Chuck Norris's Recruitment Story

[Chuck Norris]

And now for the next installment of this Chuck-saga...

Round 2: Skit Night

Today Chuck showed up early to his recruitment group’s designated cabana in his decidedly black and gray shirt. Chuck also wore silver blue pants, purple cowboy boots and a dark blue/light blue bandana. As Chuck approached, there were two girls already arguing with each other. Something about backfat? Chuck ignored them.

The same obnoxious PNM from last night’s Phi Mu party was there and was going on and on about Phi Mu and how she had a big, elaborate strategy to ensure she would end up there and not at one of the lower-tiered sororities. She said “Well, both my mom and older sister are Phi Mus, so that makes me a double legacy!” She looked at Chuck and asked, “What about you, Chuck, are you a legacy?” Chuck glared into Legacy Girl’s soul and saw that she was truly empty inside, then replied, “Chuck is better than a legacy. Chuck is a legend.”

Soon, it was time to head out. All of the girls double-checked the supply levels of their “Recruitment Survival Kits” that their mom’s flew in personally via helicopters to deliver. Chuck’s mom didn’t send him a survival kit because Chuck’s mom knows that it is Recruitment that needs a “Chuck Survival Kit.”

Chuck and his PNM group were escorted to each of the parties by – amazingly – a new replacement Rho Chi.

Kappa Kappa Gamma – The skit theme was “Kappas: The Greatest Show On Earth.” Chuck thought this was a stupid theme, as everyone knows that “Walker: Texas Ranger” was the greatest of any show in the universe. The skit opened with the Kappa Ringmaster introducing the group and explaining that the skit was a new one and even many of the sisters hadn’t seen it yet. The first act was a blue-clad lion tamer forcing pink lions wearing “Phi Mu” shirts to bow down. Chuck thought the whip was a little kinky, which Chuck really appreciated. Then all of a sudden WHAM! Out of nowhere a dark and light blue clown comes out of a corner and starts throwing out candy. Then Chuck hears a scream and looks over to see one of the Kappas hyperventilating, then she threw up, peed her pants and passed out. Chuck realized that this clown must be some kung fu master infiltrating his recruitment and was obviously using mind control to torture this poor Kappa. Chuck sprung into attack mode as a river of dark and light blue streamer paper followed Chuck’s path of destruction. Just as Chuck was about to wield his infamous chopstick death stare on the clown, the Kappas explained that the clown was only part of a skit. Chuck said “Chuck doesn’t think your skit is funny.” Chuck left.

Pi Beta Phi – Chuck thought this was the absolute funniest skit of the night. Chuck won’t actually tell you anything about the skit that made it funny, not even a joke or funny costume to make this recruitment story at all worth reading. It was just SOOOO funny. It almost made Chuck fall down. It is a good thing Chuck didn’t, though, because one grand canyon is quite enough. At one point Chuck realized that if he found his home with Pi Phi, he could be their “Angel of Death!” Chuck really felt he connected with the Pi Phis.

Kappa Alpha Theta – As some may remember from last night’s post, things didn’t go so well last time. However, because of all of the republican royalty in the Theta family, Chuck decided to give these ladies another chance. Chuck had a really great conversation with this girl that met him at the door. It was so weird! She was from Chuck’s hometown and was really into kung fu. Chuck showed her his patented “Top Five Ways To Instantly Paralyze a Democrat” which really won her over. Their skit was only so-so, as very few of us republicans can loosen up and laugh at ourselves so this skit could have well been titled “Why Thetas Are The Best But Not At All Funny.” Chuck really felt he had connected with kung fu Theta, though.

Sigma Sigma Sigma – Chuck really like the tri-Sigma theme skit because it featured a story about their famous doll collection. Chuck really likes dolls. No one knows this, because Chuck made a deal with God that anyone who has laughs at Chuck for liking dolls is instantly sent into purgatory. Don’t laugh. Tri-Sigma is one of the smaller sororities on campus and so after the skit Chuck was in a group with one tri-sigma, legacy-PNM and another PNM. The Tri-Sigma asked about everyone’s leadership background, because that was important to the Tri-Sigmas. The first PNM said “I was on my school council.” Legacy-PNM said “I was miss teen Chicago.” Chuck said “Chuck invented the most superior style of martial arts on the planet and millions of people already worship me around the world. Chuck is a leader.” By the end of the night, Chuck really felt he had connected with some of the Tri-Sigmas.

Zeta Tau Alpha – Chuck didn’t really pay attention to the Zeta skit because there was a really weird Zeta in the corner who was keeping notes and documenting everything everyone did. After the skit, one of the girls Chuck talked to yesterday introduced Chuck to her “little.” Little-Zeta asked “So, Chuck what is your major” For like the 100th time that day, Chuck responded, “Death.” Despite creepy-zeta, Chuck did like talking to all of the Zetas he met after the skit. Chuck really felt he had connected with Zeta.

