How many times does your boyfriend/husband have to beat you until you leave him

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by Buttonz

Agreed. Anyone who stays with someone that hits them or beats them is a total moron.

There are several reasons why people don't leave abusers. I'm going to assume here that the victim is a woman and the abuser is a man. This, of course, is not always the case.

1. The wife doesn't have the job skills to make it without the husband - she may have gotten married right out of high school or never worked a real job.

2. The wife is afraid for her own safety if she leaves (then he'll kill her), her children's safety (if she can't prove abuse in court, the dad could get custody), and even the pets safety - if you leave me I'll kill your dog.

3. She believes him when they're in the honeymoon phase and she loves him for the non-violent times. Phases go from tension building, to outburst, to honeymoon. During the honeymoon he says things such as, I'm sorry, I'll never do it again, I didn't mean to, and I love you.

4. She blames herself. Just as many people think sex is dirty, many people believe that they deserve the beatings as punishment. If they were "better" they wouldn't get hit. It's an indoctrination that starts in childhood.

5. No resources. No money because husband keeps close tabs on how much you spend. No friends because he doesn't like you talking to or spending time with othe people. Limited family support for the same reason or because they were abusive as well.

There are other reasons, but try to imagine having limited resources, usually few friends because the abuser cuts you off from them, several children to be responsible for, if you stay, at least the kids get a meal. If you go, where do you stay, what do you eat, how do you get to a DOVE shelter when you haven't even heard of one, or the nearest one is 40 miles away in a larger city?

It's not as easy to walk away as many think. Blaming the victim is a bad idea.

[Buttonz]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

There are several reasons why people don't leave abusers. I'm going to assume here that the victim is a woman and the abuser is a man. This, of course, is not always the case.

1. The wife doesn't have the job skills to make it without the husband - she may have gotten married right out of high school or never worked a real job.

2. The wife is afraid for her own safety if she leaves (then he'll kill her), her children's safety (if she can't prove abuse in court, the dad could get custody), and even the pets safety - if you leave me I'll kill your dog.

3. She believes him when they're in the honeymoon phase and she loves him for the non-violent times. Phases go from tension building, to outburst, to honeymoon. During the honeymoon he says things such as, I'm sorry, I'll never do it again, I didn't mean to, and I love you.

4. She blames herself. Just as many people think sex is dirty, many people believe that they deserve the beatings as punishment. If they were "better" they wouldn't get hit. It's an indoctrination that starts in childhood.

5. No resources. No money because husband keeps close tabs on how much you spend. No friends because he doesn't like you talking to or spending time with othe people. Limited family support for the same reason or because they were abusive as well.

There are other reasons, but try to imagine having limited resources, usually few friends because the abuser cuts you off from them, several children to be responsible for, if you stay, at least the kids get a meal. If you go, where do you stay, what do you eat, how do you get to a DOVE shelter when you haven't even heard of one, or the nearest one is 40 miles away in a larger city?

It's not as easy to walk away as many think. Blaming the victim is a bad idea.

I'm not saying it's always easy, but at the same time, if you really want to walk away, you do it. It might take some time, and lots of planning in secret, but you do it.

If a person has the will to walk away, there is ALWAYS a way.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by Buttonz

I'm not saying it's always easy, but at the same time, if you really want to walk away, you do it. It might take some time, and lots of planning in secret, but you do it.

If a person has the will to walk away, there is ALWAYS a way.

There is always a way. Many victims of abuse can't, or occasionally don't want to find it. But not finding it doesn't make them morons. Even physical abuse leads to self-esteem issues, and many women in abusive relationships grew up with it and so don't find their way out of it easily.

Those who don't grow up with abuse often get stuck in the relationship that becomes more and more abusive with time so there is more invested in the relationship and its even harder to break away.

Every victim should be able to leave and have a safe place to turn to. Not every victim has that place, or the ability now.

[Buttonz]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

Every victim should be able to leave and have a safe place to turn to. Not every victim has that place, or the ability now.

They have the place, but not all want to leave, and that is why I said they are morons, though that might not have been the right word for me to use.

