How many times does your boyfriend/husband have to beat you until you leave him

[BobbyTheDon]

Originally Posted by Munchkin03

You should ask my friend K on the second part.

I love how she tells me that "this is just the way guys are." Huh? I date real guys, not some chick who binds down her boobs with ACE bandages and wears a plastic penis...and they've never laid a hand on me.

That is hilarious, weird, sad and hilarious again.



I have a friend who got hit recently. She said "i aint puttin up with this shit. no ones ever hit me before. oh hell no". blah blah blah. wah wah wah.

She's still with him.

[AGDee]

My first husband threw something in my general direction and that was enough for me to leave. I wasn't waiting around to get hit.

[Pessimist Null]

this thread is sad

no one should be getting hurt

[Buttonz]

Originally Posted by Pessimist Null

this thread is sad

no one should be getting hurt

Agreed. Anyone who stays with someone that hits them or beats them is a total moron.

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by Buttonz

Agreed. Anyone who stays with someone that hits them or beats them is a total moron.

I see you've never been in that situation. I hope you never are.

[BobbyTheDon]

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

I see you've never been in that situation. I hope you never are.

You speak as if you have experienced it or something

[Ace_of_Diam0nds]

There are way too many cases of domestic abuse nowadays... I would have to agree with the point that was made earlier... I would never be with and/ or marry a man who would abuse me, my children, or any pets. Those are stepping stones and, depending on how fast he advances on the stones, I could be next and who needs that in their lives? Life is already overly complicated without someone adding his personal problems to my face. I do not know exactly what I would do if it happened, but I would never put myself in a situation where I would not be able to get out. I have seen it done and it will affect you, your children, and their perception of the abused... for better or for worse. All I have to say is that should it ever happen, I hope he hits hard enough to leave a mark because please believe I will go to the police and his family about it. Oh and I would also have a restraining order on him just in case. In one of my classes, we were discussing options and that is the best scenario. Not solely to embarrass him, but to have him realize that it is not okay and that he must be held accountable for his actions. Most abusers are not told that they are wrong by society and all of the blame goes to the abused. I think this is mostly because everyone can relate to being annoyed to the point of violence against another, however, most people either have not been in the abused situation or are not willing to admit they were abused for fear of being blamed and being abused more without help from others. We need to change the way counselors address the situation especially in the areas where counselors value the concept of marriage over the well- being of the married persons. If one knows she has to leave for her well- being, the people around her should not make her feel bad for leaving a dangerous situation especially the men around her who do not see the issue with a woman being hit... but this is the society that is shaped on the backs of the abused... so what more should we expect? Isn't it ironic that now that women are allowed to do pretty much what we want, we are still tied down by the same domestic ties of our foremothers?

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by Buttonz

Agreed. Anyone who stays with someone that hits them or beats them is a total moron.

There are several reasons why people don't leave abusers. I'm going to assume here that the victim is a woman and the abuser is a man. This, of course, is not always the case.

1. The wife doesn't have the job skills to make it without the husband - she may have gotten married right out of high school or never worked a real job.

2. The wife is afraid for her own safety if she leaves (then he'll kill her), her children's safety (if she can't prove abuse in court, the dad could get custody), and even the pets safety - if you leave me I'll kill your dog.

3. She believes him when they're in the honeymoon phase and she loves him for the non-violent times. Phases go from tension building, to outburst, to honeymoon. During the honeymoon he says things such as, I'm sorry, I'll never do it again, I didn't mean to, and I love you.

4. She blames herself. Just as many people think sex is dirty, many people believe that they deserve the beatings as punishment. If they were "better" they wouldn't get hit. It's an indoctrination that starts in childhood.

5. No resources. No money because husband keeps close tabs on how much you spend. No friends because he doesn't like you talking to or spending time with othe people. Limited family support for the same reason or because they were abusive as well.

There are other reasons, but try to imagine having limited resources, usually few friends because the abuser cuts you off from them, several children to be responsible for, if you stay, at least the kids get a meal. If you go, where do you stay, what do you eat, how do you get to a DOVE shelter when you haven't even heard of one, or the nearest one is 40 miles away in a larger city?

It's not as easy to walk away as many think. Blaming the victim is a bad idea.

[Buttonz]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

There are several reasons why people don't leave abusers. I'm going to assume here that the victim is a woman and the abuser is a man. This, of course, is not always the case.

1. The wife doesn't have the job skills to make it without the husband - she may have gotten married right out of high school or never worked a real job.

2. The wife is afraid for her own safety if she leaves (then he'll kill her), her children's safety (if she can't prove abuse in court, the dad could get custody), and even the pets safety - if you leave me I'll kill your dog.

3. She believes him when they're in the honeymoon phase and she loves him for the non-violent times. Phases go from tension building, to outburst, to honeymoon. During the honeymoon he says things such as, I'm sorry, I'll never do it again, I didn't mean to, and I love you.

4. She blames herself. Just as many people think sex is dirty, many people believe that they deserve the beatings as punishment. If they were "better" they wouldn't get hit. It's an indoctrination that starts in childhood.

5. No resources. No money because husband keeps close tabs on how much you spend. No friends because he doesn't like you talking to or spending time with othe people. Limited family support for the same reason or because they were abusive as well.

There are other reasons, but try to imagine having limited resources, usually few friends because the abuser cuts you off from them, several children to be responsible for, if you stay, at least the kids get a meal. If you go, where do you stay, what do you eat, how do you get to a DOVE shelter when you haven't even heard of one, or the nearest one is 40 miles away in a larger city?

