ITT We Discuss Theology

[Drolefille]

Lifted from LJ's Metaquotes.

But, a One God? I don't know. Maybe I should put out an ad on Craigslist:

Humanoid on planet Earth seeks mega-deity akin to the Judeo-Christian-Muslim God, but less hokey. You must be completely omniscient and omnipresent, everlasting and everbeing. Please fill out the following questionnaire and return it to me via email. Or, if you prefer, via a burning piece of shrubbery or lightning-etched rock tablets. Please, no creepers or weirdos. Demigods need not apply, and mad elder gods are Right Out.

Questionnaire:

1) Please explain everything. You may use your own paper if you run out of room on this form.

2) Why do bad things happen to good people, and vice-versa? Show your math.

3) Do you have a plan for us? Do you have hopes for us? Do you care if we do good or bad things to our planet, and our neighbors? Do you care about anything?

4) Please provide pictures of any possible afterlife you endorse or provide.

5) Do you have a Nemesis? If so, aren't they also You, so...why are you fighting with yourself? Does this mean you are insane?

6) Do you have a Mate? If so, aren't they also You? So isn't your Mate just a little masturbatory?

7) Please list any laws you would have us follow.

8) Do you have a gender? Is it male or female or something else? Do you endorse males or females more over the other? If so, why. If not, why make genders at all, or allow men to (for so long) oppress women?

9) Same question as above, but about race.

10) What are the prerequisites for entering your form of afterlife?

11) Are there lifeforms on other planets, and are they your children too? If so, can we meet them?

12) Please provide a brief outline of the next 100 years. Extra credit if this is extended to 1000 years.

13) Do you care about us? If so, show your work.

14) Did you have any hand in the universe's creation?

15) Essay question -- use telepathy to access this question from my brain, and telepathy to answer it to my satisfaction.

Extra Credit: In 100 words or less, explain Why.


Best of luck in proving you are the One God. If you get the job, benefits include: my worship and undying devotion, donuts whenever you call them into being, and promotion of your miracles. You will be working with a young species, willing to move forward in enlightenment. Must be able to travel faster than the speed of light, receive millions of prayers a day, and show endless compassion for all creatures. You should also have decent hygiene, because nobody loves a slimy, smelly, million-tentacled God.

No dental coverage provided.