By the end of the day, Chuck had a really hard decision to make. He wasn’t sure he had the best chance with Kappa after his kung-fu blowout at the clown, but maybe the Kappas would see that he did it for their protection. Besides, for absolutely no reason at all Chuck is not so sure he wants to go back to Tri-Sigma. It certainly has nothing to do with any of the tent talk Chuck heard or because of the tiers or because Chuck is shallow or anything. Of course not. Chuck is just concerned that because Chuck is so good looking, perhaps the tri-sigmas won’t accept him for who he is. Yeah. So Chuck decided he would not be going back to Tri-Sig but no one should judge Chuck about it because Chuck is just going with his heart.

[LucyKKG]

OMG, this thread is making me laugh so much! I'm sure my neighbors can hear me. My favorite line:

Originally Posted by Chuck Norris

“Chuck is better than a legacy. Chuck is a legend.”

I also love the reason for editing...lol!

[honeychile]

Originally Posted by Chuck Norris

“Chuck is better than a legacy. Chuck is a legend.”

Any bets on how many Bid Day t-shirts this will end up on?

Chuck's reason for editing is the best I've ever seen!

[texas*princess]

Good luck Chuck! It sounds like you will find the right fit for you!

[BetteDavisEyes]

Originally Posted by Chuck Norris

“Chuck is better than a legacy. Chuck is a legend.”

New sig tag!

[momofpnm]

Originally Posted by Chuck Norris

Chuck’s mom didn’t send him a survival kit because Chuck’s mom knows that it is Recruitment that needs a “Chuck Survival Kit.”

I love everything about this thread - it makes me so happy.

While we wait for the next round, who wants to guess about the identity of the mysterious Zeta "sister?" I'm pretty sure we haven't seen the last of her...

[lilzetakitten]

Originally Posted by momofpnm

While we wait for the next round, who wants to guess about the identity of the mysterious Zeta "sister?" I'm pretty sure we haven't seen the last of her...

As a Zeta who actually had a mysterious woman sitting in the corner taking notes first round... I'm guessing national officer, and that it's a new-ish chapter.

[GeekyPenguin]

Originally Posted by lilzetakitten

As a Zeta who actually had a mysterious woman sitting in the corner taking notes first round... I'm guessing national officer, and that it's a new-ish chapter.

Do you often hear a whooshing sound just over your head?

[bluefish81]

Originally Posted by GeekyPenguin

Do you often hear a whooshing sound just over your head?

LOL, I'm glad that I wasn't the only one who thought of someone else.

[Chuck Norris]

An update from this morning's Chucktastic recruitment adventure...

Round 3: Philanthropy

Chuck has been learning a lot on GC about being panhellenicky. Therefore, Chuck decided to incorporate panhellenic spirit into his morning routine. First, his choice of wardrobe: Chuck wore old blue jeans, an ivy-green shirt, olive-green boots, bronze spurs, and a pearl-studded crimson belt affixed by a gold lion belt buckle. Chuck finished the look with a straw cowboy hat. Underneath, Chuck sported his usual white briefs, and after the clown scare yesterday, Chuck equipped himself with an anchor-shaped death star tucked into his secret ammo pouch. Chuck also made sure he ate a large bowl of wheaties (marketed by General Mills) to start out this very busy day. Chuck later told his fellow PNMs that in the Panhellenic spirit he is hereby renaming the famous crescent kick as a “waxing crescent moon kick.”

Chuck really enjoyed getting to know his fellow PNMs this morning, and they unanimously elected him MVPNM for the recruitment week after watching his lightening-quick reflexes at the Kappa party. Chuck isn’t so sure the sororities themselves felt as safe, because he noticed that (yet again) their Rho Chi had been replaced. But this time, it appeared that the replacement was not a collegian, but one of the American Gladiator girls. Chuck thought this was interesting, but did not feel threatened because most of those sissies just looked tough without any actual skill.

On to the parties…

Zeta Tau Alpha – Chuck really enjoyed the Zeta party today. Zeta’s philanthropy is the Komen foundation, and Chuck is all about saving the boobies. All boobies of all sizes. Little Zeta, whom he spoke with yesterday, was a little naïve today, but Chuck really likes her anyway, along with this one Zeta with a really strong southern accent. Chuck finds that sexy. Chuck didn’t see creepy zeta anywhere today and decided she must have disappeared, or was possibly banned from the house? Chuck doesn’t care though. There were plenty of nice Zetas to keep him company. At one point a Zeta came up to Chuck and told Chuck that she was a theater major. She asked Chuck, “As an experienced and talented actor, I was wondering if you had any tips on getting into such a badass character?” Chuck said, “Chuck doesn’t act, Chuck is a badass.”