[Rudey]

I was reading through Cosmo when I was visiting my pediatrician, and this month's column on dating advice clearly indicated that if you use a switch or a bowling pin on your wife early on, she'll respect your dominance and will never talk back.

-Rudey
--That Cosmo magazine is C-R-A-Z-Y

[AKA_Monet]

So what if your S/O is even keel and you're the one feeling like you're going crazy and losing it? Like you pick fights with him? Your self-esteem has already eroded and all you are waiting for is the hit to take the blame... I know that sounds rather masochistic, but some women are unable to operate unless they get that "swift kick in the pants"... That doesn't make it right, that's just the way some women might be... If the S/O decides to leave, homegirl retaliates by saying she'd kill herself... Where does that put the guy? Just asking?

[SOPi_Jawbreaker]

Adding to what Drolefille said, there's also often self-esteem issues. In most cases, the physical abuse doesn't just come out of nowhere. Oftentimes, it's accompanied by, if not preceded by, mental/emotional/psychological abuse. Because, if a guy acts all wonderful and then out of nowhere starts smacking his girlfriend around, she'd probably think he's a psycho and get the hell out. But when it starts small, like with him complaining about her or the things she does, it'll sneak up on her. And he's able to do and say worse and worse things to her. And if someone's constantly told that they're not good enough and that no one else will ever love them or want them, it eventually erodes their self-confidence and they start believing that no one else will ever want them.

[Buttonz]

Originally Posted by SOPi_Jawbreaker

Adding to what Drolefille said, there's also often self-esteem issues. In most cases, the physical abuse doesn't just come out of nowhere. Oftentimes, it's accompanied by, if not preceded by, mental/emotional/psychological abuse. Because, if a guy acts all wonderful and then out of nowhere starts smacking his girlfriend around, she'd probably think he's a psycho and get the hell out. But when it starts small, like with him complaining about her or the things she does, it'll sneak up on her. And he's able to do and say worse and worse things to her. And if someone's constantly told that they're not good enough and that no one else will ever love them or want them, it eventually erodes their self-confidence and they start believing that no one else will ever want them.

I agree with this, I struggle with self-esteem issues myself, so I can understand it. In that case, there isn't always a want to get out of it, because of what the woman thinks about herself. Sadly, this is when she really needs the support of her friends and family, and at that point very often she doesn't have any, at least not close enough to see the truth about what's happening.

But, in the case of physical abuse standing alone, and I've seen that happen, if there is a will there is a way.

[preciousjeni]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

There are several reasons why people don't leave abusers. I'm going to assume here that the victim is a woman and the abuser is a man. This, of course, is not always the case.

1. The wife doesn't have the job skills to make it without the husband - she may have gotten married right out of high school or never worked a real job.

2. The wife is afraid for her own safety if she leaves (then he'll kill her), her children's safety (if she can't prove abuse in court, the dad could get custody), and even the pets safety - if you leave me I'll kill your dog.

3. She believes him when they're in the honeymoon phase and she loves him for the non-violent times. Phases go from tension building, to outburst, to honeymoon. During the honeymoon he says things such as, I'm sorry, I'll never do it again, I didn't mean to, and I love you.

4. She blames herself. Just as many people think sex is dirty, many people believe that they deserve the beatings as punishment. If they were "better" they wouldn't get hit. It's an indoctrination that starts in childhood.

5. No resources. No money because husband keeps close tabs on how much you spend. No friends because he doesn't like you talking to or spending time with othe people. Limited family support for the same reason or because they were abusive as well.

There are other reasons, but try to imagine having limited resources, usually few friends because the abuser cuts you off from them, several children to be responsible for, if you stay, at least the kids get a meal. If you go, where do you stay, what do you eat, how do you get to a DOVE shelter when you haven't even heard of one, or the nearest one is 40 miles away in a larger city?

It's not as easy to walk away as many think. Blaming the victim is a bad idea.

I stayed with an abusive boyfriend because of #2. I had to have him arrested and then I snuck away to where he couldn't find me. The first time he hit me, I hit him back. We used to fight hard. But, as time went by, he got too rough and he was too strong for me. I shouldn't have stayed (#3 kept me coming back plus I had a little of #4 because I knew I was hitting him back).

