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Thank you all again.
Next day the inevitable happened. It was preference - Lemon Bars and Blueberry Tarts. She called me and said, “Come and get me, I’m done.” Fortunately I was in Family-Friendly City on that day (we hadn’t sold our house yet, and I had some business to take care of), so I could get her fairly easily. Now I’m sure it sounds like she left school because she didn’t get into a sorority she wanted, and that’s true in part. As a matter of fact her ex told her that he heard she had told the Ice Creams she was dropping out of school if she didn’t get into their chapter (not correct, and she had a pretty good idea where he had gotten that info, but it was , when all was said and done, what happened). There was more to it than that. Her grades, her doubts going back, her need to get away from the ex, etc., but it was a moot point. She felt this was the last in a series of closed doors, and she needed to go home, rethink her options, and get her GPA up at the very least.
Brooke might have been superficial, close-minded and a host of other things common to many 19 year old girls, but I have to hand it to her on this -She didn’t do any crying or feeling sorry for herself – at least in front of me. She knew that ultimately, she had gone into this feeling like there were certain chapters she couldn’t join and whether her reasons were sketchy or solid (she would now say mostly sketchy), it hadn’t worked out the way she had hoped, she made a decision to drop, and she lived with it without wasting much time crying about it. Actually, as we were getting ready to jump in the car to go, she saw a freshman girl from her group that she knew crying on the lawn outside their dorm. She also hadn’t gotten the chapters she wanted and was disappointed. Brooke told me to wait, jumped out of the car, and spent some time with her arm around the girl – talking to her and comforting her. I think Brooke kept track of her and she eventually ended up COBing and happy in a chapter, but I’m not sure.
She moved on. Really quickly. On the drive home she talked about things she wanted to get involved in and schools she wanted to visit. Of course there was some aftermath. Ex called wanting to know why she was really doing this. That conversation brought on some tears. Her Chocolate Cake friends called after bid day and asked how things had gone and where she was. She cried again then. A few months after this (spring actually), the Cookies emailed her and invited her to some informal events. Apparently, they weren’t aware she was no longer at Party State. I think she had a “what if” moment, but by this time she was pretty sure she needed to head in another direction as far as schools went, so she didn’t dwell on that for long.
The next year was hard, but here is my message to moms who come on GC after a disappointing recruitment looking for answers. I had never cared a thing about sorority life, but I still spent the entire week my daughter went through recruitment virtually unable to eat I was so stressed out. I listened to her cry daily and my heart broke. I couldn’t sleep. I cried all the way down to get her. I had the advantage of knowing some good, completely non-personal reasons why she MAY had been cut (of course we will never know for sure), and it still hurt me for her. She’s my child after all.
My heart continued to break for her the following year. She was in a city where she knew no one. She watched her friends at Party State go on with their lives via facebook. She felt forgotten with the exception of ex’s fraternity brothers and her Rho Gamma (they sent facebook messages regularly to see how she was doing and what her plans were).
We want our children to be happy 24/7, but as hard as it was to watch – she and I both know because we’ve talked about it a lot since, that the year she came home was the best thing that could have happened to her in terms of her own personal growth.
Slowly she joined some activities, found a job, started taking classes at a community college, and brought her grades up. More importantly, she learned that when it comes to friends – quality beats quantity and having lots of people who “know” you can’t replace a few people who love you. She figured out who she was and what she wanted. She learned to go outside of her comfort zone and take some chances. She learned how to study and remembered how much she had once loved school (the academic part that is). She started to understand that you have to work for things – they don’t always just work out because you want them to. I guess what I’m saying is that while its fine to hurt for them – it really is best not to try and “fix it” for them. They will miss out on those all-important opportunities for growth.
She also visited schools. She considered going back to Party State, but she fell in love with my alma mater – University of Tie Dye. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to go through recruitment there, but when she visited she did ask me to show her Greek row which was interesting because Tie-Dye doesn’t have much of a Greek row (it’s more like a Greek block with other Greek houses scattered randomly), and that just mystified her. She actually got a bit frustrated with me assuming that there must be some type of larger Greek row somewhere, and I was just clueless or forgetful. Since I didn’t spend any time at Greek events/parties when I was in college, I admitted this was a possibility, but this was all I knew of the Greek houses at my school.
Through facebook, she found out a friendly acquaintance from high school was also at the University of Tie Dye. She got in touch with her to ask about the school, and it turned out friend was a Candied Apple. She asked about recruitment which UTD did shortly after school started. Being a sophomore wasn’t a big deal (she would be a junior by age and a sophomore by credits), it sounded more laid back, and friend had good things to say about all the other chapters which all seemed more well, I guess, even is the word. She was also relieved to find out that while Greek life there was growing and healthy, it wasn’t the end all be all of the social scene on that campus by any stretch. She felt reassured that no matter what she decided, she could find plenty to do there.
She went down to visit the school a couple of times and on one occasion hung out with friend and visited the Candied Apples. They seemed like nice girls and the house was beautiful. She had learned a lot in a year, and she knew she needed to be much more open minded if she decided to do this again, but her heart started leaning a bit toward the Candied Apples.
At the encouragement of her cheer coach (she joined an international cheer team during that year) and myself, she sent in a tape to the coach of a new sport University of Tie Dye had just started (Title IX thing). It was a type of competitive cheer with a few variations. She got a spot as a recruited walk on (scholarships had already been awarded) and signed an LOI. She wasn’t exactly thrilled, but she figured it would be a good way to meet some people at a school where she didn’t really know anyone, and if she didn’t try recruitment or it didn’t work out, at least she would know she had something else. I just saw scholarship dollars down the road.
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