Relationship Issues and the Like

Ideal08 · #1 07-24-2001, 01:13 PM

Ok, hows about we use this thread to address relationship/family questions and issues. Cool? Kooskie.

Ok, here's the situation...

Let's say you are in a relationship and the person you are with is unmotivated, to say the least. They have no concrete goals or ambitions. But you love this person. You have been feeling as though you're unevenly yoked, though, and have been close to throwing in the towel on the relationship. Now, however, your significant other comes to you and asks you for help. They are ready to get it together, goals, everything. What do you do? Do you help your mate as best your could? Or do you feel like this is something that (s)he needs to do for him(her)self?

How do you handle being in a relationship, loving a person w/i whom you see much potential, but that person is content with life as it stands now?

This is not to say that you are dating a bum, ok, lol, it's just that, is there ever really a time when you should become comfortable with what you have and no longer look to better yourself? Yes!! That is the question!!!

Please, talk amongst yourselves. Discuss!!

kitten03 · #2 07-24-2001, 01:49 PM

You will not believe how many times i have had this sort of discusion with my signif. other. We go up and down constantly about it. the scenario you presented is exactly identical. Since I had been confronted with his attempts at becoming more focused, I have found that he needs my support. Not to do things for him but to ask for advice. A lot of things I have done all my life are very difficult to him because he has no experience with it. All of his decisions have been made for him as of yet by his parents(damn, damn damn!). And he doesn't know what direction to take because he never had to. I have been steadily sticking by him and he has done the same for me. Maybe he and I won't work out but so far we are so good. I'm just happy he has recognized that he needs to straighten up before its too late. I do hope that he makes it though. But I don't doubt that i would be able to call it quits if I don't see improvement

dirtymike1906 · #3 07-24-2001, 04:03 PM

As a modern "Independent" sister of the 21st century, you should dump him immediately, keep all his possessions, drag him thru the nearest court for ridiculous amounts of child support and/or alimony if appropriate, and start dating a white man with more money.

Whatever you do, don't accept him for the person he is.

Ideal08 · #4 07-24-2001, 04:26 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by dirtymike1906:
As a modern "Independent" sister of the 21st century, you should dump him immediately, keep all his possessions, drag him thru the nearest court for ridiculous amounts of child support and/or alimony if appropriate, and start dating a white man with more money.

Whatever you do, don't accept him for the person he is.

I like your style.

BUT

Are you saying that it is OK to become content and basically "settle" for the way life is now? Just because that's "the person he is?" This would mean that there was no such thing as "settling" for someone, right? Instead of "settling," you would simply be accepting the person for who they are. Do I understand correctly?

And these aren't rhetorical questions, I'm serious. This mess is so confusing. God should have written a book called Life, complete with instructions and a glossary. It could be an addendum (sp?) to the Bible.

[This message has been edited by Ideal08 (edited July 24, 2001).]

dog dog bang bang · #5 07-24-2001, 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by dirtymike1906:
As a modern "Independent" sister of the 21st century, you should dump him immediately, keep all his possessions, drag him thru the nearest court for ridiculous amounts of child support and/or alimony if appropriate, and start dating a white man with more money.

Whatever you do, don't accept him for the person he is.

Hey I'm not supporting doodes habit but one thing that has to be understood in the life we all live in under the eyes of GOD, everyone time is not anybody else's. Many people need support. We all need it in some form or fashion. If we did not have support we would not be where we are today. Sister girl, you need to make a decision on what you are going to do because faith is the key and everyone does not exercise their faith enough. People to day would rather have the hear and now and when they mess up they say I wish I hadn't or I should've. If doode is sincere give him a chance until he gives you a reason not to accept his chances. GOD does it for us everyday and he still accepts us. Hang in there but the decision is yours. A person without knowing is a child willing to learn if they are humble.

AKA2D '91 · #6 07-24-2001, 07:51 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by dog dog bang bang:
People to day would rather have the hear and now and when they mess up they say I wish I hadn't or I should've.

Preach the WORD, dogx2 bangx2 ! Preach the WORD!

Say that! Say that!

uh-oh! I done got caught up in the moment. LOL

It's true though!

ClassyLady · #7 07-24-2001, 10:03 PM

In this situation, I think the man definitely needs his girl's support. He needs for her to help guide him in the right direction, give him advice not only as a lover but also as a friend, and to console, comfort and motivate him when things get rough.

I wouldn't even consider walking out. You were unsatisfied with him, and now, when he's trying to become the man that you want him to be, you leave???

I don't get it. This would be the time when he needs you most.

