Summary of (Almost Anyone's) Year on the Computer

[AGDLynn]

Summary of My Year on the Computer

* I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the email about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.



* Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.



* I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.



* I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000.00 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.



* I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.



* I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.



* I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.



* Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.



* Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.



* I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.



* I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put, "Under God" on their cans.



* I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.



* And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face... Disfiguring me for life.



* I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.



* I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.



* I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise..



* I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.



* I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan



* I no longer have any sneakers - but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.



* I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.



* Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.



* Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us. I can live a better life now because he's told us how to fix everything.



* And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.



* Oh, and don't forget this one either!



* I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!



* If you don't send this email to at least 47,000 people in the next 47 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:47 p.m. This afternoon and the fleas from 47 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's Cousin's beautician.



* Have a wonderful day... AND a scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their email with their hand on the mouse.



* Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

--- received from an Alpha Gam sister