9 Charged after girl kills herself over bullying

[srmom]

The parents DO have some blame. They weren't aggressive enough. sometimes when issues like this arise, parents have to "show out" in order to see something happen.

What more could they have done? They went to the school and told administrators their kid was being bullied, the school supposedly has a "zero tolerance" policy for bullying. Short of pulling their kid out, what are they to do?

I can speak from personal experience on this - I went to private school for years (Catholic) and starting in 7th grade, I was bullied - RELENTLESSLY by the group of girls that had been "my friends" for years! They turned on me for some unknown reason and my life became a living hell. Eventually, I was so stressed that I started showing physical signs of depression - started with getting nausious at the thought of going to school, led to a full blown case of Shingles - AT 12!!

My parents went to the principal and complained, they contacted the girls' parents, all to no avail, it was seen as "girls will be girls". I ended up missing so much school that my parents eventually pulled me out and put me at the public school in our neighborhood. THANK GOD we had that option!

anyway, I get these kids cuz I've been there!

Strangely, I am acquainted with alot of these same people (we all come back to the neighborhood), and we've talked about what happened. The women now can't come up with any reason I was singled out, just that I was the popular target for the day, and when they saw that it bothered me, they just kept it up for entertainment. They say that they had no idea that it effected me so badly, and that they are sorry now.

I forgive, but I won't ever forget.

[DrPhil]

I have probably told this story before. Hilarious.

I went to a majority Black high school and we had ESL classes. Some of the dumbass Black boys would pick on the kids from other countries who couldn't speak English. Well, unlike the disabled kids who couldn't fight back, the ESL kids could:

LOL. One day after lunch, the Black boys thought they could call one of the Asian boys who didn't speak English that he was Bruce Lee. So, one particular boy decided to prove them RIGHT and kung fu their asses in the hallway. No one was harmed but it let the bullies know that they aren't picking on some punks just because these students were ESL and most of them were smaller in size.

We all laughed AT the Black boys and no one ever messed with the ESL students again. I don't condone kids fighting back but there are a number of ways to let bullies know that they need to sit down somewhere. Even taking your kid to self-defense classes can boost self-esteem and provide a defense mechanism if need be.

[Prettyface08]

Originally Posted by DrPhil

I have probably told this story before. Hilarious.

I went to a majority Black high school and we had ESL classes. Some of the dumbass Black boys would pick on the kids from other countries would couldn't speak English. Well, unlike the disabled kids who couldn't fight back, the ESL kids could:

LOL. One day after lunch, the Black boys thought they could call one of the Asian boys who didn't speak English that he was Bruce Lee. So, one particular boy decided to prove them RIGHT and kung fu their asses in the hallway. No one was harmed but it let the bullies know that they aren't picking on some punks just because these students were ESL and most of them were smaller in size.

We all laughed AT the Black boys and no one ever messed with the ESL students again. I don't condone kids fighting back but there are a number of ways to let bullies know that they need to sit down somewhere. Even taking your kid to self-defense classes can boost self-esteem and provide a defense mechanism if need be.

Oh, I think I can one-up you. LOL in elementary, once a week we would have one of the students from the disabled class sit in on our class. We had the same student every week and he'd been coming for almost the entire school year. One day, one of the boys in our class decided to make fun of him (we all made fun of each other, but kept the disabled boy out of it. We really liked him and he was nice), he couldn't speak and he could hardly walk...he used crutches. I guess the taunting from the boy got on his nerves because his face got completely red, he threw his crutches to the ground and walked up in the boys face. We just stood around with our mouths open, the teacher had to come pull him away. When the disabled boy left the class, we laughed SO hard. The boy who was teasing him was going to be beat up by a disabled kid.

[Ch2tf]

Originally Posted by srmom

Absolutely. But, from reading this thread, there are some who have IMO "blamed" the girl who hanged herself for not "manning up". Others have said, and not just in this thread but on other blogs and message boards, that the parents should have done more, but in some cases (like the article I posted and in NUMEROUS websites about bullying) the parents HAVE done everything, short of selling their house and moving to another city, to try to stop the bullying, by going to school administrators and teachers and advising them of the problems, to no avail.

First off, I think your confusing general discussions/opinions of how teenagers are (compared to previous years) with the specifics of the South Hadley case. Personally, from what I've read/heard Phoebe did do what she could with respect to reporting or getting the bullying reported. That being said, I feel like as a society, we pick and choose situations (often arbitrarily) that we desire kids/teens to be responsible. We let them drive, but then we let them off the hook with responsibilities in situations like this (FYI I've been reading comments from people that the perps in the S. Hadley case are just children and should be "shown the right way" instead of prosecuted). Fitting example.

Originally Posted by srmom

This kid's school supposedly has a "zero tolerance policy" for bullying, but even after the parents had complained, nothing was done. It isn't until someone is actually hurt - as in the torn rectum (it may have been from a wedgie, but geesus, does belittling HOW he ended up having to have his bottom sewed back up somehow make it okay??) that something is done.

In the case of the kid from Texas, I don't recall seeing that the school had a zero tolerance policy but that the followed their established policy, which is most likely insufficient. And even with "zero tolerance" policies, unless they are strictly, and consistently enforced, then they mean nothing more than any other "policy". Does speaking up ALWAYS mean that the solution you'd like to see, or any other solution for that matter, is going to come down...NO and this is part of what Dr. Phil is talking about with respect to the "rose colored" glasses.

A single or a couple of reports at the school/local level are sometimes not enough. And no I don't think the parents in the S. Hadley case did all that they could do, but I also recognize that there were most likely obstacles that prevented them from doing so. And I also recognize that we are now looking at this situation after the fact and hindsight is 20/20.

Originally Posted by AOII Angel

What is manning up? Is it talking back to your bully? Is it going to the principal yourself?

Manning up, or at the very least, being an active agent in your situation is far from ridiculous. I don't condone physically fighting back as I recognize how a situation can easily get out of hand and a cycle can be perpetuated. But if a child (general kid, not nec the cases presented in this thread) is suffering in silence, particularly someone over the age of 13, then no I don't think they are being active in escaping/resolving the situation.

Originally Posted by srmom

I can speak from personal experience on this - I went to private school for years (Catholic) and starting in 7th grade, I was bullied - RELENTLESSLY by the group of girls that had been "my friends" for years! They turned on me for some unknown reason and my life became a living hell. Eventually, I was so stressed that I started showing physical signs of depression - started with getting nausious at the thought of going to school, led to a full blown case of Shingles - AT 12!!

srmom, pretty much the same thing happened to me, at around the same age. The difference is that based on the experiences I had to deal with in life up to that point, as well as my parents also setting a tone of personal responsibility for me, my reactions/actions in the situation were different. And again, I think this is where Dr. Phil is talking about establishing "coping mechanisms" A good example from personal experience that I have is in high school when I was marked wrong on a particular question on an exam, as it was written I answered the question correctly, but when I brought this up to the teacher was told that is not what she meant. Well it's not my responsibility to guess what she means vs. what she wrote on a test. When she proved to be combative and rude with respect to giving me my proper grade, I went above her head. Ultimately, my grade was changed. And guess what, my parents never knew about the situation. I didn't need to go to them and complain, hope that they seek action, etc. because my parents not only taught me right from wrong, but they also taught me how to address conflict/issues/the world. Now do I think this is similar to the cases being discussed, but that is what is what I mean by manning up/being an active agent/etc.