Religious Jokes!

[Cloud9]

Post your most hilarious jokes about religion, God(s), the meaning of life, and the afterlife! Try to keep them on the tasteful side...


I'll start:



A man stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, " What are all those clocks?

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible," said the man. "and whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock in in Jesus's office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."


Ba dum BING!


Aaaaaaaand another!



Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better at using the computer.

They had been going at it for what seemed like an eternity, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally, God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test which will take two hours and it will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They dragged.

They clicked.

They double clicked and right clicked.

They did spreadsheets.

They wrote reports.

They sent faxes.

They sent e-mails.

They sent out e-mails with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did some genealogy charts.

They made cards.

They did every known computer job and ran every known computer diagnostic.

But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.

Satan started searching frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all his files from the past two hours.

Satan observed this and became even more irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it??!!"

God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."


hahahahahahahahahahaha