Something needs to change

[33girl]

NerdyGreek -

Aside from Greek life, how is your daughter liking the school itself?

If she loves it and the thing that she isn't liking is her sorority experience, she should probably cut her losses and move on and find a smaller, more intimate group she'll like better. Mega chapters at that school are not going away anytime soon.

But if she was relying on sorority to help her feel more comfortable at the school because she can't get acclimated, maybe she should think about transferring.

[NerdyGreek]

Originally Posted by 33girl

NerdyGreek -

Aside from Greek life, how is your daughter liking the school itself?

If she loves it and the thing that she isn't liking is her sorority experience, she should probably cut her losses and move on and find a smaller, more intimate group she'll like better. Mega chapters at that school are not going away anytime soon.

But if she was relying on sorority to help her feel more comfortable at the school because she can't get acclimated, maybe she should think about transferring.

Before rush, she loved it. She was hanging out with girls in her dorm, had made friends with students who are children of alum and thus had a tent to hang out at before football games.

She wanted to drop out of recruitment after the first two rounds. I told her I thought it was a good idea (despite my love of being Greek, and her having heard repeatedly about it). But her friends talked her into sticking with it. It was surprising as she was worried about the number of houses she had left, and was finding out most of these girls had even fewer choices (some were down to only one choice after the first two rounds. Once I heard that, I talked to her about suggesting that they all drop out. They'd have each other. In the end, I think they all pledged somewhere, but it sounds like it's fear of not being able to have a social life that motivated a lot of them - not a desire to be Greek.

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by DubaiSis

The reason we tell girls they will eventually be happy, if they want to be, is because college freshmen are super special snowflakes who can't accept that this is a process of making friends, not their ascension to royalty. Nobody is going to bow and scrape at their feet. When rush is over there is a very real sense that all the love that was showered on them for the last week is gone. So the other house, their second choice (or their first choice if they got their second, or that house that dropped them after day one) would have been way better because the girls there would still be screaming and crying whenever they approach the door. Rush isn't real so there is a transition as these girls adapt to real college life and sorority membership.

Yes, this.

Originally Posted by TriDeltaSallie

I don't have any experience with being in a large SEC-type chapter. My entire chapter was the size of one pledge class there. Personally, I would not find the huge chapters to my liking at all, but that's because I like smaller and more manageable things. It's the same reason I would never attend a large church with multiple services or live in a big city. It feels incredibly impersonal to me. So in that sense, even though people will say you can find your people in a large sorority (and that is probably true enough), it doesn't mean that's the best fit for everyone.

And this. NerdyGreek, your daughter knew the size of the chapters going into recruitment. If it all feels so impersonal now, why did she initially think differently?

Originally Posted by NerdyGreek

Before rush, she loved it. She was hanging out with girls in her dorm, had made friends with students who are children of alum and thus had a tent to hang out at before football games.

She wanted to drop out of recruitment after the first two rounds. I told her I thought it was a good idea (despite my love of being Greek, and her having heard repeatedly about it). But her friends talked her into sticking with it. It was surprising as she was worried about the number of houses she had left, and was finding out most of these girls had even fewer choices (some were down to only one choice after the first two rounds. Once I heard that, I talked to her about suggesting that they all drop out. They'd have each other. In the end, I think they all pledged somewhere, but it sounds like it's fear of not being able to have a social life that motivated a lot of them - not a desire to be Greek.

at the bold.

First of all, you have no clue what those young women felt outside of what your daughter has told you. And secondly, did you really want your daughter to make important life decisions for other women because she's not happy with her options?

It sounds like your daughter was enjoying her time at school before recruitment. Her friends talked her into sticking with it, but it doesn't seem like that's what she wanted. Perhaps it's not the process and the expenses and the chapter from which she received a bid... maybe your daughter just doesn't want to be Greek?

[BraveMaroon]

I think that so many people rush thinking they'll have a perfect rush, pledge the *best* sorority, and immediately be surrounded by instant lifelong friends.

Being in a sorority is work. It's a PR campaign, it's time management, and networking, and event planning. Sometimes it's arts and crafts, sometimes it's peer counseling, or first aid. You're an advice columnist, mediator, hostess, fundraiser, and negoitiator. This is on top of being a student. And any offices held or commitees joined...

But learning to work hard together builds friendships worth maintaining. I appreciate the effort I put into it, because I look at the work I did in the 90s and know it paved the way for the young women who will be initiated next month. And I know that I am part of something much bigger with an amazing history.

It's trite, I know. But you will get out of it what you put into it.

[DTD Alum]

She's talking about Ole Miss, just to be clear. The single most brutal recruitment in the US, maybe except for Indiana (just because of the bed rush quota). She's very lucky to get a bid, and from there it's just determining whether she wants to be greek or not.

