New NFL Mercy Rule

[DaemonSeid]

At the request of every NFL coach not named Bill Belichick, and in response to the many emails from fans, (especially the real whiny ones), the NFL has adopted a new "mercy rule" that will be instituted next week for the remainder of the season. In honor of the two coaches having the most to do with demanding this new policy, the rule will be called the Dungy And Mangini "Belichick And Brady Impositions to Equalize Scoring" rule, (or the D.A.M. B.A.B.I.E.S. rule for short)


Beginning in Week 9:

1. Any team that hosts the Patriots gets spotted 9 points before the opening kickoff
2. Any team that travels to Foxboro to play the Patriots gets spotted 14 points before the opening kickoff
3. If, (actually When) the Patriots build a 24 point lead, at any point in the game, the opposing team will:
--a. Get the ball at the Pats 35 yard line and have 10 plays to try to score, (FG or TD)
-----(i) If they fail to score, the ball will move back to the 35 yard line and they will get a fresh set of 10 plays
-----(ii) If the Patriots Defense scores, (INT/FUM return) during the 10 plays, the score will be immediately nullified and the down replayed
-----(iii) If the team does score, they will kick off to the Patriots and play will continue as normal, (until the lead goes above 24 again).
4. After Tom Brady throws his third TD pass, a new ball will be used whenever the Patriots go on offense
--a. The ball will be slightly bigger and weighted heavier at one end, (so a deep spiral will be next to impossible to throw)
5. After Randy Moss, (or ANY Patriots receiver), catches their second TD, or goes over 100 yards receiving they will
--a. be forced to play the reminder of the game with Crisco Oil on their hands
6. After any Patriot running back scores his second rushing TD, or rushes for more than 100 yards they will
--a. be required to play the remainder of the game with shoes that weigh 10 lbs... each
7. If all else fails, the 2nd string or Practice Squad will be called in to finish the game.
8. If the Patriots are up by 35 points at any point of the game, the game is automatically declared....over.
9. Other ways games will automatically be over against the Patriots:
--a. Teams lose their starting QB, WR, or RB due to injury or ineptness
--b. If a CB AND FS (or SS) are beaten more than 2x on passes thrown to Randy Moss while providing what they thouhgt was double coverage.
--c. Forget to cover Wes Welker or Mike Vrabel and they score.
--d. let a hole open up like the Red Sea wide to let Brady run thru and score 2x.
10. If any teams get blown out like the Redskins any more this season automatically will get a Patriots draft pick to be detremined by thier overall record at the end of the season.