How many times does your boyfriend/husband have to beat you until you leave him

[Buttonz]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

There are several reasons why people don't leave abusers. I'm going to assume here that the victim is a woman and the abuser is a man. This, of course, is not always the case.

1. The wife doesn't have the job skills to make it without the husband - she may have gotten married right out of high school or never worked a real job.

2. The wife is afraid for her own safety if she leaves (then he'll kill her), her children's safety (if she can't prove abuse in court, the dad could get custody), and even the pets safety - if you leave me I'll kill your dog.

3. She believes him when they're in the honeymoon phase and she loves him for the non-violent times. Phases go from tension building, to outburst, to honeymoon. During the honeymoon he says things such as, I'm sorry, I'll never do it again, I didn't mean to, and I love you.

4. She blames herself. Just as many people think sex is dirty, many people believe that they deserve the beatings as punishment. If they were "better" they wouldn't get hit. It's an indoctrination that starts in childhood.

5. No resources. No money because husband keeps close tabs on how much you spend. No friends because he doesn't like you talking to or spending time with othe people. Limited family support for the same reason or because they were abusive as well.

There are other reasons, but try to imagine having limited resources, usually few friends because the abuser cuts you off from them, several children to be responsible for, if you stay, at least the kids get a meal. If you go, where do you stay, what do you eat, how do you get to a DOVE shelter when you haven't even heard of one, or the nearest one is 40 miles away in a larger city?

It's not as easy to walk away as many think. Blaming the victim is a bad idea.

I'm not saying it's always easy, but at the same time, if you really want to walk away, you do it. It might take some time, and lots of planning in secret, but you do it.

If a person has the will to walk away, there is ALWAYS a way.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by Buttonz

I'm not saying it's always easy, but at the same time, if you really want to walk away, you do it. It might take some time, and lots of planning in secret, but you do it.

If a person has the will to walk away, there is ALWAYS a way.

There is always a way. Many victims of abuse can't, or occasionally don't want to find it. But not finding it doesn't make them morons. Even physical abuse leads to self-esteem issues, and many women in abusive relationships grew up with it and so don't find their way out of it easily.

Those who don't grow up with abuse often get stuck in the relationship that becomes more and more abusive with time so there is more invested in the relationship and its even harder to break away.

Every victim should be able to leave and have a safe place to turn to. Not every victim has that place, or the ability now.

[Buttonz]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

Every victim should be able to leave and have a safe place to turn to. Not every victim has that place, or the ability now.

They have the place, but not all want to leave, and that is why I said they are morons, though that might not have been the right word for me to use.

[Rudey]

I was reading through Cosmo when I was visiting my pediatrician, and this month's column on dating advice clearly indicated that if you use a switch or a bowling pin on your wife early on, she'll respect your dominance and will never talk back.

-Rudey
--That Cosmo magazine is C-R-A-Z-Y

[AKA_Monet]

So what if your S/O is even keel and you're the one feeling like you're going crazy and losing it? Like you pick fights with him? Your self-esteem has already eroded and all you are waiting for is the hit to take the blame... I know that sounds rather masochistic, but some women are unable to operate unless they get that "swift kick in the pants"... That doesn't make it right, that's just the way some women might be... If the S/O decides to leave, homegirl retaliates by saying she'd kill herself... Where does that put the guy? Just asking?