Dirty Rushing

Maybe I did not explain the situation well enough. My intention was to ask for advice for anyone who has been in this situation. We are well aware of the rules of recruitment. She was told all week that she would be in the sorority. After the sorority girls on the last day told her who would be her big and what the date party would be and you are in for sure did she ask about if she should only write their name down because she was told if she did that a sorority would put you name at the bottom of the list. I do not think that is a bad question to ask if all sororities handle it differently. Her rho gams would not specifically know every sororities position on intentional bidding. Both panhel and an officer of the sorority have reached out to us to say the behavior of the sorority was wrong because they are trained in what they can and cannot say. As far as the bid she did not accept a girl in that chapter made a derogatory remark to her. I would not allow her to join a sorority that did that during recruitment. We have some of the dirty rushing in writing and witnesses to the derogatory remark. If anyone has been through this kind of situation and has any advice I would appreciate it. Panhel told her to contact the National chapter and the NPC. I am just not sure if that is the right thing to do. Please do not give parenting advice. I know she should live with disappointment and inferring that a 17 year old did something wrong is a judgement that is not needed right now. Please only comment if you have been through this type of situation and any advice you can provide in how to handle it.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by Tdlegacy

Maybe I did not explain the situation well enough. My intention was to ask for advice for anyone who has been in this situation. We are well aware of the rules of recruitment. She was told all week that she would be in the sorority. After the sorority girls on the last day told her who would be her big and what the date party would be and you are in for sure did she ask about if she should only write their name down because she was told if she did that a sorority would put you name at the bottom of the list. I do not think that is a bad question to ask if all sororities handle it differently. Her rho gams would not specifically know every sororities position on intentional bidding. Both panhel and an officer of the sorority have reached out to us to say the behavior of the sorority was wrong because they are trained in what they can and cannot say. As far as the bid she did not accept a girl in that chapter made a derogatory remark to her. I would not allow her to join a sorority that did that during recruitment. We have some of the dirty rushing in writing and witnesses to the derogatory remark. If anyone has been through this kind of situation and has any advice I would appreciate it. Panhel told her to contact the National chapter and the NPC. I am just not sure if that is the right thing to do. Please do not give parenting advice. I know she should live with disappointment and inferring that a 17 year old did something wrong is a judgement that is not needed right now. Please only comment if you have been through this type of situation and any advice you can provide in how to handle it.

You're asking sorority women about sorority recruitment. I think we all have some right to answer here. You asked a question, so we're providing responses. I don't think that any information you've been provided was in any way disparaging your daughter or judging your parenting skills.

Yes, your daughter asking that question of them might have turned them off or put them in a tight spot. Might have. None of us can say for sure. We weren't there. But again, that's what her recruitment counselor is for - to discuss her options. RFM applies to all of the sororities equally. And if she thought she was being dirty rushed, she should have brought it to someone's attention sooner and she shouldn't have asked that question of the chapter members that were dirty rushing her.

However, you ended your second post saying that you don't believe the sorority did anything malicious and you think there were miscalculations made. It was explained why miscalculations were not the issue.

Now you're saying there's evidence of and witnesses to the dirty rushing and you're asking if you should potentially send this up the chain of command.

Ultimately, it's your daughter's decision. But in my opinion, if she makes this a big deal now, she may kill any chance she has of joining a sorority. Since recruitment is over and she only brought this to someone's attention after she didn't get the bid she wanted, it may come back to bite her. Not pointing fingers here! But I'm sure that would be an argument made against her. But there's relatively few details for us to go on, so saying to do one thing over another is difficult without all of the facts in front of us. I'm not saying you should provide them all, but that's the position we're in here.

[33girl]

There is no such thing as “intentional bidding.” That’s a brand new term for this thread.

Also, stop pussyfooting around - what was the derogatory remark? Was it racial? About her appearance? What? Or did it have nothing to do with her and it was just something that accidentally popped out of a tired member’s mouth? It honestly sounds like you’re blowing this way out of proportion to have an excuse as to why she shouldn’t be bound to this sorority for a year. Maybe if she sat down and had an actual conversation with the girl that said it, the matter could be cleared up and she could get on with life and have fun in a sorority.

33 girl
I used the word intentional bidding because I hate to use the word suicide. I should have clarified myself. The derogatory remarks were body shaming and laughing at her. It was humiliating and intimidating to have this happen at rush. My daughter was recently bullied by college boys about his so it is a sensitive subject. I am not sure what the girls intent was but the damage is done. My daughter made an appointment to talk to the president of that chapter. Nothing more she can do accept report the remarks however it is difficult to understand someone’s intent in such a short period of time.

33girl
I used the word intentional bidding because I hate to use the word suicide. I should have clarified myself. The derogatory remarks were body shaming and laughing at her. It was humiliating and intimidating to have this happen at rush. My daughter was recently bullied by college boys about his so it is a sensitive subject. I am not sure what the girls intent was but the damage is done. My daughter made an appointment to talk to the president of that chapter. Nothing more she can do accept report the remarks however it is difficult to understand someone’s intent in such a short period of time.[/QUOTE]

[33girl]

Originally Posted by Tdlegacy

33girl
I used the word intentional bidding because I hate to use the word suicide. I should have clarified myself. The derogatory remarks were body shaming and laughing at her. It was humiliating and intimidating to have this happen at rush. My daughter was recently bullied by college boys about his so it is a sensitive subject. I am not sure what the girls intent was but the damage is done. My daughter made an appointment to talk to the president of that chapter. Nothing more she can do accept report the remarks however it is difficult to understand someone’s intent in such a short period of time.

