I hope you're doing okay.
My senior year in HS I was sitting in class & overheard 2 girls talking about "James" killing himself over the weekend. James & I had been in orchestra for 2 years together & were stand partners for the entire 2nd year. I regret it now, but I was not in orchestra the year before this all happened, so I hadn't talked to James in about a year and a half. Tons of things happened that day including me skipping a proficency test & visiting a friend at work whom had already heard the news.
One of the things that still weighs heavily on my mind is the regret that I never told James how much he meant to me. See, my freshman year in HS I had a horrible time adjusting & ended up with a serious bout of depression. James, who was a year older than me & so so so funny gave me a little something to look forward to each day. I suppose I had a little crush on him & would decide what to wear & how to do my hair based on how he'd like it. It sounds corny now, but he really helped me get better without ever knowing it. It pisses me off & makes me so sad that he helped me recover from the same thing that led him to commit suicide. One other side note- James was (is?) a member of the fraternity that is my sorority's next door neighbor. He was a freshman while I was a senior & only found out abou his frat last year. It makes me mad & sad that if things had been different I would see him very often at school & greek events. When his fraternity was doing their skit for greek week I had to fight back tears because I knew James would have been performing if he was still here.
As for coping, please give couseling a chance. Even if it's just to vent to a third party, give it a shot. I know it's cliche, but time will make you feel better. You'll never understand but eventually you will accept it. It's a long sucky process, but you'll get through it.
And even though we don't know each other well, if you ever want to chat you can PM or email me.
Heidi
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