When it's over...

[Munchkin03]

This is somewhat related to the pinning thread...

What happens when a relationship is over, and you've been pinned or lavaliered by your now-ex?

Do you give the pin/lavaliere back?

Do you regret putting so much stock into something that obviously didn't work out?

Would you get pinned by another fraternity man?

To me, it just seems like one of those "pretend engagement" things so many girls on GC are crazy about.

[33girl]

I think it depends on the school, but lavaliering was definitely NOT taken lightly by the lavalier-ers or lavalier-ees at my school. It wasn't a "pretend engagement." Most, if not all, of the people, in my chapter who were lavaliered went on to marry the guy - and are STILL married to them. I mean, sometimes you just know.

When you're in college it's a lot easier to afford a lavailer than an engagement ring. It also freaks the parents out a lot less.

If something happened, yes you gave the lavalier/pin back - it would be horribly disrespectful not to.

Would you get pinned by someone else? Are you intimating that you shouldn't? That's kind of like saying you should never get married if you broke an engagement.

[James]

I think Munchkin is kind of pointing towards those that view Being pinned and a candle pass ceremony as a sort of right of passage.

The girls that will come on GC and say they would just love to be lavaliered before they graduate.

These girls are for the most part 22 or under and never been out in the real world or on their own.

The long term odds aren't real good for them and their relationships.

A couple of people have posted in the pinning thread that on their campuses a large visible proportion of relationships end after pinning.

My opinion is that the Lavalier should be given back and that most girls would get lavaliered again if the opportunity presented itself.

(Author's note: I am not presuming to speak for munchkin and I am sure she will correct me if I am way off.)

[KSUViolet06]

Yes, if you break up, give the lavaliere/pin/letters back. They are his letters. I'm not too crazy about pinnings/lavalierings just because there are lots of other things to give a girl to prove your devotion instead of YOUR fraternity letters/insignia. I personally would prefer an engagement ring or some other piece of jewelry

[Munchkin03]

Actually, you're right on the money, James.

[33girl]

Originally posted by James
I think Munchkin is kind of pointing towards those that view Being pinned and a candle pass ceremony as a sort of right of passage.

The girls that will come on GC and say they would just love to be lavaliered before they graduate.

These girls are for the most part 22 or under and never been out in the real world or on their own.

Well, I used to think I wanted to be engaged by graduation. That's when I was young and stupid.

Lavaliering and pinning are a predecessor to engagement. Period. If you're not ready to spend EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE with this man, you shouldn't accept the pin or lavalier.

[Munchkin03]

Originally posted by 33girl

Lavaliering and pinning are a predecessor to engagement. Period. If you're not ready to spend EVERY SINGLE DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR ENTIRE LIFE with this man, you shouldn't accept the pin or lavalier.

In theory--yeah, that's what it should be. But, we all know that's not how it always is. Do you think these girls are really thinking like that? I know they aren't.

When I asked the question about being pinned again, it was really in regards to college life--since I only know a handful of people whose fraternity boyfriends gave them lavaliers after graduation. Two "predecessors to engagement" in four years, all under the age of 22 or 23, might be a little much.

Maybe this "pinning" thing is weird to me because I didn't go to a majorly Greek school, and because the Greek exposure I had before was almost entirely NPHC, who just doesn't play that.

[33girl]

Originally posted by kappa2
You are young. By all means accept the lavaliere if that is where you are at in your relationship, even if it means getting a different set of letters from a different guy each year of college. Just make sure to give them back when you are through. ;-)

See, that is totally tacky and disrespectful as far as I'm concerned.

People got married at 22 (or younger) as a matter of course in the 1950's and 1960's. I've even seen a column in some of our old clippings from that era called "pins, rings, bells" publishing who got pinned, engaged or married.

You can be in a serious relationship without being lavaliered. If you don't feel ready to settle down, or if this is "Mr Right Now" instead of Mr Right, don't take that step.

[roqueemae]

When my husband gave me his letters, we looked at it as a pre-engagement. We dated for another year then he proposed. We were married 2 years after that. His father had given his mother letters and his brother-in-law gave his sister letters (all KA Order by the way). The letters are cherished by all of us.

It seems a little trite to say that it is wrong to accept multiple drop letters. I know a girl engaged twice in college-both broken off. Another has been married and divorced within a year. One girl got letters from a guy then cheated on him with another fraternity man. When the second pair started dating, I jokingly told him not to give her letters, she didn't respect them. He proposed instead. They hadn't been married a month when he caught her trying to take home his fraternity brothers from a bar. Marriage doesn't mean much to people these days. Maybe none of us should get married.

[recentASAalum]

I have been in this situation... I was lavaliered and then about a month later we broke up... I didn't want to give back the lavalier cuz it was the first piece of jewelry ever given to me by a man other than my father... I wouldn't have worn it around or anything but kept it more for the memory... well my sisters convinced me to give it back to him... then he turned around about 6 months later and gave his next girlfriend the same lavalier... I thought that was a little tacky but to each his own...

[nauadpi]

Just cause I thought it would be interesting to add to this thread... At my school pining and what not does not occur often, so I cannot talk about it... But an interesting note is about our advisor... When she had been in college she had been pined by multiple different fraternity men... She kept them all by saughtering them onto her charm braclet... There really wasn't a way to givem them back..

[ThetaPam]

Originally posted by recentASAalum
I have been in this situation... I was lavaliered and then about a month later we broke up... I didn't want to give back the lavalier cuz it was the first piece of jewelry ever given to me by a man other than my father... I wouldn't have worn it around or anything but kept it more for the memory... well my sisters convinced me to give it back to him... then he turned around about 6 months later and gave his next girlfriend the same lavalier... I thought that was a little tacky but to each his own...

I actually got lavaliered this August. I had to educate my boyfriend on the whole process. (Lots of hint dropping...) When he heard what it signifies (here it's not so much "pre-engagement" as "I value you as much as, if not more than, I value my fraternity") he immediately wanted to get one for me. But he wanted my help in the process to end with telling him what it all meant.

So he got his brothers to help him find a lavalier, and one brother actually offered the lavalier he had bought for, but never given to, his now ex-girlfriend. Thankfully, my boyfriend knew enough to not take his brother up on that offer!

[adpiucf]

Most girls I knew didn't give back the lavalier if the relationship ended. It was considered a piece of jewelry given to them by the man... none of them every wore their lavalieres after the breakup, but they kept them in a jewelry box. I know a few who offered to give them back to their ex's, but the boys always said no.

Funny sidenote-- it is traditional at UCF for the girls to wear their own lavaliers as necklaces.... well, one of the fraternity boys bought himself a lavaliere with his letters and wore it all the time. He said when he met the right girl, he's really be able to give her his letters, b/c he always had them on! (Cute and creepy all at the same time... Nah, just kidding. He was a very nice boy, and his was a very sweet and original idea.)

[trojangal]

I was lavaliered before my exBF gave me an engagement ring. When we broke it off, I gave him his ring back, but at the time hadn't thought about the lavalier. Once I was home after graduation, I found the lavalier in my jewelry box and sent it back to him. About a week later, a package came in the mail. He sent it back to me, saying it was for me to keep. When I was at HC this past month, I asked some of the brothers of the fraternity if there was any protocol regarding the lavalier. After much discussion, one of the elder alumni said to just keep it; another ( who was not fond of the EX) said to pitch it in the closest lake. So...it is packed away in my jewelry box, and who knows..someday, maybe I'll find a nice young man of that organization who would have a good use for it.

[Diamond Delta]

it is HUGE at my school for girls to wear their own letters on a lavelier.