Closure?

[volgirl2376]

I have a question for everyone out there: Can gaining closure be seen as some sort of psycho act?

Here is the background story...its long...

I dated Michael for a little under a year beginning on New Years Eve 1999 until late Jan of 2001. He lived about an hour and a half away but we talked every day and non-stop online while I was at work and he was at school. We were so in-love, talked about our future together...we even bought each other promise rings. Everything was going pretty good until around September when he started acting weird. He always came to spend the weekends with me at my house, but all of a sudden he was online all the time - supposedly talking about class with Rhonda - the RA in his co-ed dorm. He said they were just friends, I was jealous, but no big deal - I have tons of guy friends. The phone calls became less frequent..until there were none whatsoever. He would stay up even later talking to Rhonda...you know about school work, and coming to bed after I was already asleep. Things really got obvious when we were intimate. I was his first...so he didnt really have any other experience...but all of a sudden he was amazing...I jokingly wondered who he was practicing with..but he would just laugh it off. So fast forward to the middle of Dec 99...I had to beg him to come that weekend to take me to my work christmas party - it was formal and I already bought a gown. I was surprised that he didnt get me anything for Christmas...he said he didnt have any money, and I believed him...but I still gave him my gift...a really nice leather coat. As he was leaving, I was helping him take his stuff out to his car and I see these lame animal print boxer shorts...a big body pillow...and other stuff...like PRESENTS...obviously from a girl. I just broke down crying, and he said they were just gag gifts from..guess who, Rhonda. He left, and deep down I knew I would never see him again. I finally saw him online on Christmas Eve...where he told on on instant messanger that he wanted to break up...and basically he had been seeing Rhonda, in every way, for months now. I was devestated...I felt foolish, heartbroken...I didnt leave my bed after going through the motions of Christmas for almost a week. It took me almost 4 months before I could tell my mom without crying. I did everything from trying to beg him back, to trying to be his friend...he wont talk to me other than a few words...like I was the one who did something wrong.

So here I am now...a year later. I am still crippled by the events. I have to force myself to get out of bed everyday and go on. I guess its like on that night I lost my best friend and my boyfriend all at the same time. I want to stress this, I do not want Michael back. I dont want to be his friend, I dont want to be his girlfriend.
I do however want to get all these things off my chest. I feel that since he was such a coward in the way he broke up with me, that the only way I can move on is to have some sort of closure...closure I never got. I have tried counseling...I have tried everything. I still cry over the situation frequently. I guess knowing he cheating on me...and hearing him tell me that he really found a one in a million girl with Rhonda...it killed me inside...it wiped out any esteem I ever had, and it makes me doubt every guy I go out with.

So my question is this...since it has been a year...would he think I was a complete psycho if I told him all these feelings I have and how horrible my life has been this year...is it too late to get closure???

I want to add, I have been in other serious relationships - this wasnt my first. And again, I dont want him back.

Thanks for reading