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"Only In America"
NOTHING IS FUNNIER THAN THE
TRUTH.
1. Only in America......can a pizza get
to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there
handicapped parking places in front
of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores
make the sick walk all the way to the
back of the store to get their
prescriptions while healthy people can
buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order
double cheeseburgers, large fries, and
a diet coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave
both doors open and then chain the
pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave
cars worth thousands of dollars in
the driveway and put our useless
junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use
answering machines to screen calls
and then have call waiting so we
won't miss a call from someone we
didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot
dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the
word 'politics' to describe the
process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning
'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking
creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have
drive-up ATM machines with Braille
lettering.
In case you needed further proof
that the human race is doomed through
stupidity, here are some actual label
instructions on consumer goods:
1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use
while sleeping".
[Gee, that's the only time I have to
work on my hair]
2. On a bag of Fritos: "You could be
winner! No purchase necessary.
Details inside".
[Evidently, the shoplifter special]
3. On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
[And that would be how...?]
4. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestions: Defrost."
[But it's *just* a suggestion]
5. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down".
[Oops, too late!]
6. On Marks & Spencer Bread
Pudding: "Product will be hot
after heating".
[As sure as night follows the day...]
7. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body".
[But wouldn't this save even more time?]
8. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate
machinery after taking this medication".
[We could do a lot to reduce the rate of
construction accidents, if we could just
get those 5-year-olds with head-colds
off those forklifts.]
9. On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness"
[One would hope]
10. On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only".
[As opposed to what?]
11. On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use".
[I gotta admit, I'm curious].
12. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: Contains nuts".
[NEWS FLASH]
13. On an American Airlines packet
of nuts:
"Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."
[Step 3: Fly Delta]
14. On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not
enable you to fly".
[I don't blame the company. I do
blame parents for this one!]
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