Tacky wedding "invitation"

Wine&SilverBlue · #1 07-02-2006, 10:59 PM

is it tacky to invite people you KNOW cant attend?

Rio_Kohitsuji · #2 07-02-2006, 11:04 PM

Honestly? Just play nice and buy them some cheap towels.

tunatartare · #3 07-02-2006, 11:16 PM

That does sound tacky to me, they should've sent out real invitations. When I was in the Dominican Republic, we met a couple from Canada that got married there. They had about 20-30 people total in their wedding party. The bride said that because she knew that most people weren't going to make it to the wedding, she was able to invite people that she didn't really want there but was obligated to invite (family friends, work colleagues, etc.) without feeling guilty. She said she send out several hundred invitations, but they were actual invitations. I've gotten invitations to weddings in Israel and Italy before. I think that you should still get them a gift, but you don't have to worry about getting them anything too expensive or fancy. Just get them like measuring spoons and a salt and pepper shaker or somehting small like that off the registry.

squirrely girl · #4 07-03-2006, 12:23 AM

i have a friend who married in jamaica and he sent out tons of real invites to everybody even though he knew most people would not be able to attend... i think it's just the appropriate thing to do

- marissa

AGDee · #5 07-03-2006, 08:08 AM

I hear huge complaints from people who receive destination wedding invites when it's obvious that they won't be attending. My opinion is that, if you're having a destination wedding, then you only invite your immediate family and close friends. It seems more tacky to me to say "Hey, come spend $2000 to come to my destination wedding" than to simply not invite people and, if asked, explain "We're having a small, private destination wedding".

AOII_LB93 · #6 07-03-2006, 09:33 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AGDee

I hear huge complaints from people who receive destination wedding invites when it's obvious that they won't be attending. My opinion is that, if you're having a destination wedding, then you only invite your immediate family and close friends. It seems more tacky to me to say "Hey, come spend $2000 to come to my destination wedding" than to simply not invite people and, if asked, explain "We're having a small, private destination wedding".

I see where you are coming from, but as I had a destination wedding, we sent them to everyone(a whopping 70 people) because we didn't want to be rude. His family(most of whom he hardly sees) had a big enough problem that we did it abroad and we didn't want to offend them further by not including them. We tried your suggestion, but people were pissed anyhow.

I agree though with the OP...extra tacky. However, being that this is your dad's partner's son, it would be nice if your dad gives them something small. If the son doesn't know your dad well, he probably felt like he had to invite your dad as he is a partner - though he went about it in a tacky way, an invite or save the date card worded better would have been much more appropriate. We sent out save the date cards with hotel, airline and other information to people we knew were coming regardless (parents and friends who we knew were invited and wanted to go), and then just sent invites to other people.

/side bar

Ok does anyone else here think it extremely tacky that I was invited to a friend 's(well I thought she was a friend, guess not so much-but I digress) engagement party, but not her wedding? That's a big no-no in my book, and the etiquette book I have too, but anyway...opinions?

tunatartare · #7 07-03-2006, 09:39 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AOII_LB93

I see where you are coming from, but as I had a destination wedding, we sent them to everyone(a whopping 70 people) because we didn't want to be rude. His family(most of whom he hardly sees) had a big enough problem that we did it abroad and we didn't want to offend them further by not including them. We tried your suggestion, but people were pissed anyhow.

I agree though with the OP...extra tacky. However, being that this is your dad's partner's son, it would be nice if your dad gives them something small. If the son doesn't know your dad well, he probably felt like he had to invite your dad as he is a partner - though he went about it in a tacky way, an invite or save the date card worded better would have been much more appropriate. We sent out save the date cards with hotel, airline and other information to people we knew were coming regardless (parents and friends who we knew were invited and wanted to go), and then just sent invites to other people.

/side bar

Ok does anyone else here think it extremely tacky that I was invited to a friend 's(well I thought she was a friend, guess not so much-but I digress) engagement party, but not her wedding? That's a big no-no in my book, and the etiquette book I have too, but anyway...opinions?

Yes, definitely.

KSigkid · #8 07-03-2006, 10:10 AM

Was it an invitation, or was it a "Save the Date" with an invitation to follow? That might be the case, and as someone else said, maybe they didn't want to leave anyone out.

