either.

And honestly, if he is so indecisive about getting into a relationship now, further down the relationship, if you had one, what else would he not be able to give you a clear answer on?

Plenty of fish in the sea I say.

norcalchick · #6 11-11-2004, 08:02 PM

I've been there before, except for the having mutual friends. And he was the one telling me that he still liked me but wasn't ready for a relationship. I still messed around with him though cause the sex was good. lol. But you get hurt after awhile cause you do get attached, even if it's just a little bit. A year later, he regrets how he treated me and wishes that he stayed with me (because I really am a great girlfriend). HA! Too late, I already have a great boyfriend. I still talk to him as friends though.

So, just let it go. You'll feel better if he comes crawling back to you.

AGDee · #7 11-11-2004, 09:14 PM

A friend of mine was lamenting the other night about a very similar situation. She didn't understand why he stopped calling. I pointed out to her that he was honest with her from the start "I don't want a relationship" means that. There is nothing confusing about it!

He's Just Not That Into You

She bought the book and read it in a day and said she wished it had been published 10 years ago!

Dee

adpiucf · #8 11-12-2004, 10:16 AM

Yeah... men suck

cashmoney · #9 11-12-2004, 02:46 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by adpiucf
Yeah... men suck

So do chicks.

valkyrie · #10 11-12-2004, 03:17 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by adpiucf
Yeah... men suck

See, I think this guy really DOESN'T suck. He's being completely honest here.

adpiucf · #11 11-12-2004, 03:20 PM

Yes, I agree with you there. I was just lamenting about men in general.

AKA_Monet · #12 11-12-2004, 09:07 PM

Make sure you practice, practice, practice the "spin move", the "sets of nine" and "the swan positions"...

And use all imagery you will need to keep him preoccupied with just you...

But you will not be able to keep him when you practice the tantra and the kama sutra... But at least you can get "yours" in the room and he will not leave as a "one minute man"...

And you really should start so early in a graduate degree program with any kind of serious relationship. If you can handle it, you can still have your fun, but just know there is no point in having anything remotely maritial...

thermobryan · #13 11-12-2004, 09:28 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by cashmoney
So do chicks.

Damn straight...

wrigley · #14 11-13-2004, 12:56 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ShyViolet
Then, two weeks later, he stopped by and said that although he really likes me he didn't want a relationship.
. And last week a good friend said that she flat out asked him what was going on. To which he replied that he STILL really fancied me, but didn't want to hurt me.
~ ShyViolet

Based on these statements, here's what I think it means. He likes you BUT not enough to date you. He said it twice. Once to you in person and again to your friend. Take the hint.

When he says "didn't want to hurt me" to your friend it means he doesn't know how else to let you down easy. Valkyrie is right he could have easily lead you on but he's actually being honest and respectful of you. That's a rarity these days.

If you can't be friends with him right now because your feelings are too strong for him then tell him so. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you, some people can't switch gears that fast. It happens sometimes. Cool off and move on. You're still leaving the door open for continuing the friendship at a later time.

PhiPsiRuss · #15 11-13-2004, 01:01 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by valkyrie
See, I think this guy really DOESN'T suck. He's being completely honest here.

And that is at the heart of so many problems between men and women. Women always want communicate, but they can't handle the truth.

My advice for women is to
1) understand that men can hang out without saying a word, and be perfectly happy.
2) Never, ever ask, "what are you thinking." This turns many of us into liars because we know that you can't handle the truth. In general, don't ask any question where the honest answer has punitive ramifications.