living together

[cashmoney]

Originally posted by James
Off Topic: I bet you are usually the more dominant one, in a relationship Valkyrie?

Valkyrie? Dominant? Niiiiice.

[roxydiva]

well thanks guys for all of your opinions and ideas. i dont really know..he jokes about it but well see! we are pretty serious, even though its only been about 5 months. the kicker is that next sunday we are going to florida for a week. technically, with my parents, but we will basically just be by ourselves the whole week. yes, i stay with him 4 or 5 nights a week anyway...but this week its gonna be nothing but me and him...so maybe that will be some kind of make it or break it deal! lol. who knows! i was just curious in general. it seems like people i know move in with boyfriends way early (like 2 or 3 months into it) or way late/never at all in a relationship...just like with the "i love you" thing, i know everyones different, but its always interesting to hear how other people are!

roxydiva

[ZTAngel]

Something to think about:

They've done a lot of studies on couples who lived together before marriage. They've found that couples who lived together before marriage have a 50% higher divorce rate than those who didn't. Read about it in both TIME and Cosmo magazine. They did give the reasons behind it in the articles but I can't remember.

[ZTAMich]

Originally posted by ZTAngel
Something to think about:

They've done a lot of studies on couples who lived together before marriage. They've found that couples who lived together before marriage have a 50% higher divorce rate than those who didn't. Read about it in both TIME and Cosmo magazine. They did give the reasons behind it in the articles but I can't remember.

And this is why my Mr. ZetaMan does not want us living together. So we now live on opposite sides of NYC and commute over an hour to see eachother LOL.
Whatever works for the couple I guess...

[AlphaGam1019]

Here's a good article on cohabitation.

The survey, released by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, found that 70 percent of those who lived together for at least five years did eventually walk down the aisle.

But these marriages are also more likely to break up. After 10 years, 40 percent of couples that had lived together before marriage had broken up. That compares with 31 percent of those who did not live together first.

Part of the problem may be attitudes toward cohabitation are different than attitudes about marriage, said Wade Horn, a marriage expert who directs children and family programs at the Department of Health and Human Services.

When living together, he said, the attitude is "I vow to stay together with you as long as you make me happy." In a marriage, people focus on making their partners happy.

"If you're used to viewing being together as a test of the other person's ability to take care of your needs, once you get married it's hard to just switch that," Horn said.

[AlphaGam1019]

At Discovery Health, they have an article on the top 10 myths of marriage.

5. Myth: Couples who live together before marriage, and are thus able to test how well suited they are for each other, have more satisfying and longer-lasting marriages than couples who do not.

Fact: Many studies have found that those who live together before marriage have less satisfying marriages and a considerably higher chance of eventually breaking up. One reason is that people who cohabit may be more skittish of commitment and more likely to call it quits when problems arise. But in addition, the very act of living together may lead to attitudes that make happy marriages more difficult. The findings of one recent study, for example, suggest "there may be less motivation for cohabiting partners to develop their conflict resolution and support skills." (One important exception: Cohabiting couples who are already planning to marry each other in the near future have just as good a chance at staying together as couples who don't live together before marriage).

ETA:

9. Myth: Cohabitation is just like marriage, but without "the piece of paper."

Fact: Cohabitation typically does not bring the benefits — in physical health, wealth and emotional wellbeing — that marriage does. In terms of these benefits, cohabitants in the United States more closely resemble singles than married couples. This is due, in part, to the fact that cohabitants tend not to be as committed as married couples, and they are more oriented toward their own personal autonomy and less to the well-being of their partner.

[Peaches-n-Cream]

I wouldn't recommend living together if you aren't planning to get married. I've seen those situations end badly.

[Dionysus]

My pastor said that one would go to hell if one shacks up with a girl/boyfriend.

[kappaloo]

Originally posted by BetaRose
That's a skewed result. People who believe divorce is wrong, regardless of circumstances, are also the same people that do not believe in shacking up. I'm sure that if they looked only at people who did not have beliefs against divorce, the numbers would be the same, wheter they lived together or not.

This is extremely true. Studys like these are statistical horrors.


Living together will not increase your chance of divorce.
It will NOT ruin your marriage afterwards.

Why the higher rates? People who live together have more socially liberal views. People who have socially liberal views are more likely to be open to the idea of divorce.

Let's review.
Socially Liberal Views --- more likely to be --- okay with living together.
Socially Liberal Views --- more like to be --- oKay with divorce.

It all depends on the people involved

If it's a good relationship then living together can be a wonderful thing. You'll learn to enjoy each more every day. You will be extremely happy.

If it is not a good relationship .... welll.... you know.

Don't let people scare you with statistics or anecdotes. You know your relationship and only you will know whether living together is right for you. Also, you'll need to talk to your boyfriend. What does living together mean to him? What does it mean to you? What are the expectations involved?

Mr. Kappaloo and I moved in together 1 year and 4 month after knowing/dating eachother. We were not engaged, we are not engaged. We started living together knowing that we would not get engaged during our university career, and that living together did not mean we would get married right away or anytime soon. We had clear expectations about what living together meant for our relationship, and what it would not mean for our relationship.

We also knew that living together would not be all sunshine and bliss and that those would not mean that we didn't love eachother any less. My mother gave me the best advice: "There are time you may not like your signifigant other. That does not mean you don't love him. Loving him is working through those times." We knew that serious issues might arise and we would have to deal with those as they did.

