Worst Wedding You've Ever Attended

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My friend (let’s call him “Ron”) was getting married for the second time (it was the bride’s second marriage too), and I twisted my sister’s arm to go with me. She didn’t want to because she doesn’t really know Ron and doesn’t like the bride (a moody, snotty, beyotch). I promised my sister it would be worth her time, and I was right! She and I started writing down everything that happened as soon as we left the ceremony so we wouldn’t forget all the crazy, trashy things that happened. Some highlights:

All the invitations were issued on Facebook.

My sister and I were the first people to be seated in the church, even though we were running late and arrived shortly before the ceremony was supposed to start.

All the groomsmen and ushers wore jeans.

My first impression (and my sister’s) of the pastor was, "Who's that scraggly-looking dude lurking around the altar?"

The groom was standing at the altar and the wedding party was getting ready to march in when one of the bridesmaids yelled, “Hey Ron! You need to walk your mom down the aisle!” So he left the altar and walked his mom (and himself, again) down the aisle.

It was rumored that the bride and groom were going to walk down the aisle together to heavy metal music, instead of more traditional music (they did not, thankfully).

The pastor wore trucker's chains (no lie).

The words "willing bodies" were in the vows (Eww).

The words "because I drive you crazy" were in the vows (Okayy…).

As they were beginning the ring exchange, the bride and groom realized the rings had been left in the car, and someone had to be sent from the church to retrieve them while everyone waited.

The guy sitting next to me played Scrabble on his iPhone throughout the ceremony.

The Beatles song "I Want to Hold Your Hand" was sung slowly and formally, like a solemn hymn or something.

The bride's son's biological dad was his mom's new husband. (While the bride had been married to her first husband, about 20 years prior, she had an affair with my friend Ron, had his son, and passed him off as her first husband’s child).

My sister was laughing so hard by the end of the ceremony that I had to whisper to her through gritted teeth, "Not a word out of your mouth until we get to the car!"

The pastor showed up at the bar next door to the church after the ceremony to celebrate with the wedding party.

Almost everyone at the reception said they only gave it a year before the couple divorced (they lasted about two years).