I need advice - should I drop?

[needadvice]

I recently went through recruitment. I truly enjoyed most of the process; since I know very few people at this school (as in, count them on one hand), I loved getting to meet new people and see what they’re all about. Skipping through all the parties, I’ll get to the end. I also want to emphasize the fact that every chapter here is wonderful, and that I hold great respect for the traditions and sisterhood in each group of women.
Banana - I was rushed hard by my first choice on preference day, including by one of the people that I know at this school. I was enamored – these women were smart, classy, polished, they looked like me, the PNMs looked like me, beautiful house. Preference was wonderful and they really, REALLY rushed me hard. It was an easy choice to rank them first and I told them so. All the girls in my Rho Gam group said that they thought that I would fit this chapter perfectly.
Orange - I had two more parties that day: the next was the chapter that my aunt was in, who I had ranked as “meh” all week, and had listed as a lower alternate after the second round, but had a beautiful house, and the girls were nice, but I felt no connection and preference bored me.
Apple - I then had a final party (we could have three that day) at a chapter that was my favorite in Round 1 and close to the top in Round 2, but during Round 3, I talked to three girls that I didn’t click with and felt uncomfortable around. In addition, I couldn’t remember a girl’s name, after talking to her for twenty minutes, and I had only not gotten a name (and written it down, I have a record of every girl I talked to until preference) from my last party of Round 1 at a house that made me instantly uncomfortable. I’m good with names, and that threw me, then I talked to a girl who wouldn’t look me in the eye (rather, a foot to my left). I loved this house the first two rounds, but the third had been painful, and their house is a landmark, so it can’t be altered, rendering it significantly smaller than each of the houses that I toured. It’s beautiful, of course, but very cramped. I left very confused from preference, because the chapter which was my favorite for the first half was painful for the last half.
Our school has a policy – if you play fair the whole week by attending every party to which you have been invited, and if you rank every house that you attended for preference, you are guaranteed a bid.
So, imagine my shock when I was given a bid to Orange.
I don’t want to sound ungrateful in the least. Please, don’t take this as a “boo-hoo, I didn’t get my first choice, so I’m going to whine and tear down that chapter for the next four years and pout”. I do not want to sound rude. I’m seventeen and an INFJ (if you enjoy Myers-Briggs types) and an HSP, and I’m away from home. I am not in the least trying to have a pity party. I really just need the advice of actives or alumnae who may have seen this before. As Liesl says, “I need someone older and wiser, telling me what to dooo-oooo”. (Though if you belong to Rolf’s political party, I may not heed your advice.)
I quickly realized that I needed to put on a happy face. A girl in my group received a bid that she was not happy with and did not go to the bid day event there. She really wanted Orange, and I wanted Banana, and I knew that this was not a time to get to cry and whine when I had been given an invitation that someone else really wanted. So, like everyone else, I jumped around and smiled and ran to my pledge class. I was putting that smile on with everything that I had and was trying not to look at Banana.
Bid Day was awkward – running around with girls I didn’t feel connected to and taking pictures with strangers and wondering what I could have done to rank higher at Banana while smiling and trying to learn people’s names and act excited is emotional. I was torn inside.
A few weeks later, I find myself in a predicament.
My pledge class sort of scares me – I’m not one to go out, and I’m certainly not one to go out three nights in row (I like pajamas and pizza and those fun paisley adult coloring pages and having conversations with my amazing roommates). I have absolutely no problem with drinking, but I think that girls that represent an organization should do so with a little decorum, instead of bragging about their conquests to the entire group and getting raunchy comments and high fives in return. I’m sure that I am not the only one that feels that way, but as those are the girls who are extroverts, and girls like me tend not to speak up in that sort of situation, I feel that I am probably in the silent percentage.
I really like a girl who I had as my temporary big; we have a class together and always sit together, and she encourages me to keep trying. She said that for the first month, she wondered if she should drop (she is much like me and felt similarly about her pledge class). I am getting to know a few sophomores, but I feel like the freshmen who go out regularly (about 80% of our class on a typical Friday) are getting to know the sophomores more and creating a divide that I noticed during recruitment. The chapter tends to have mostly loud and spontaneous girls, with a majority of very quiet, sometimes awkward girls, and a few in between the two.
I feel a sense of dread – we are supposed to pref for bigs in one week. The girl I mentioned is the only one with whom I would feel comfortable. I don’t even know if I want to initiate. I feel like an outsider in the group that I thought would welcome me. I don’t want to be in Banana anymore and am definitely not pining for a second chance there, as I’ve gotten to know (by coincidence) several members in their pledge class and I know that it is not the place for me (there is a girl from my hometown who is…one of my least favorite people, and I figure that if that is her home, then it is better that we are not together, and we were separated for a reason). I just don’t feel any affection for Orange, and do not want to pref for bigs if I’m not sure that I want to initiate. I would not feel right taking a big in Orange, and certainly not a lifetime membership, if I don’t like it.
Here is the big question (I know that this has been over 1,000 words and I apologize for my word vomit):
How can I figure out if I should stay? Should I talk to the sophomore that I connect with? Our New Member Educators? Keep this to myself? I don’t want to be “the girl who didn’t want to be here” if I continue on. However, at this time, if I don’t feel right about it, I cannot in good conscience take a big. I need to know where to start to try to get some help with this, and as sorority women, I figured why not ask.
Again, I realize that to get a bid is an honor, and I have really been giving it a shot. I come over to Orange almost every day, I sit with new people at every meeting to try to meet new people, I sit with girls in my PC if I see them at lunch…I just need some advice. Neither of my parents were greek, so they can offer sympathy, but are encouraging me to keep trying.
Okay, 1400 words later (I swear, all my schoolwork is done for tonight) – thank you, Greek Chat!