What went wrong?

[Sororitysock]

Originally Posted by Sphinxie

Saw this, and I had a question. I posted about my daughter, who dropped out of rush under similar circumstances and then came back older and wiser, having regretted it. If RFM says that the heaviest cuts are the first invitational party, so sororities should drop girls they have no intention of pledging at that point, why were both this girl and my daughter kept through several invitational parties, only to be dropped by most right on pref night?

My daughter got invited to 8 parties (the max allowed) the first invitational day, 6 parties (the max allowed) the second invitational day, including one chapter considered "top" at that school. So she felt like she could get into that chapter or, at least, she had a good cushion of solidly mid-tier houses. I assume if she had horrible social media or a bad reputation, she'd have been dropped earlier than that. But then, BOOM! On pref night, when she was feeling safe, she got dropped by all but her last two choices. They didn't tell her until RIGHT before the parties, so she cried and messed up her makeup (She's fair, so crying gets her really blotchy), and even though she did like one of the chapters that invited her back, she didn't want to go as a red-faced mess, which is why she dropped out. No one wants to walk into pref, looking like they have been crying hysterically about their parties. If she'd had any advance warning, such as if some of those 4 sororities had dropped her earlier OR if they'd at least told her her invitations more than a few minutes before the parties, she probably wouldn't have dropped.

So my question is, if the heavy cuts are supposed to come on Day 3 (or 2 if it's a school with fewer chapters), why did they come on pref night for both my daughter and this girl? It did occur to my daughter that a couple of girls in one house must not have liked her as much as she thought they did, but again, wouldn't they know that the first or second day?

Fwiw, Mountainmama, I get why you were shocked and upset. When you have a clear head, you might want to try to join the sorority that did invite you back, either through COB if that's allowed or next year. My daughter did so, and she is very happy.

You don't understand how RFM works. The number of PNMs are whittled down until preference, where every single one of the invited PNMs is someone the sisters would be happy giving a bid to.

Even if the heaviest percentage cuts were made first, or second or third round (they aren't - cuts are based on return rates that vary by chapter), PNMs must be cut each round. Presumably, the chapter gets to know the PNMs better with each round and cuts those who they see as less of a better fit for the chapter. PNMs are presumably doing the same thing each round, which is where mutual selection comes in.

All PNMs are not equal. You can't game the system. It's an absurd new sport that seems to be the snow plow mom game of this recruitment season.

As for when PNMs are informed of their invite list, it varies by school and will never be "long enough" when you're the one facing disappointment. This may be your child's first disappointment, but there will be many to come in her lifetime. Protecting our children from every single disappointment and speed bump in life only magnifies the difficulty they will experience in their lifetime.

[Sphinxie]

Originally Posted by Sororitysock

This may be your child's first disappointment, but there will be many to come in her lifetime. Protecting our children from every single disappointment and speed bump in life only magnifies the difficulty they will experience in their lifetime.

You don't know me, and you really don't know my daughter, so please don't act like you do. First of all, this was hardly my daughter's "first disappointment" (Theater kid who has experienced rejection after rejection, thanks) and, as I stated, I'm writing about something that happened over a year ago, and she's now pledged and is happy. So I was legitimately just curious how it works, not trying to "protect our children from every single disappointment and speed bump in life." If I'd wanted to do that, I'd likely have discouraged her from rushing at all. As it was, I actually encouraged her to go back this year, as a junior, when I knew she'd get very few invitations back, to try again. I was proud of her that she did.

So, again, thanks for the life advice, but I was really JUST CURIOUS. And yes, you're right. I don't know how it works. That's why I ASKED. Is asking questions discouraged around here? I kind of thought that was the point of a message board.

Also, not trying to "game the system." She pledged.

