Squirrel Confessions

[tunatartare]

Courtesy of Craig's List:

1. I bury way, way too many nuts. I mean loads of them. There really is just something fucked-up about how many nuts I bury. And then I can't even remember where most of them are.

2. I don't even really like nuts.

3. I worry my tail isn't bushy enough. Sure it's bushy, but I look at some of the other squirrels, and their tails look so much bushier than mine, and it just makes me sad, you know?

4. Sometimes I eat my own offspring.

5. I fantasize about having another boy-squirrel pound my little furry ass really, really hard.

6. Often when I'm being chased by a dog, I think I'd like to just stop and let it eat me.

7. I'm scared of heights.

8. I hate the way everyone thinks my twitchy nose is cute. Fuck you, I have allergies!

9. I try to be a decent, tolerant squirrel but I can't stop thinking that there are too many grey squirrels coming over here and taking trees and nuts from us honest, hard-working red squirrels.

10. Some days I just wish I was a chipmunk instead.