Brother Advice

[USFSDTAlum]

My brother and I are three years apart. I'm 25 and he just truned 22. I left for college while he was a freshman in HS, and have rarely been back to the house since. We don't have a very close relationship, but it is something I am trying to work on. However it seems that he thinks I go out of my way to piss him off constantly. I am very confused as to what to do about this. He acts perfectly normal to my face and then stews and posts about what a miserable bitch I am in his Live Journal that he links from his IM profile for all to see. In the last year we have had several moments that I thought were my showing interest in his life, and then he posts something about me. A couple months ago we were going somewhere together, and we was driving. He has this very tribal music on and I ask about, not that I really cared, but because I was trying to find some middle ground to have a conversation on so we didn't sit in silence for an hour. It was some African political music that his friend has introduced him to, and he was explaining the back ground of the guy. Honestly very interesting. I thought it was neat, and we both had a conversation about. Later that week he posts about how he played that music purposely to get me to comment, and made me sound like I had made racist comments which I never did! As I said I was just trying to get to know him better, this is my only brother/sibling. Well back in June at my birthday, I had mentioned something so boring I had read on his LJ again. He seems perfectly fine, blows it off. I thought again, especially with a public linking from his IM that it was ok to read his LJ as he had it linked for everyone to see. Well it promptly goes private. Bring us to this morning, I am up early was reading a link on another LJ from a friend and was like lets see if MIchael's (my brother) is back up. As of July it is. And in the last paragraph of his 1st re-public entry he mentions how it is coming back public again, even if that means his "fat, unholy bitch of a sister to nose around and bring up personal secrets at family outings". If I had thought it was private I never would have said anything, nor did he ever give me any indication, that I said something wrong. I am so tired of trying to get to know him and having my advances being taken poorly. And I'm really hurt at how much contempt he has for me!
Now, I have long let this not bother me, and just failed to cultivate a relationship with my brother as obviously he is just bound and determined to see my attempts at friendship through a bias and chalk it up to a loss. Except that in the last month, my uncle (a very very very close uncle) has had serious open heart surgery, and Tuesday my grandmother had a serious stroke. I feel that given these circumstances I should try yet again to renew a relationship with my brother. Though, its just so frustrating. Especially when he's writing to the world what a miserable person I am and I have no say in how he portrays me.
Sorry this is so long.

[valkyrie]

Based on what you've said, your brother might not be ready to try to have a good relationship with you yet. He seems to be angry about something, and I'm wondering if the more you try to connect with him right now, the more he'll lash out and try to create distance. If I were in your place, I'd probably chill for a while and leave him alone. Maybe he'll come around on his own, or at least some time and space may help him get over whatever it is that's bothering him.

Of course I have no siblings so I don't really know what I'm talking about, but that's my take on it.

[wrigley]

It's admirable that you want to reconnect with your brother. He's obviously very hurt about past situations with you. Animosity of that nature isn't created in a day. Sibling rivalry exists and petty arguements are common when you're younger. I should know I have an older brother.

As for you and making the remark at your party,he must have put a good game face on for you not to notice how embarrassed he was to have you say something at a family function. He knows better than to be confrontational at an event like that.Regardless of how you intended the statement to be he obviously heard something else. Be the bigger person and apologize in his lj comments section. He has his guard up to what appears to him a sudden change of heart from you. Because you may not been there for him in the past, you can't expect him to change his opinion of you as fast as you would like. For some siblings the friends thing takes a long time to develop. I was a freshmen in college and my brother was in medical school before I realized how wrong I was about certain situations. This was pre-internet and long letters traveled between 2 continents.

I wouldn't give up on him. Tell him you'd like to schedule some time to meet for coffee. Explain you want his advice on a personal problem and you don't want to talk about it over the phone. When you meet just lay your cards on the table. If after hearing you out he's not willing to meet you halfway then at least you've said your peace. Then it's up to him. If he refuses to meet with you then write an old fashioned letter not a email and tell him how you feel. Hang in there!

[AKA_Monet]

You know, I had a similar situation when I was your age and it has not fully recovered. Of course, we had way less technology that you all did, but I had a similar situation. Here's mine:

As an older sister to my 3.5 year younger (older acting) brother, I later found out that after I had left for college, where I was the "center of attention" in my family and my brother lived in the shadow beneath me, suddenly, my brother became the "center of attention" and now my folks "barrelled down" on him... That was hard for him to take. Because he was entering high school with male raging hormones, when I was entering college 1000s of miles away AND my parents always compared our activities--even to this day!

Aside from the fact that I have gotten on my folks case about doing this to us for a long time, in retrospect, I think my brother was essentially acting out when I left because 1) he basically missed me as his "big sister"; 2) we always had this sibiling rivalry thing going on; and 3) he never really knew that I was actually "walking on egg shells- in the limelight-faking it" to my people and he did not know how to do that--so for some things he would get "caught" where I learned not to say too much... I guess, he resented me for that back then... I did not show him the ropes--so to speak...

Eventually, your brother is going to have to grow out of that... It may take him awhile. He needs to have is own life separate from you with his own friends. Unfortunately, he had to emote all his issues on the internet, which is really uncool, however, you kind have got to let him do that because that is "his outlet"--say for healing (to put is gently).

All you can do is tell him you love him and you always will. Tell him he is a great brother--even if you don't think he is--just be the "bigger sister" and tell him that...