As for divorce, I will not divorce my husband when I marry unless there is absolutely no other choice. But I really don't see this happening for me. Why? I know that relationships take work, and I will work on my relationship everyday to ensure its health. That is one of my most important values... and Mr. Kappaloo shares it.

Wow. I'm sorry guys. This was a bit of a rant. I just hate when people slam living together. It's my lifestyle and it's my choice, and when I see blanket conclusions put on it I do take it personally. (Some of you Christians might understand how this feels). As much as you might not like to admit it... living together can work when the people are right and they work at it.

I do intend on getting married... but food for thought: I have and aunt and an uncle who have been in cohabitating relationships (not to eachother) for over 20 years each. That's better than a LOT of marriages.

Edited because I dropped a lot of 's's

[Honeykiss1974]

Originally posted by Peaches-n-Cream
I wouldn't recommend living together if you aren't planning to get married. I've seen those situations end badly.

I second this. I know everyone will have their "exception story" (whether you're ok with living together or whether you're not ok with it), but I believe that in general, living together is not a good idea.

Maybe you could get a roomate if the economical issues are a concern? Paying half price is better than paying full price for a place that you spend little time at.

[GeekyPenguin]

I shacked up with GPBoy the summer after my freshman year and his first senior year of college for a few months. He was subletting an apartment in the town where I was taking summer classes, which was an hour from my parents' house. I stayed there 3-4 nights a week because it made more sense than staying at my house and spending all that money on gas and wasting time driving back and forth. It worked out really well for us because we knew that we could definitely handle each other, but it was an experience, since it was my first time living anywhere but the dorms or my parents house. I think I would have moved in with him my senior year of college and my parents were planning on it but I wanted to spend this year "on my own" to get acclimated to the city first. It definitely made our relationship stronger.

[kappaloo]

Originally posted by Hootie
There are studies that showed that couples that live together before marriage end up divorced. I saw it this summer on the Today Show. If I can (in my spare time) I will find the information and post it so as to not make people assume what I'm saying is just words.

I applaud those that can live together and make it work. For some it's a true blessing and really strengthens the relationship. However there are some downsides.

Living together often gives young, naive couples the impression that they're "Playing House". That things are hunky doorie and nothing bad can ever happen. Then they reach that pivital point where someone did something wrong, they argue, fight, and then don't have seperate rooms to retreat to (granted you don't have that in marriage, but at least in marriage you have the committment).

I'm not saying, by any means, that this happens in all circumstances. Once again I'm speaking from experience. I had a boyfriend live in my parent's house for a few months and it bugged the hell outta my mom cuz of our naive actions. My brother, who is 19, is now going through the same thing. His girlfriend (who is 18) wants to drop outta school/transfer to be with him in Alabama. It be her and 3 guys (including my brother) in one place. That's just ABSURD! That just screams PROBLEM!

I am a lot older and wiser than when I cohabitated with my then fiancee. And that was only 2 years ago!!!! I lived on my own before we shacked up, I supported myself, I was pretty darn self-sufficient...BUT, knowing NOW what I didn't know then, I'd personally never do it again.

Re: the divorce rates... if you take a look at my post, I do talk about that. Living together doesn't cause divorces - instead they are both caused by more liberal views of marriage and commitment.

I guess we have different views of living together. When I say cohabitation I see a very thought out, planned relationship where the two people move in together with clear expectations and commitments.

I don't agree with shot-gun move-ins because they are just as unlikely to succeed than shot-gun marriages. Why don't we advise people against marriage then? Because we know that every marriage isn't a shot-gun marriage. I'm just asking for the same considerations for cohabitation.

(cohabitation for 34 months and still going strong)

[Eirene_DGP]

Originally posted by roxydiva
hey folks....i mean, can anyone tell im in a fairly new relationship because i ask about when you say "i love you", and now this? haha

heres the new question. for those of you who live/have lived with your significant other...how long were you together before you moved in? my boy always hints/jokes about it...and i never know what to think! i stay there all the time anyway...and he always says "you might as well move your stuff in and start paying rent"
roxydiva

We were dating seriously for 4 months, but knew each other for almost 2 years. I agree with almost everyone else on here, it is a good idea to live together so you can see exactly what you can and cannot put up with. For example, I didn't realize my bf was still attached at the apron string to his mother and family until I saw how much they called each other and interacted. I wouldn't have known that his family shares EVERY aspect of one another's lives if I hadn't of moved in. Some people have some very unusual habits and more than likely they will NOT tell you about them before hand.

[Munchkin03]

So, because gay couples, couples who choose not to get married because they'll lose their deceased spouse's benefits if they marry, and others, because they lack a sheet of paper signed by a Justice of the Peace, have no commitment? Marriage is not the end-all and be-all of human relationships.

I lived w/ Mr Munch for a while. It made our relationship so much stronger, because we saw each other through so many difficulties (personal and family health problems, financial issues, etc). Yes, we had a few arguments that we wouldn't have had if we had chosen not to live together until later, and we know how to handle the other in situations like that. We came into the situation KNOWING that we weren't just "playing house." Since I'm pretty much used to living in the city, we're going to move in together at the end of this school year. We both know that we're going into this with the utmost care and circumspection--a far cry from the "shot-gun" moveins that so many of us are referring to.

Mr. Ginger and I were only dating 4 months when I moved in with him... the decision was made after we'd been dating for two.

Suprising for such a 'conservative' gal, hey?

I'm so glad we made the decision. We're getting married next September and I can't imagine doing so without having lived with him beforehand. I think everyone who has said it's up to the individuals involved is right though.