In some cases you're going to get grief either way; if you don't send the invite, people will be upset, and if you do send the invite, people just think you're fishing for gifts.

AlphaFrog · #9 07-03-2006, 10:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KSigkid

In some cases you're going to get grief either way; if you don't send the invite, people will be upset, and if you do send the invite, people just think you're fishing for gifts.

You could always include "No gifts necessary" at the bottom (especially if they're homemade), or "Gifts are appreciated, but not necessary", if you want to be more classy about fishing for gifts.

Peaches-n-Cream · #10 07-03-2006, 10:35 AM

I don't know if it's tacky. It's not how I would handle it. This is the couple's wedding, and they can do whatever they want. You can't satisfy everybody. Someone will always complain.

The groom is the son of your father's partner. I think it is nice that they even thought of inviting his father's partner. I'm not sure what business they are in or how close your families are. I think if your parents opt not to attend the wedding, they should send an appropriate gift, not a cheap gift. This gift is a reflection of a professional relationship. Case in point, my sister invited all of my mother's law firm partners to her wedding because that is what our mother wanted. Most attended, but the few who did not sent beautiful gifts like crystal from the registry.

adpiucf · #11 07-03-2006, 10:57 AM

Sounds more like a Save The Date... which I get these days and they range from ultra slick "pre" invitations, to an informal notecard.

Want to hear tacky? I have a distant relative getting married. My mom lives in the same state as the relative and received a shower invitation. At the bottom, the bride's mom wrote: Dear ADPiUCF-Mom, We know you probably can't make it. Please don't feel obligated to come or send a gift."

Now THAT is tacky.

PhoenixAzul · #12 07-03-2006, 11:09 AM

My SO and I were discussing what to do about invitations. There are some people that we need to invite, but we know for whatever reason may not come (distance, illness, children, etc). Since we're not having a destination wedding, we were discussing putting a "bride and groom are registered at XYZ, but would appreciate donations to X foundation in their name as well." We figured that the donation idea would save a lot of people a lot of time...no shopping, no shipping, they can just fire up the computer and donate through the net or write a check. It's also not a "what will we get them, is this too much from us, is this enough?" problem...they donate what they want and that's that. If you know a particular foundation this couple is partial to, that's what I'd do. I'd make a donation (in appropriate size) in their name and send them a card explaining.

tunatartare · #13 07-03-2006, 11:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PhoenixAzul

My SO and I were discussing what to do about invitations. There are some people that we need to invite, but we know for whatever reason may not come (distance, illness, children, etc). Since we're not having a destination wedding, we were discussing putting a "bride and groom are registered at XYZ, but would appreciate donations to X foundation in their name as well." We figured that the donation idea would save a lot of people a lot of time...no shopping, no shipping, they can just fire up the computer and donate through the net or write a check. It's also not a "what will we get them, is this too much from us, is this enough?" problem...they donate what they want and that's that. If you know a particular foundation this couple is partial to, that's what I'd do. I'd make a donation (in appropriate size) in their name and send them a card explaining.

Hijack: when did you get engaged? I didn't know that. Congratulations!

Intense1920 · #14 07-03-2006, 11:23 AM

Yeah, sounds like a save-the-date notice which is actually thoughtful

AOII_LB93 · #15 07-03-2006, 11:31 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by PhoenixAzul

My SO and I were discussing what to do about invitations. There are some people that we need to invite, but we know for whatever reason may not come (distance, illness, children, etc). Since we're not having a destination wedding, we were discussing putting a "bride and groom are registered at XYZ, but would appreciate donations to X foundation in their name as well." We figured that the donation idea would save a lot of people a lot of time...no shopping, no shipping, they can just fire up the computer and donate through the net or write a check. It's also not a "what will we get them, is this too much from us, is this enough?" problem...they donate what they want and that's that. If you know a particular foundation this couple is partial to, that's what I'd do. I'd make a donation (in appropriate size) in their name and send them a card explaining.

Every wedding website and etiquette book I have read has always said not to include anything about gifts with the invitation. There are numerous ways people can figure out where you are registered: phone calls, internet, etc...
Be careful when you think people won't show up...I have a friend who did that, and a bunch of the folks she thought wouldn't come, did.