It is obvious to me that he is seeking his "big sister" approval... It is also obvious to me that he has lost his "obnoxious stupid little brother" status ... Maybe he realizes that he has to grow up and be a man in general--and I bet he is wondering what your relationship is with him as his "big sister" that always use to get the best of him when you all were younger...

And stop looking at his little journal--'cuz it will only aggravate your situation... Just let him say what he says and let him get over his "phase"...

In fact, start complementing him on his posts about you... Say "Maybe you are right, I have been tough to deal with, I have got "XYZ" going on in my life and it hurts so bad that I have not been as open to you as I use to... What do you think I should do about it?" It will probably and literally shock him to think you would come to him for advice about life...

You would be amazed how much things change when you show love to your "younger--someday older acting" brother--like mine...

[XOMichelle]

Wow-
Is there anything in your past home life he could be upset about? Maybe you should get a live journal and write about your good faith efforts to become his friend. No, that's a bad idea. Can you tell him that you want to be his friend? The direct approach sometimes works best.

[Kevin]

This further cements my belief that LJ is bad for humanity.

[LeslieAGD]

I don't have a brother, only an 8 yr older sister, but if it was me I would go down to his level...I would sit him down and tell him he's being an ass and you are trying very hard to develop a better bond. Tell him how hurt you are by his words, but not as if you are begging for sympathy or for him to open up. Tell him that when he's done sulking like a five year old potty mouth, HE can try getting in touch with YOU.

but that's juts my .02

[ztabchbum]

I have a brother that is 3 years younger than me and boy am I glad he doesn't act like your brother! If I were you I'd hit him. I'm not even kidding. A good fist fight between me and my brother brought us much closer together. Then again, it's been at least 10 years since our last fist fight. Now we just argue and call each other names, don't speak to each other for a week and then forget about it and life is back to normal.

I'd tell him to grow up and start acting mature because you're each other's only sibling and you want to have a good relationship together. Or, he can stop all contact with you and ask for him not to post your PRIVATE life together on a PUBLIC site such as LJ. He's 22 and you're 25 - there's no reason why he should be acting like a child. If he has a problem with you or something you say then tell him to tell you and not the entire world through LJ. Ask him what his problem is, what is it that you did or what happened to cause him to have so much hate towards you. Sit down with your entire family - mom and dad - and have this talk. Let your parents know what's going on. What's he's doing is out right immature and needs to stop.

Whatever you do, good luck. I have 4 brothers and am really thanking god none are like yours. We may not all get along but we tolerate each other and act matrue. My 18 year old step brother doesn't really care for me but we get along. He's still family.

[AKA_Monet]

HELP!!!

My brother has lost his DAYUM mind!!!

He has NOT been living with his wife for 2 months--they've been married for now ~5 years...

They just had a baby--~6 months old--cutest little fella in the world--acts JUST LIKE MY BROTHER DID when he was a baby... When he's tired, he sucks his thumb--just like my brother did... And he's LOUD--got a great set of pipes--just like my brother did... Just a happy little guy...

Well, my brother resents the fact that he now has responsibilities like fathering a child with his wife... So he's lost his DAYUM mind... There may be cheating with another woman going on. Oh yeah, he spends ~2-3 hours per day with his son, and says he loves him. But, when the kid goes to sleep, my brother takes off, outta his house that he pays a mortgage for and sleeps somewhere else--wherever that may be...

There are numerous other reasons why he's doing what he's doing that I cannot go into.

But what my brother said is that "it's amazing that after 7 years with being with a person, they still do not KNOW ME..." and then he said, "I'm tired of looking like the 'happy couple' in a $0.5 million dollar house, etc."

His wife says my brother is "clinically depressed" and acted a fool during the past holidays...

I am just blown away by the lunacy that I am so glad I live in another state and will not go down to see my family--including my parents without "intervention" because I cannot handle this dysfunction...

My brother forced my family and I to reconcile our innerselves so that he could run up under this woman--even though I KNEW he was not ready for a marital relationship, AND NOW he wants to call it quits because the going got tough???

That's summa the dumbest assed bullisht I eva heard!!!

[AKA_Monet]

Originally posted by kappa2
Buy him and his wife each a copy of "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil and tell your brother (because you can-you are his sister) that if he is acting like a spoiled brat who expects the world to revolve around him. "Doesn't really know me"??????? It isn't his wife's job to convince him beyond a shadow of a doubt that she really knows him. It sounds like she has a lot more going on in her life that is more important. He may be clinically depressed, in which case he needs a good doctor and a good therapist. Start with the book, insist on the doctor & make sure someone goes with him if you can so that the doctor is getting the real story, and if that doesn't come together, let him know that if he is old enough to marry and have kids, he is old enough to stop acting like other people should cater to his wants. Other people have other things to do besides please him.

In sympathy,
Kappa2

Thanks for the advice, I greatly appreciate it... My brother will not read a book by Dr. Phil.

And like you said, "doesn't know me" (bull), my brother doesn't know his dayum self!!!

He is seeing a couples counselor with his wife, but he says that is not working for him. And he "tried" (whatever that may mean) to see an individual counselor, but said that did not work out for him either...

So, he is probably being a spoiled brat and is in shock about being a 33 year old ADULT and needs to grow up now...

The fact that my parents and him live in the same city makes matters worse for his sanctity...