My boss's husband is abusive...

[Honeykiss1974]

Let me get you guys input on this matter.

At work, my co-workers and I believe that our boss (who is the "Top Dog", so to speak) is being verbally and physically abused by her husband. She has come to work with bruises on her face (albeit covered up with make-up). Nothing really noticable unless you are talking to her face to face. She also missed worked a few times, claiming that she hurt her arm (falling, working in the garden, etc.). Just last week, she said that she hurt her wrist while using a jackhammer claiming that she was helping her husband with some project.

When she first came, we all had jokes about her husband, because he is a total rag-a-muffin that reeks of the smell of alcohol (mind you this was during the day). We couldn't figure out what she sees in him. He wears a slick backed canary yello mullet and carries a guitar. (This fool once busted into a meeting in order to serenade her with his guitar). But now, this mess is not funny at all!

Anyway, as stated earlier, she is our Controller, so the only person that we could tell would be the VP of Finance, who is her buddy(and a complete @$$hole) and the person that brought her here in the first place.

So in short, what would you do?

[TonyB06]

This is tough.

You said several of your co-workers suspect this. Whomever of you (in the office) thinks you have the best relationship with this woman, needs to pull her aside ASAP and suggest 1. she get immediately away from the abuse (physically); and 2. encourage her to report it.

Do you think she's mentally/emotionally ready to be helped? is she ready to rescue herself and perhaps just needs the reassurance of a concerned friend/co-worker or will she deny, deny, deny?

Whomever talks to her should probably not let her know that several of you in the office all suspect abuse; why put that kind of pressure on someone who'se probably under big stress anyway?

I hope this lady gets help real quick.

[Gyrl7]

I would try to find a way to have her tell me herself without me even coming out and asking. I personally think the VERY LAST thing one should do is let her know that you all feel she is being abused. All she will do is deny it and tell all of you to mind your business and be pissed off at everyone.

The fact that her fool serenaded her in a place of business, is not only crazy, but more and likely his way of checking up on her to find out if she was actually telling him the truth on her where abouts... he may have tried to call her at her desk and if she is always in a meeting he had to find out for sure some how. Also it could have been guilt from slapping her up the night before or before she left for work that morning.

Verbal abuse is just as bad, he will make you feel lower than low. And not matter how smart, pretty, education you have he will find a way to make you feel like you have done nothing but waste your time. She knows what's going on and why she wont leave, because she is probably at the point where she doesn't think she can do any better than him. He's been feeding her negative garbage for so long she finds it now to be true.

The only thing you can all do is PRAY FOR HER! However, if you talk to her please do not tell her you suspect abuse until you are able to find a way to work it in without her rolling over into defensive mode.

[Questions404]

Stay out of it. You can and will get fired, FIRED, FIRED!!

[nachural]

How sure are you about this? And how close are you to her? If you are not sure and not close all you can do is take it to the lord.

But if you are sure, she still might not be ready to admit it. If you know about any meetings for abusive women send an anonymous
email to the entire office, she might jump on it. Or put up a flyer. She cant be helped until she wants to. Obviously she isnt ready.

Good luck good sista

[Eclipse]

Similar thing happened at my office last year, except the person was a co-worker not my boss. She met this guy in a bar and with in about 3 weeks he had moved in with her and he was driving her to work in her car. Soon, she was calling it at 9:30 (she was supposed to be there at 7:30) saying her power went off and she just got up, only to show up at noon or not show up at all. She never had bruises on her face, but they were always on her arm and she lost an incredible amount of weight in a very short period of time. We suspected that drugs were involved as well.

I approached her privately once and said "I've noticed (all of the "accidents")and wanted to see if everything was o.k because I was concerned." I didn't say that many of us had discussed the situation. She never admitted anything, but I just felt better knowing I gave her an opening. Bottom line, she has to WANT to do something different for things to be different. Sadly, my coworker didn't and she ended up getting fired after being given numerous chances. Last I heard she had lost her car, gotten kicked out of her apartment and moved back in with her parents (with him in tow).

I don't knwo what you should do, but I wouldn't go to the VP. I also wouldn't cover up for her or try to help her out in extra ways because of her situation. That will only enable her and sometimes folks have to hit rock bottom before they get a wake up call.

Funny thing, your "guy" sounds like the guy of my coworker, except he would come and read cheesy poetry to her with misspelled words.