How many times have we all been faced with adversity and wanted to quit rather than persevere? And, how many times would we have quit if we didn't have the support of someone who loves us (mom, sibling, lover)? Finally, how many times have any of us quit because we gave up when it got tough? Would we have done the same if someone had really supported and believed in us during the tough time?

The Original Ape · #8 07-25-2001, 08:36 AM

I agree with classylady. I think the sista oughta offer the brutha guidance. She should solicit his highest interests, and offer advice relative to them. This way, he'll more than likely receive her advice with more determination; and it could be just what they need.

Ideal08 · #9 07-25-2001, 08:40 AM

I agree with ClassyLady as well.

Soror AKA2D, I'm LOL @ you!!!

dirtymike1906 · #10 07-25-2001, 03:13 PM

I agree with dog dog bang bang and ClassyLady: people are so into the here and now and have lost all sense of allegiance and ability to persevere, even when they've been blessed with what they later realize was a wonderful partner--when it's too late. Ironically, these very qualities privileged you to become a member of your prospective organization. Yet, we can often shortchange a significant other in a heartbeat and then show up at the doorstep with puppy eyes and our tails waggin months or years later!

And as far as settling...what exactly provoked YOU to believe YOU were the better person? Or to echo dog dog bang bang, why should God SETTLE for us???

AKA2D '91 · #11 07-25-2001, 04:20 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Ideal08:
I agree with ClassyLady as well.

Soror AKA2D, I'm LOL @ you!!!

ClassyLady is over there ministering as well.

Go on, girl!

You get an AMEN, too!

tammy- · #12 07-25-2001, 04:34 PM

I think it is great that you want to stick by your man! Just remember the differenc between supporting someone and carrying DEAD WEIGHT! I have been caught with totally dead weight by someone who wanted to turn around their life and start making the right decisions who also said that they needed my support. (I am not saying your BEAU is anything like my EXXXXX-) A lot of times people think that they can change someone or help them see the light. NOT THE CASE!

I personally have decided that I can not and will NOT date anyone who does not have their *hit together.. I mean planned out goals and the like!

How old is your boyfriend Kitten03 if you do not mind my asking.....................

Ideal08 · #13 07-25-2001, 04:50 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by tammy-:
I think it is great that you want to stick by your man! Just remember the differenc between supporting someone and carrying DEAD WEIGHT! I have been caught with totally dead weight by someone who wanted to turn around their life and start making the right decisions who also said that they needed my support. A lot of times people think that they can change someone or help them see the light. NOT THE CASE!

I personally have decided that I can not and will NOT date anyone who does not have their *hit together.. I mean planned out goals and the like!

Thank you, Tammy!!! This is what I was trying to get at, but I couldn't figure out how to word it! Dead weight!!

At what point does the person become dead weight?

Let me put some new info in here for you. The relationship has been on and off for 8 years. This isn't the first time that this issue has come up. And there is a child involved.

Um, BTW, THIS IS NOT ABOUT ME!!!!! LOL, I felt like I had to put that out there.

But, SKEEriously, it is for a friend. So keep the responses coming!!

Talk amongst yourselves, Discuss!

Rain Man · #14 07-25-2001, 05:00 PM

As some of you may already know, me and my "boo" ended our courtship. Among other reasons, one of which was her accusation of me being "too spiritual", was that I was not working when we were together and that I should not have quit my job to seek a career as a financial planner. NOW GET THIS...

My lack of work had NO impact on my cash flow when we were together, I prayed and fasted during the 120 day unemployment period, and sho 'nuff this week I got a job offer at a CPA firm as an accountant AND a financial planner.

OTOH, this time period strengthened my relationship with God, and taught me a major lesson in faith, and I predict will teach me a lesson in humility. If what I went through by her standards was "too spiritual" well I guess we sure weren't meant to be. BTW, I was kinda glad that we broke up anyway.

So, could I be faulted for doing what I did, or was I just a lazy bum trying to freeload off my ex-boo? You decide.

RM

pointNclick · #15 07-25-2001, 06:03 PM

Lawd,

I feel like your scenario speaks to my current relationship to the fullest, with some variations. To answer the question, yes I would help my mate because my love for him would allow me to do so.

As for how would I handle being in a "compliant and complacent" realtionship, I HAVE handled it by removing the exclusive aspects of our relationship and start dating other people. This has worked well for me, but not well for him. But like I always say, you will do what you have to do to get "you". Feel me? He still gets his props (time, energy, my ear, and my heart), but I don't corner it all off for him anymore. I can simply get the things I missing from other folks. May sound crazy, but it works for me.

As for staying put and keeping what you have, there are advantages to that. But when the inner voice is CONSTANTLY telling you that you can experience more, do more, feel more... then staying with what you have can be unhealthy. You will never be happy and honestly, neither will your mate.

As always IMHO