[Sororitysock]

Originally Posted by Sphinxie

You don't know me, and you really don't know my daughter, so please don't act like you do. First of all, this was hardly my daughter's "first disappointment" (Theater kid who has experienced rejection after rejection, thanks) and, as I stated, I'm writing about something that happened over a year ago, and she's now pledged and is happy. So I was legitimately just curious how it works, not trying to "protect our children from every single disappointment and speed bump in life." If I'd wanted to do that, I'd likely have discouraged her from rushing at all. As it was, I actually encouraged her to go back this year, as a junior, when I knew she'd get very few invitations back, to try again. I was proud of her that she did.

So, again, thanks for the life advice, but I was really JUST CURIOUS. And yes, you're right. I don't know how it works. That's why I ASKED. Is asking questions discouraged around here? I kind of thought that was the point of a message board.

Also, not trying to "game the system." She pledged.

Touchy touchy. I did not say this was about your daughter, simply a trend many of us have noticed this year, trying to assign objective probabilities to subjective data. Yet somehow I hit a nerve.

Your daughter quit her first recruitment in a snit because the "top tier" sorority made the horrible mistake of inviting her to an extra round to get an opportunity to know her better before they passed. She bravely went through recruitment again as a junior and accepted a bid to one of the "lower tier" chapters that had invited her to preference her first time around. I'm glad she matured in those years in spite of having a mother who still seems hung up on tiers.

Originally Posted by Sphinxie

If RFM says thiat the heaviest cuts are the first invitational party, so sororities should drop girls they have no intention of pledging at that point, why were both this girl and my daughter kept through several invitational parties, only to be dropped by most right on pref night?

My daughter got invited to 8 parties (the max allowed) the first invitational day, 6 parties (the max allowed) the second invitational day, including one chapter considered "top" at that school. So she felt like she could get into that chapter or, at least, she had a good cushion of solidly mid-tier houses. I assume if she had horrible social media or a bad reputation, she'd have been dropped earlier than that. But then, BOOM! On pref night, when she was feeling safe, she got dropped by all but her last two choices.

Perhaps if you'd stayed active in your sorority since the 80s, you'd understand how things work today.

[Sphinxie]

Yes, perhaps. However, my sorority was a small national that closed at my university a few years after I graduated, so there aren't a lot of local alums. It's sad, but I've made my peace with it and have volunteered with other organizations such as the Junior League and have had a career. Apparently it is not acceptable to come here to ask a question when my own daughter pledged without being scolded, so I'll leave you to it. You don't seem like you have much else going on.

P.S. I posted in a thread (as you know because you're stalking my posts) that was literally about whether to pledge a lower-tier sorority, and I said yes, you should do it. So I really don't know how that makes me obsessed with tiers, or how I should have answered that question without mentioning tiers.

[33girl]

Was she the only girl they told right before pref where her parties were (or were they were not) or is that just how the timing worked? Your post makes it sound like the former, but I’m guessing it’s the latter. I agree that the timing was unfortunate, but for her to forfeit a whole year of sorority membership because she looked blotchy was a mistake on her part. I’m sure there were sorority members in those parties she was going to walk into who had ALSO been crying because a girl they thought was going to be their sister dropped their chapter. They had to shake it off and go on.

[Sphinxie]

Originally Posted by 33girl

Was she the only girl they told right before pref where her parties were (or were they were not) or is that just how the timing worked? Your post makes it sound like the former, but I’m guessing it’s the latter. I agree that the timing was unfortunate, but for her to forfeit a whole year of sorority membership because she looked blotchy was a mistake on her part. I’m sure there were sorority members in those parties she was going to walk into who had ALSO been crying because a girl they thought was going to be their sister dropped their chapter. They had to shake it off and go on.

Probably a little of both. She did mention her Rho Gamma was a little disorganized (waiting until a time when she’d actually be ON campus before telling her she needed to get there later). But I’m sure others were disorganized too.

Tbh I wasn’t actually complaining about this. It’s in the past, and my daughter has pledged and is happy with her chapter. I just thought people were a little hard on the OP, so I was saying I could see how a girl, in the moment, might not feel in a party mood but might eventually get past it and want to try again, as my daughter did. That was why I posted, to tell her to think it over. That was the advice my daughter needed and it helped her. Yes she was immature as is the OP. College is for maturing as much as anything else.