[blueberi1920]

Dang this is tough because she's your superior, but if you and a number of people have noticed it, it's probably been going on longer than anyone thinks. It is hard to just sit by and watch it happen because you know if anything fatal happened you wouldn't feel at rest, however if you do say something you might get reprimanded or lose your job. I would gather some pamphlets on domestic violence and leave them in her inbox. I think that gives you anonymity but might also let her know that people notice. Good luck

[Peaches-n-Cream]

Perhaps it is time for an intervention of her co-workers and friends. If she is in an abusive relationship, she might be looking for a way out.

I like blueberi's idea of leaving pamphlets on domestic violence for her.

[Honeykiss1974]

Thanks guys.

I workwith her closely, and I have noticed bruises on her face (over her eyebrow and across the bridge of her nose). She tries to cover them up either with make-up or her hair. I just started working closely with her for the last month. Before that, she was still my boss, I just never had any contact with her (face-to-face) so I never noticed.

Her husband is a total basket case and because our office is in an open environment with a lot of people coming in and out (I work in a hospital) I'm afraid of one day this fool could coming up here in a rage shooting

Every year our department sponsors a community organization and donates money, clothing, or volunteer time. Maybe this year, I can get us to sponsor a women's crisis center or something similiar. Hopefully, by working with a women's abuse shelter/center, it will open her eyes and give her the strength to do something.

She is definitely on my prayer list.

[Imperial11]

Originally posted by Honeykiss1974
Let me get you guys input on this matter.


the only person that we could tell would be the VP of Finance, who is her buddy(and a complete @$$hole) and the person that brought her here in the first place.

So in short, what would you do?

I wouldn't get involved one way or the other. I mean, she's a grown woman and she knows if she's being abused and she also knows how to get help if that's what she wants. I know that may be easier said than done, but she has got to do what she feels is right and in her own time. So until he starts showing up at the job site acting a fool or she starts taking out her frustrations on you guys, there's no need for you or your coworkers to tell anybody anything.

[Eclipse]

Another thing....If you have an EAP (Employee Assistance PRogram) which is usually run by an outside company, I would suggest you give them a call. They might have some additional insight that we are missing. Of course it goes with out saying to pray!!

[UpPinkies]

I would open up the door for her and ask her if everything is ok. You know go up to her and talk to her for awhile and point out a bruise and then ask if everything is ok.

You can also send her brochures about abuse and who she can contact.

[AKA_Monet]

I took a domestic violence class that discussed how one would get herself into such a situation...

The worst she can do is ignore it only for the lunatic to come in with a two barrel shotgun and shoot up the place including you in it.

What the professionals suggest is to ask her in an extremely private manner--like take her out for some coffee--something and tell her that if she needs to get anything off her chest, that you will always have an open door and will be there for her, privately--with the utmosts discretion...

If she confesses to you of the reality of the situation, you MUST give her a series of numbers she can call with the utmost of privacy--even allow her to use YOUR cell phone to have a getaway card as fast as she can...

To back yourself up, make sure that once she has made the decision to seek professional help, that you call whoever is in security that her husband is a nuisance and a detriment to the office space ethic. Paper trail that chit out because if the lunatic does show up psychotic, then you all have a course of action...

But what she needs to understand is that she has a safety net. Most abused women truly feel they are not safe anywhere and they would rather take the abuse than to put their children, parents, loved ones and collegues in harms way. She hasn't a clue what her husband would do if he could not find her... So if that means that she withstands physical abuse so that she can protect others--then so be it...

What she needs to understand is that there are several professional persons that CAN protect her with complete discretion and anomynity... Then the law can come in and do what they got to do... But she must take the first step...

Also, the way I understand it, that the sexual harrassment laws protect workers that are whistle blowers to any thought domestic violence... Moreover, it has to be the case when if a teacher or school administrator suspects that a child abuse, that it is manditory that they report that child and the family to child social services--at least in California it is... And it is a crime not to do that... So why wouldn't it be the same when one suspects domestic violence--especially physical abuse???

[LawyerGal]

WoW That's scary! Does your jb have a Social Worker? They may be a good resource as well!

[evaclear04]

Speak with her in private. Explain your concern and leave it at that. If she is ready...she will be glad that someone showed some concern and take any advice given. If she is not... your concern will linger with her and eventually prompt her to get help.