The chapters that she liked probably had double quota (at least) of in-house legacies and close high school friends going through recruitment. Those chapters weren't really available to anybody without serious connections, and that's nothing on your daughter. That's just life there.

What that does mean though is she's landed in a pledge class full of girls similar to her, non-connected PNMs but who otherwise probably are very similar. The chapters at Ole Miss are ridiculously strong compared to just about any school, and the thought that she's in a sorority of 400+ girls and can't find anyone to connect with I think says more about her perceptions of the chapter's strength in a hierarchy than it does with the actual girls in the chapter.

As for the video you're talking about, that was discussed ad-nauseam
elsewhere and the chapter was instructed to not cheer until every name was read because there were so many names. You can see girls trying to keep in their cheers the whole time. They exploded after the fact. They probably shouldn't have put it public because it's an easy thing to misunderstand.

[IndianaSigKap]

Originally Posted by BraveMaroon

I think that so many people rush thinking they'll have a perfect rush, pledge the *best* sorority, and immediately be surrounded by instant lifelong friends.

Being in a sorority is work. It's a PR campaign, it's time management, and networking, and event planning. Sometimes it's arts and crafts, sometimes it's peer counseling, or first aid. You're an advice columnist, mediator, hostess, fundraiser, and negoitiator. This is on top of being a student. And any offices held or commitees joined...

But learning to work hard together builds friendships worth maintaining. I appreciate the effort I put into it, because I look at the work I did in the 90s and know it paved the way for the young women who will be initiated next month. And I know that I am part of something much bigger with an amazing history.

It's trite, I know. But you will get out of it what you put into it.

Well said, sister. I agree 100%.

[NYCMS]

NerdyGreek, I'm struck by a number of things in your posts - and I agree with my Panhellenic sisters in their responses. A few questions:

1) Did you know how brutally competitive rush at Ole Miss is?
2) Did your daughter have any connections? If not, then being released by many houses is par for the course. No reflection on her, it's the way rush is. Even Ole Miss chapter legacies are cut now (try consoling an OM mom whose daughter was cut from her house...).
3) Re: costs. They were publicized so the cost could have been estimated just using the most expensive cost to be safe.
4) Are you from out of the region with little to no knowledge of Ole Miss and how rush works there? I'm curious what your information was, especially as to the sizes of the chapters. Seems like there were expectations that don't mesh with the reality of sorority life there.

Now, your daughter has the opportunity to learn the lesson of her life: that you don't always get what you want and that life is what you make of it. As others have said, if a girl can't find 10 members to bond with over a semester or two, she's not trying and she likely has an attitude of "I'm too good for this sorority."

I work with counselors in college student counseling centers and repeatedly hear one thing: that kids today expect everything to happen easily and immediately. They've been raised in a "trophy" culture so naturally they expect to get what they want. Technology has made all of us impatient, but kids have grown up with it non-stop.

This is your daughter's best shot at being Greek. Re-rushing as a sophomore at Ole Miss is rarely, if ever, successful, especially since many chapters have a "once cut, always cut" policy.

I hope she will stick it out (if you can afford it) because the benefits last for life and the lessons learned by going forward with commitment will pay benefits in the years to come as well.

[panhelrose]

Originally Posted by BraveMaroon

I think that so many people rush thinking they'll have a perfect rush, pledge the *best* sorority, and immediately be surrounded by instant lifelong friends.

Being in a sorority is work. It's a PR campaign, it's time management, and networking, and event planning. Sometimes it's arts and crafts, sometimes it's peer counseling, or first aid. You're an advice columnist, mediator, hostess, fundraiser, and negoitiator. This is on top of being a student. And any offices held or commitees joined...

But learning to work hard together builds friendships worth maintaining. I appreciate the effort I put into it, because I look at the work I did in the 90s and know it paved the way for the young women who will be initiated next month. And I know that I am part of something much bigger with an amazing history.

It's trite, I know. But you will get out of it what you put into it.

I've never read a truer statement. I WAS that PNM who thought she'd waltz into recruitment and automatically click with the "top" chapter at my university. When I didn't end up at that chapter after a few rounds, I found a new favorite, and luckily ended up with a bid to that group. I love my sisters and my organization with my whole heart, but it has never been effortless. For the past four years I've made the choice to join committees and chair positions, participate in extra activities, and spend time at the house talking with girls I don't know too well because YOU GET OUT OF IT WHAT YOU PUT INTO IT. I was that girl who thought joining a sorority would make everything in my life perfect, but if these past four years have taught me anything, it's that my sorority will still be there for me when I need them, because I have been there for them, even if sometimes that's just showing up.