November's In The Spirit

[CrimsonTide4]

In the Spirit


A Love Worth Giving


In any group of sisters, some will moan, "There are no good men out there." But our lives arrange themselves according to our thoughts, so such statements attract exactly what they call for: no good men - truth-benders and vow breakers. And after having our fill of abuse, we may decide the best we can do is protect ourselves. We strap our hearts in armor, closing off the very tenderness that draws love near.

Perpetual fear of being hurt in love is a fatal mistake. When you love, even when you're hurt, you never lose. You awaken. You learn to love goodness, not glitz and glamour, and to choose wisely.

My friend Chester Grundy, a vice-president at Kentucky State University, has been married to his wife, Ann, for 27 years. He says, "You sisters have to be patient with us. You're so much further ahead of us brothers in your understanding of life and yourselves." When men speak from the heart, I listen. Cultural critic and writer Orde Coombs said to me not long before he died, "Brothers don't have the support you women do. We don't have the people or publications or intimate relationships with each other that you have, assuring and affirming and guiding us to live healthy lives." My husband, Khephra, says bluntly, "Some of us simply don't want to grow up."

I'm no apologist for men's hurtful behavior, and I never want to see a woman play the fool. But we can't fully know the burden that Black men carry - the buried hurt, old rage and daddy hunger. The cool indifference, posturing and self-centered player profile are the faces that some front in a society that systematically tries to emasculate them, that has demonized them and built a profit making prison industry to contain them. Like us, Black men have had to create their own identity and dignity. Unlike us, they suffer in silence. Loving a Black man in America can be like welcoming home a war veteran. Even brothers at the top of their game are under siege. More than anything, our men need truth and tenderness - even when they mess up. The last thing a brother needs is to have us attacking him, too.

Who will be allies to Black men in their personal development if not us? Who cares more than we do? In all relationships, those with greater awareness have greater responsibility for healing and setting things right. Our communities are in crisis; we have no time to waste.

Choose a man you can love, and work with him. Or commit to understanding more deeply the one you're with. But before any man becomes your lover, make him your friend and, most important, see him as your brother. Don't let little things irritate you. When there's conflict, soften your heart, see his innocence - or ignorance - and don't have an attitude. Speak kindly. Be reverent. Practice peace. Be a role model for the behavior you want him to adopt. As our beloved Dr. Betty Shabazz said she did with Malcolm, find the good and praise it!


This was Susan Taylor's In The Spirit for November edition of Essence. My boyfriend asked me this morning had I read it. So I did and I listened to what she said. I have some thoughts and there were parts of her editorial that resonated within my spirit and made me reflect on the relationship that my boyfriend and I have.

So tell me what you think about what Susan Taylor wrote. I have some questions that I want to center discussion around, but I want to see initial reactions first.