Kappa Alpha Theta – Theta’s philanthropy is CASA, or Court-Appointed Special Advocates. The Thetas told Chuck that kids often need to have someone involved in the legal system to make sure their needs did not get overlooked in the process. During the party, the group made cards and toys for the CASA kids. Chuck sat down at a table with kung fu theta and reached for some scissors to make a card. Kung fu Theta said “Actually, Chuck, we brought some special scissors for you to use today.” Kung fu Theta handed Chuck some special plastic-ended scissors with plastic yellow handles. Chuck did not appreciate this, but Chuck was quickly distracted by the large amounts of gold glitter the girls were using. Chuck likes glitter.

Pi Beta Phi – The Pi Phis support “Champions are Readers,” a charity that promotes literacy. Everyone sat around tables and made these bookmarks for kids that were SOOOO cute. Chuck started talking to some of the Pi Phis about Mike Huckabee’s books and how people should read them before they vote for someone else. For absolutely no reason whatsoever, a girl started getting really upset with Chuck and told Chuck that people shouldn’t have to read candidates books to know what they’re about. Chuck told her “You’ll read what I tell you to read.” and threw the Japanese-death anchor from his pouch at her. Chuck wins.

Kappa Kappa Gamma – Chuck walked into the Kappa house and sat at a craft table with some of the girls he remembered from the first party. Throw-up Kappa made a special point to thank Chuck for his bravery the day before against the scary Kappa Clown. Chuck looked around and realized that the Kappas, too, were making bookmarks. Chuck said, “Wow, Chuck is going to be really good at making bookmarks after this party. Did y’all realize the Pi Phis have the same philanthropy?” One Kappa got really mad and said “No, Chuck, our philanthropy is RIF, Reading is Fundamental. RIF is totally different than Champions are Readers. If you can’t see the difference between us and the Pi Phis, then maybe all you care about is having letters, anyway.” Chuck said “Chuck doesn’t need keys because Chuck likes to break stuff open” and gave the Kappa his ancient kimono knee jab.

After Chuck left the Kappa party, Chuck realized that was two violent Kappa party outbursts in a row and that probably did not bode well for Chuck. Chuck cut Kappa for tonight’s preference round.

[alum]

I really hope Chuck is going to be a creative writing major when he retires from the silver screen and that his English professors don't stifle his creativity to fit their mold!

Originally Posted by Chuck Norris

An update from this morning's Chucktastic recruitment adventure... Zeta’s philanthropy is the Komen foundation, and Chuck is all about saving the boobies. All boobies of all sizes....

Chuck started talking to some of the Pi Phis about Mike Huckabee’s books and how people should read them before they vote for someone else. ....

Hmmm, one more topic to add to Banned B List of booze, boys, Bible...BALLOTS (as in elections )

[ASTalumna06]

Originally Posted by Chuck Norris

An update from this morning's Chucktastic recruitment adventure...

Round 3: Philanthropy

Chuck has been learning a lot on GC about being panhellenicky. Therefore, Chuck decided to incorporate panhellenic spirit into his morning routine. First, his choice of wardrobe: Chuck wore old blue jeans, an ivy-green shirt, olive-green boots, bronze spurs, and a pearl-studded crimson belt affixed by a gold lion belt buckle. Chuck finished the look with a straw cowboy hat. Underneath, Chuck sported his usual white briefs, and after the clown scare yesterday, Chuck equipped himself with an anchor-shaped death star tucked into his secret ammo pouch.

Green and gold, pearls, with an anchor-shaped death star? I think that Chuck subconsciously wants to be an AST

And yes... Chuck definitely needs to update this and tell us about all of the crazy PNMs that he had to lay the smack down on

[ashado]

As a Zeta who actually had a mysterious woman sitting in the corner taking notes first round... I'm guessing national officer, and that it's a new-ish chapter.

Do you often hear a whooshing sound just over your head?

LOL, I'm glad that I wasn't the only one who thought of someone else.

ahhhh, I thought the same thing as lilzetakitten!!! what am I completely missing here?!

[nittanyalum]

Originally Posted by Jen

Originally Posted by Chuck Norris
And now for the next installment of this Chuck-saga...

Then all of a sudden WHAM! Out of nowhere a dark and light blue clown comes out of a corner and starts throwing out candy. Then Chuck hears a scream and looks over to see one of the Kappas hyperventilating, then she threw up, peed her pants and passed out.

Zeta Tau Alpha – Chuck didn’t really pay attention to the Zeta skit because there was a really weird Zeta in the corner who was keeping notes and documenting everything everyone did.

BWAHAHAHA.

Jen trumped me, these are exactly the 2 parts I was going to quote.

I. am. cryin'.

Go, Chuck, go!