When I finally got away, I thought I was pathetic for not standing up to him, but then again he had threatened my friends and family and had pulled guns and knives on me. I was kinda at a loss for a while until I got the nerve to go to the police and explain what was happening.

It's not easy to get out once it starts. You REALLY have to leave at the first sign of trouble...not try to be tough.

[Buttonz]

Originally Posted by preciousjeni

I stayed with an abusive boyfriend because of #2. I had to have him arrested and then I snuck away to where he couldn't find me. The first time he hit me, I hit him back. We used to fight hard. But, as time went by, he got too rough and he was too strong for me. I shouldn't have stayed (#3 kept me coming back plus I had a little of #4 because I knew I was hitting him back).

When I finally got away, I thought I was pathetic for not standing up to him, but then again he had threatened my friends and family and had pulled guns and knives on me. I was kinda at a loss for a while until I got the nerve to go to the police and explain what was happening.

It's not easy to get out once it starts. You REALLY have to leave at the first sign of trouble...not try to be tough.

I'm sorry that you had it happen to you *hug*

I'm glad you were able to get away from him,and that you had the nerve to do it.

*hug*

[preciousjeni]

Originally Posted by Buttonz

I'm sorry that you had it happen to you *hug*

I'm glad you were able to get away from him,and that you had the nerve to do it.

*hug*

Thanks for the hugs! It's ok now...I'm engaged to a man who doesn't retaliate, even verbally. He is the most gentle person I know. I learned my lesson well.

[Jill1228]

This might sound harsh:
I say when a man hits you the first time, it is his fault
If he does it again, it is your fault

Get the hell out

My mother is a survivor of domestic abuse. She got rid of his ass about 20 years ago (husband #2...the biggest mistake of her life). I am a believer in if a cycle is not broken it will continue to the next generation. I vowed that no man would EVAH take his hand to me...

I always told anyone I dated "if ya decide to hit me, ya better kill me on the first blow...if not, G-d help ya!"

No man has ever been dumb enough to even THINK about it

So I say, if he hits you once, that is a hint and a half to get your ass out...especially if you have kids. It is your responsiblity to get out...

Do you want your son to grow up thinking it is okay to take his hand to a woman? Do you want your daughter to think it is okay to get hit?

Bottom line:
REAL MEN DO NOT TAKE THEIR HANDS TO WOMEN OR CHILDREN!!!!!

[Dionysus]

I'd say do it before they hit you. Guys (and girls) don't hit you out of the blue. Usually, they emotionally abuse you first. Get out then!

[Jill1228]

Thank you!

Yup as you guessed, I feel very strongly about this subject

Oh yeah, a restraining order ain't worth the paper it is written on...unless it is backed up by a big assed gun!

Originally Posted by Dionysus

I'd say do it before they hit you. Guys (and girls) don't hit you out of the blue. Usually, they emotionally abuse you first. Get out then!

[Buttonz]

Originally Posted by Jill1228

This might sound harsh:
I say when a man hits you the first time, it is his fault
If he does it again, it is your fault

Get the hell out

My mother is a survivor of domestic abuse. She got rid of his ass about 20 years ago (husband #2...the biggest mistake of her life). I am a believer in if a cycle is not broken it will continue to the next generation. I vowed that no man would EVAH take his hand to me...

I always told anyone I dated "if ya decide to hit me, ya better kill me on the first blow...if not, G-d help ya!"

No man has ever been dumb enough to even THINK about it

So I say, if he hits you once, that is a hint and a half to get your ass out...especially if you have kids. It is your responsiblity to get out...

Do you want your son to grow up thinking it is okay to take his hand to a woman? Do you want your daughter to think it is okay to get hit?

Bottom line:
REAL MEN DO NOT TAKE THEIR HANDS TO WOMEN OR CHILDREN!!!!!

Agreed 100%

My mother left my "father" the first time he laid a hand to her...this was with a 3 year old and a 1 year old.