It's not as easy to walk away as many think. Blaming the victim is a bad idea.

I'm not saying it's always easy, but at the same time, if you really want to walk away, you do it. It might take some time, and lots of planning in secret, but you do it.

If a person has the will to walk away, there is ALWAYS a way.

[Drolefille]

Originally Posted by Buttonz

I'm not saying it's always easy, but at the same time, if you really want to walk away, you do it. It might take some time, and lots of planning in secret, but you do it.

If a person has the will to walk away, there is ALWAYS a way.

There is always a way. Many victims of abuse can't, or occasionally don't want to find it. But not finding it doesn't make them morons. Even physical abuse leads to self-esteem issues, and many women in abusive relationships grew up with it and so don't find their way out of it easily.

Those who don't grow up with abuse often get stuck in the relationship that becomes more and more abusive with time so there is more invested in the relationship and its even harder to break away.

Every victim should be able to leave and have a safe place to turn to. Not every victim has that place, or the ability now.

[SOPi_Jawbreaker]

Adding to what Drolefille said, there's also often self-esteem issues. In most cases, the physical abuse doesn't just come out of nowhere. Oftentimes, it's accompanied by, if not preceded by, mental/emotional/psychological abuse. Because, if a guy acts all wonderful and then out of nowhere starts smacking his girlfriend around, she'd probably think he's a psycho and get the hell out. But when it starts small, like with him complaining about her or the things she does, it'll sneak up on her. And he's able to do and say worse and worse things to her. And if someone's constantly told that they're not good enough and that no one else will ever love them or want them, it eventually erodes their self-confidence and they start believing that no one else will ever want them.

[Buttonz]

Originally Posted by SOPi_Jawbreaker

Adding to what Drolefille said, there's also often self-esteem issues. In most cases, the physical abuse doesn't just come out of nowhere. Oftentimes, it's accompanied by, if not preceded by, mental/emotional/psychological abuse. Because, if a guy acts all wonderful and then out of nowhere starts smacking his girlfriend around, she'd probably think he's a psycho and get the hell out. But when it starts small, like with him complaining about her or the things she does, it'll sneak up on her. And he's able to do and say worse and worse things to her. And if someone's constantly told that they're not good enough and that no one else will ever love them or want them, it eventually erodes their self-confidence and they start believing that no one else will ever want them.

I agree with this, I struggle with self-esteem issues myself, so I can understand it. In that case, there isn't always a want to get out of it, because of what the woman thinks about herself. Sadly, this is when she really needs the support of her friends and family, and at that point very often she doesn't have any, at least not close enough to see the truth about what's happening.

But, in the case of physical abuse standing alone, and I've seen that happen, if there is a will there is a way.

[preciousjeni]

Originally Posted by Drolefille

There are several reasons why people don't leave abusers. I'm going to assume here that the victim is a woman and the abuser is a man. This, of course, is not always the case.

1. The wife doesn't have the job skills to make it without the husband - she may have gotten married right out of high school or never worked a real job.

2. The wife is afraid for her own safety if she leaves (then he'll kill her), her children's safety (if she can't prove abuse in court, the dad could get custody), and even the pets safety - if you leave me I'll kill your dog.

3. She believes him when they're in the honeymoon phase and she loves him for the non-violent times. Phases go from tension building, to outburst, to honeymoon. During the honeymoon he says things such as, I'm sorry, I'll never do it again, I didn't mean to, and I love you.

4. She blames herself. Just as many people think sex is dirty, many people believe that they deserve the beatings as punishment. If they were "better" they wouldn't get hit. It's an indoctrination that starts in childhood.

5. No resources. No money because husband keeps close tabs on how much you spend. No friends because he doesn't like you talking to or spending time with othe people. Limited family support for the same reason or because they were abusive as well.

There are other reasons, but try to imagine having limited resources, usually few friends because the abuser cuts you off from them, several children to be responsible for, if you stay, at least the kids get a meal. If you go, where do you stay, what do you eat, how do you get to a DOVE shelter when you haven't even heard of one, or the nearest one is 40 miles away in a larger city?

It's not as easy to walk away as many think. Blaming the victim is a bad idea.

I stayed with an abusive boyfriend because of #2. I had to have him arrested and then I snuck away to where he couldn't find me. The first time he hit me, I hit him back. We used to fight hard. But, as time went by, he got too rough and he was too strong for me. I shouldn't have stayed (#3 kept me coming back plus I had a little of #4 because I knew I was hitting him back).

When I finally got away, I thought I was pathetic for not standing up to him, but then again he had threatened my friends and family and had pulled guns and knives on me. I was kinda at a loss for a while until I got the nerve to go to the police and explain what was happening.

It's not easy to get out once it starts. You REALLY have to leave at the first sign of trouble...not try to be tough.

[Buttonz]

Originally Posted by preciousjeni

I stayed with an abusive boyfriend because of #2. I had to have him arrested and then I snuck away to where he couldn't find me. The first time he hit me, I hit him back. We used to fight hard. But, as time went by, he got too rough and he was too strong for me. I shouldn't have stayed (#3 kept me coming back plus I had a little of #4 because I knew I was hitting him back).

When I finally got away, I thought I was pathetic for not standing up to him, but then again he had threatened my friends and family and had pulled guns and knives on me. I was kinda at a loss for a while until I got the nerve to go to the police and explain what was happening.

It's not easy to get out once it starts. You REALLY have to leave at the first sign of trouble...not try to be tough.

I'm sorry that you had it happen to you *hug*

I'm glad you were able to get away from him,and that you had the nerve to do it.

*hug*