[/QUOTE]

Like you said, it’s difficult to understand someone’s intent especially in such an emotionally charged situation. No doubt this was a rusher who was super nervous herself and probably wanted to take back what she said the minute it came out of her mouth.

And for the record, the “modern” term for suiciding is “Intentional Single Preference” or ISP.

[carnation]

A sorority member made fun of your daughter's body and laughed at her? In rush? And they gave her a bid? I'm missing something here.

[FSUZeta]

Originally Posted by ASTalumna06

Ultimately, it's your daughter's decision. But in my opinion, if she makes this a big deal now, she may kill any chance she has of joining a sorority. Since recruitment is over and she only brought this to someone's attention after she didn't get the bid she wanted, it may come back to bite her. Not pointing fingers here! But I'm sure that would be an argument made against her. But there's relatively few details for us to go on, so saying to do one thing over another is difficult without all of the facts in front of us. I'm not saying you should provide them all, but that's the position we're in here.

THIS!!!Don't take this any further. It will only end up working against your daughter, whether she rushes in a year or not. It might not be too late to step away with grace and dignity. Whatever you say to NPC or the sorority's national office, it most likely will not hurt the chapter, so let it go.

And if it's not too late, I would encourage your daughter to get together with members of the sorority that offered her a bid. It is much easier to see the real, day to day person after rush is over. She may find that she has a lot in common with them and might want to give pledgeship there a try. She has right up until initiation to make her final decision, and if, at that time, she feels no connection, then she can resign before she is initiated and can rush again. After all, she is bound to that sorority now until rush rolls around again next year, so she might as well give it a try.

[carnation]

Tdlegacy, every woman who has commented in this thread has been a sorority advisor on the local or regional level, plus many have also been involved with Panhellenic. Some of us are moms whose daughters' rushes may or may not have been so great. You would not believe the things we have seen or heard in recruitment.

Regardless,we can tell you that a bid will not appear now, no matter what kinds of proof you have. For now, her options are to remain independent until the next recruitment or to see if she can still pledge the sorority that gave her a bid. And I guarantee that if you get involved, she will not only never get a bid from the first sorority but that other sororities will talk and they won't want a member whose mom gets involved in the wrong way.

[honeychile]

Originally Posted by carnation

Tdlegacy, every woman who has commented in this thread has been a sorority advisor on the local or regional level, plus many have also been involved with Panhellenic. Some of us are moms whose daughters' rushes may or may not have been so great. You would not believe the things we have seen or heard in recruitment.

Regardless,we can tell you that a bid will not appear now, no matter what kinds of proof you have. For now, her options are to remain independent until the next recruitment or to see if she can still pledge the sorority that gave her a bid. And I guarantee that if you get involved, she will not only never get a bid from the first sorority but that other sororities will talk and they won't want a member whose mom gets involved in the wrong way.

This. Your daughter will most certainly NOT benefit from an aggressive mother at this point. Her best game plan is to keep her grades up, join an activity or two, and if she gets a natural chance to make friends with sorority member, all the better. A natural chance being having a class or an activity with a sister of any sorority, not just the one she wanted. Nobody wants to give a bid to someone seen as desperate or pushy.

Honeychile,
Thank you for the advice and response. I do not think she is being pushy she has been friends with several girls in the sorority for 12 years. She still considers them friends but feels betrayed if that makes sense. The perception of betrayal needs to be cleared up or the friendships will be compromised.

[AZTheta]

+1 to all the posts. You guys are spot on.

Originally Posted by Tdlegacy

After the sorority girls on the last day told her who would be her big and what the date party would be and you are in for sure did she ask about if she should only write their name down because she was told if she did that a sorority would put you name at the bottom of the list. I do not think that is a bad question to ask if all sororities handle it differently.

Another clarification although you said you are well aware of the rules of recruitment: that is not how it works. Only a very few people know the order of the bid list (usually the Recruitment Chair, her Advisor, maybe one or two others). When the sororities make their bid lists, there's no way they know if a PNM SIP'ed! That's way past impossible. How would they even know? I can't imagine any scenario that wouldn't stretch the boundaries of credibility. The PNMs are submitting their signed MRABAs with their selections in a completely different physical place. No interactions with any sororities. It's all handled in a professional, organized, business manner, and I believe the NPC RFM specialist is present for this process, or is available (correct me if I'm wrong). The sororities submit their bid lists separately. THEN bid matching starts (computerized, all of this).

No way a sorority can go back and reorder their list after it has been submitted. Ask me how I know this. Yeah. Mistakes made, oops. Then, voila! Quota additions OR COB, depending on circumstances. Oh the stories some could tell.

A caveat:we have had discussions about recruitment practices. Lots of discussions in the past two years. I'm leaving it at that for now. You can read into this whatever you choose.