Should I Colonize Or Wait 'til Next Fall...

[ree-Xi]

Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I meant to reply earlier but I'd rather reply on my computer than on my phone (just my personal preference). I think it's an insecurity thing with me but it's something that I struggle with a lot. I don't like to over stay my welcome, impose in anyway and just assume that people don't typically have an interest in me. Because of this, I do realize that I've missed out on some fun opportunities but I'm just really afraid of rejection.

>>It's great that you realize this. Now you need to stop doing it. I know that it's not easy. I've been this girl. In a way, you need to think the reverse - "are people that concerned with me and nitpicky that they're going to spend all of their time examining and judging me?" The answer is likely, no. All of us want to be loved, included, and wanted. Some of us with confidence problems think that the people are always thinking x or y about us, when in reality, they're likely more worried about how they themselves are coming across!

For example, last weekend there was a football game (I love football), and even though I didn't have anyone to go with, I went anyways (wasn't going to let that stop me)! But the cool thing was, as I was standing by myself in the bleachers, a girl from one of my classes invited me over to hang out with her and her friends. It felt so nice and we all had a great time and after the game they were talking about going bowling. They directly invited me to join but after the game was over I slipped into the crowd and just went back to my dorm. Why would I do this? I was afraid they were only being nice by inviting me and I didn't want to ruin their night if I had just been imagining that we were all having a good time. Later on Facebook, the girl who originally invited me over told me that they were confused about where I had went off to and that they were serious about inviting me to bowling. I don't know why I can't just relax and believe this, but it's something that I'm working on.

>>This is a perfect example. How do you think the girls felt after inviting you to go out with them, and then you bailed without even saying "goodbye"? If someone did that to you, what would you think? I'd probably think that the person thought they were too good for me/us and acted like a b*tch. In a way, I see the self-preservation tactic - screw them before they screw you. But that's what you did.

That and I wouldn't say I'm completely unattractive but, the way I perceive my looks, especially when I'm talking to someone who I find extremely pretty and personable makes me feel that much uglier and I wonder, "Why are they even wasting their time with me?"

>>There is no physical attribute of the human body that makes you any less or more deserving of friendship or human interaction (well, unless you didn't bathe for weeks and emitted some odor). But seriously, what is so "bad" about you that you think that you're worth any less than anyone else? People can sense low confidence, but read it as so many other things.

Because, maybe this is just me but I don't always feel like "bullying" is as much about what is said and done these days but by what isn't said. I've been trying out for this sport's team on campus for the past couple of weeks and on the first day, most of the girls wouldn't mind talking to me but now it's gotten to the point that certain girls won't even look my way anymore. Or if I ask them a question, they'll give me a one word answer and turn their back on me. I honestly don't get it! And it hurts my feelings much more than if they would just come out and tell me that they didn't want to talk to me. When it's silent treatment, I can only assume I'm either imagining it or they really feel this way.

>>Perhaps these girls who are giving you one-word answers are themselves worried about their skills and potential for making the sports team? I've been in competitive situations (not sports, but auditions), and sometimes it's a "every woman for herself" situation. Most people are worried about themselves when trying to make a team/cast/league/whatever.

Sorry about the lengthy tangent, but again, thank you for your input. Deep down I'm really shy and afraid of rejection but, typically what you see on the outside is someone who is always willing to talk and have a conversation. I typically find it easier at first to get along with people who are older than me but some of my best friends are a couple years younger. They just had to warm up to me first.

Originally Posted by DubaiSis

I have to stray in here. Not being friends =/= bullying. While there is some bullying that is terrible and unforgivable, having a group of girls not talk to you is not in that category.

It sounds like you have some serious confidence issues, and I would seek counseling on this ASAP, especially if you can get in a couple sessions before recruitment starts. Your student health people should be able to help with that.

I have to agree with my sister, I didn't see any bullying from what you wrote, but if that's your perception, you need to either reassess the situation, or figure out whether it's worth your time.

I also agree that you might look into talk therapy. I have a feeling that you're lashing out or building walls so that nobody hurts you, and you're only hurting yourself in the process.

Good luck!