Men and women and breakups: Dissapointment vs. Betrayal

[James]

Ok.

I was talking to some people the other day about break-ups and we saw a general pattern that I wanted to run by you guys.

When a long term relationship ends and its deifnitely over, there seems to be a slight difference in perspective between men and women.

Most men I know feel dissapointed that the relationship didn't work out, maybe even a little relieved that it was finally over assuming the process of breaking was unpleasant.

Women i have spoken to, and watching posts on here, seem to feel almost betrayed by the end of the relationship. Almost like there is some implied contract that the guy has broken by not being a better mate or making sure thinks are worked out.

I was wondering if thats why women seem a tad bit more vindictive after a relationship is over . . .

This is also assuming that cheating is not involved, I think most people feel betrayed when someone cheats.

Anyone else notice this difference at all?

[ZTAMich]

I think I can say that this is pretty much how my ex and I feel about our relationship ending. He feels happy it's over and I'm wondering where the heck he was when I was trying to make things work for the last month or so...

can't believe i'm agreeing with you James...

[GMUBunny]

Dammit. I wanted to be the first to admit that we do feel betrayed and become vindictive little whores! Delete your post and repost it after mine!

Anywho, I know I have to be James' muse, cuz he's my free therapy. And nobody has drama like the Bunny

I know that a lot of girls might try to argue his point, but the fact of the matter is, in most cases he's right. Everyone has their own experiences and I'm not going to speak for anyone else, just myself. Even now that my marriage probably won't happen, I'm upset at him... and I'm the one calling it off!

Anyone who remembers the virgin dude I was dating back in September remembers that I wanted him drawn and quartered when he dumped me, and he never even cheated! So yeah, we can be slightly bitter and vengeful...

[aurora_borealis]

The young man that things just ended with, it was a disappointment. However it was mutual because he has a lot of personal stuff going on, and he didn't spend enough time single before we got involved. I genuinely care for him, and he cares about me, but it just isn't the right time. We're going to see how things are at the end of the summer and take it from there. if I get involved with someone else, then it is his loss.

However...
If I was cheated on and/or lied to, that is a combination of betrayal and disappointment. Betrayal is obvious, because lying and cheating is low and classless. Disappointment is deeper. Why couldn't he be the man I thought he was and either end things, or be honest? I am highly disappointed in people who can't be an adult and have a relationship.

[SmartBlondeGPhB]

I've actually never gotten vindictive towards any guy I've dated. I've really hated one, but it was for far more than the break up (which I did).

I figure, no matter how things end, at some point in time I really liked the guy and I really enjoyed being with him otherwise I would have ended it before he did. What does it say about my taste in men if I suddenly decide he's scum of the earth......

[AchtungBaby80]

I don't know about betrayed...but disappointed, oh yeah. Now, you have to take circumstances into account, but generally I think everybody feels disappointment, not just guys.

Sorry, James...I guess you might have to tickle me into submission after all, because I'm disagreeing with you again.

[sugar and spice]

I think that whenever somebody gets dumped and they didn't see it coming, they feel betrayed. And more likely than not, this tends to be the girl. However, I've seen it with guys too.

[AGDee]

I think it depends on the people involved and the nature of the break up. I do think that the feeling of betrayal comes when there has been cheating going on, or the breaking of what were interpreted as promises. "I'm going to love you forever", "There will never be anybody else for me", "When we get married.." etc. It also feels like betrayal if there was expression of deep affection just prior to the break up. Boy says "I love you" and "makes love" and then breaks up shortly after.. that gives rather mixed messages. It's like "So you loved me two days ago and today you never want to see me again?". I think that a lot of the time, the break up was a long time coming but the person continued with the same habit of saying the same things and acting the same way, thereby blindsiding the person.

The only time I ever really felt betrayed was when I had been dating someone for a few months and he got on my case because I wouldn't assume there was a future between us. I said I wanted to buy an old pickup truck in a couple years just for Home Depot runs and he said something like "Don't you realize that in a couple years my truck will be your truck too?", implying he thought we'd be married. We had a talk about my cynicism and he swore he'd prove to me that he was a man of his word, would be around forever, etc. He broke up a week later, with some lame excuse about moving out of state.

Dee

[Peaches-n-Cream]

I don't think that I have ever been betrayed by anyone. I have been hurt, disappointed, sad, and angry. Upon reflection and with time, I have been relieved that I got out before more damage could be done and more pain inflicted.

My friend was betrayed about six months ago and is in therapy about it. It's strange how a capricious gesture of one person can devastate someone else.

[swissmiss04]

I'd have to say the end of my relationships are more marked w/ disappointment than a feeling of betrayal. I feel bad that things didn't work out, but gradually I come to find the reasons it didn't, and I accept it and then move on. The thought of contacting an ex (especially right after breaking up) just makes me laugh. I wouldn't be an ass, but I wouldn't be a friend either.

[veemers]

Originally posted by James
Women i have spoken to, and watching posts on here, seem to feel almost betrayed by the end of the relationship. Almost like there is some implied contract that the guy has broken by not being a better mate or making sure thinks are worked out.

**tongue in cheek**

But he could have at least tried to work things out, instead of just ignoring me!

**/end cheekiness**

[sororitygirl2]

Have you ever seen "Vanilla Sky" before?

Cameron Diaz: "You f***d me four times the other night. You've been inside me. I swallowed your cum. That means something!" and "Don't you know that when you sleep with someone, your body makes a promise whether you do or not. "

NOW... let me clarify immediately - I am not psycho! But, I think these quotes support James point, and I agree wholeheartedly with his argument.

I don't think sex is a promise, not for most anyway. But, when you say you love someone, it is, at least to an extent. It means you care, and you don't just give up on things you care about. So, when a so-called "loving" relationship ends, I feel somewhat betrayed that perhaps he didn't really love me in the first place. And if he had, he wouldn't have given up. That's my theory anyway.

But, I don't get all crazy, wacked-out, vindictive on his ass or anything. I just get sad.

[James]

bump

[33girl]

betrayal often has nothing to do with what someone does. the worse betrayal is when you thought someone KNEW you and they had no clue. they weren't loving YOU, they were loving who they thought you were and they're disappointed when that's not the real thing, because that would be easier.

Thanks oodles, James, my day is effing depressing enough and then you bump this isht.

[AlphaFrog]

Odd time to bump this, as I just happened upon my Ex's facebook page this morning. (I kept saying that I would not join facebook, and then one of my chapter sisters sent me an invite and I gave in.) I haven't seen anything of him since we broke up - we haven't talked, IMed, seen eachother, etc. He did mail my class ring back to my parents house, but that's it. It's been almost 5 years, and I broke up with him, and yet, when I saw his main facebook pic was him kissing his girlfriend (the only other one he's had since me), I did feel betrayed. Of course, it could have been because in the pic, he was wearing the shirt and tie that I gave him.