How do you deal with a brother/sister you do not get along with?

annice22 · #1 01-31-2003, 09:27 PM

Hi

I was wondering if there is a brother/sister in your organization that you do not get along with, how do you deal with the situation?
There is a sister in my sorority that I do not get along with because she is extremely bossy, condesending(sp), rude, immature, annoying, etc. She stresses me out and I'm one of those type of people who can not tell other how they feel and I made the mistake of not telling her this last semester. My goals this year is to rid my life of so-called friends and wishy washy friends. She has done so many things to me which are to personal to put on this board (because they will just bring embarrasement to me). She continues to call me and bother me, so after the last straw of going out last night to the bar and being bothered all night by her. I decided to send her an e-mail but after realizing that she doesn't read her e-mail, I decided to write her a letter and will give it to her at our meeting sunday. The letter basically says that I do not want to hang out with her outside of sorority related functions or events anymore.

Annice

James · #2 01-31-2003, 09:32 PM

Don't write a letter.

Not only is it . . . well . . . odd.

But it can be shown to everyone else, with her editorial. This will not reflect well on you because they are not you and don't know how she tortures you by her very existance.

Now. Writing down the things that bother you about her and then putting them away for two days is a great idea. Then after a couple days, you reread them and see if they still make sense.

In the meantime you boycott her to give yourself breathing space.

Then come back and tell us whether you are still mad.

The answer is obvious: If she is doing something that is destructive to you, confront her. If she just treats you badly, you confront her, and drop her.

justamom · #3 02-01-2003, 11:05 AM

James is right-NEVER PUT ANYTHING IN WRITING!!!

I honestly have a hard time understanding WHY a person can't just say-"I made other plans." Where is the need to explain ANYthing? Just because you are in the same sorority doesn't mean you have to do things together or even LIKE one aother for that matter. All it means is-you support her when she needs help and you never degrade her in public. If you have problems with her as an individual, don't associate with her outside of functions.
It's no biggie and doesn't need the drama of a confrontation. Maybe you want to smack her??? Just walk away and retain the respect of your OTHER sisters.

HotDamnImAPhiMu · #4 02-01-2003, 11:06 AM

Don't write her a letter.

The only thing more childish would be, well, writing her an e-mail.

Part of sorority life is learning to deal with people as you would in the real world.

You say your goal is to "rid your life of so-called friends." Um, why is this a process? That's like saying your goal this year is to break up with your boyfriend. Just..... stop hanging out with the girls you don't want to hang out with. THIS IS NOT DIFFICULT!

Seriously, though -- just stop hanging out with her. She'll get the picture. Giving her a letter with every little thing she's ever done outlined in it will a) make MORE problems, and b) make you look petty and small.

Write the letter if it makes you feel better, then burn it.

James · #5 02-01-2003, 12:09 PM

Good therapy by the way. Writing letters to people, living/dead/unavailable it can be healing

. As long as you don't send them! Or let anyone read them. Although, the postage to hell could b expensive anyway lol

.

Quote:

Originally posted by HotDamnImAPhiMu
Don't write her a letter.

The only thing more childish would be, well, writing her an e-mail.

Part of sorority life is learning to deal with people as you would in the real world.

You say your goal is to "rid your life of so-called friends." Um, why is this a process? That's like saying your goal this year is to break up with your boyfriend. Just..... stop hanging out with the girls you don't want to hang out with. THIS IS NOT DIFFICULT!

Seriously, though -- just stop hanging out with her. She'll get the picture. Giving her a letter with every little thing she's ever done outlined in it will a) make MORE problems, and b) make you look petty and small.

Write the letter if it makes you feel better, then burn it.

Peaches-n-Cream · #6 02-01-2003, 09:56 PM

I agree with everyone. Don't send the letter. Don't even tell her how you feel about her. It is none of her business and can cause more hurt feelings. If she does something else offense, tell her at the time, "When you do ____, I feel ____." Don't drag up actions from the past. There's nothing that she can do to undo the past.

You don't need to announce your plans to her, just act. If you don't wsnt to have contact with her outside of sorority events, simply don't.

annice22 · #7 02-02-2003, 06:26 AM

I'm going to have do something. She called me three times in a row last night. The third time I just didn't pick up the phone. I can't take it anymore. Majority of the girls in the sorority can not stand her. She is so annoying. I have to do something to stop her from calling me unless it is sorority related.

I did that whole I busy thing when she called, but that seemed to make her call more. She's stressing me out. Majority of my sister's that I talked to said that I should do something soon before she drive me anymore crazy than she's always doing.

The reason why I want to write the letter, is if I talk to her face to face I am likely to tell her how I feel in a not so nice manner. And I figure the letter would be a nicer way of saying "leave me alone".

I'll let you know what I decided to do.

Annice

Kevin · #8 02-02-2003, 10:57 AM

Go check out some books on effective confrontation strategies. This really sounds like something that could be better talked out. You may wish for a mediator to be present. From your account it sounds like behavior that could be corrected if she were willing to put in the effort. You never know until you try... If not, what's the worst that could happen?

Dionysus · #9 02-02-2003, 11:10 AM

I agree. I think an appropiate confrontation (IN PERSON, not in writing) is necessary in this case. She is annoying most of the sisters and she's NOT picking up any hints (judging from your posts). The behavior will only continue if you all leave her in the dark about how you all feel about her.

phisigduchesscv · #10 02-02-2003, 12:22 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by annice22
I'm going to have do something. She called me three times in a row last night. The third time I just didn't pick up the phone. I can't take it anymore. Majority of the girls in the sorority can not stand her. She is so annoying. I have to do something to stop her from calling me unless it is sorority related.

I did that whole I busy thing when she called, but that seemed to make her call more. She's stressing me out. Majority of my sister's that I talked to said that I should do something soon before she drive me anymore crazy than she's always doing.

The reason why I want to write the letter, is if I talk to her face to face I am likely to tell her how I feel in a not so nice manner. And I figure the letter would be a nicer way of saying "leave me alone".

I'll let you know what I decided to do.

Annice

Annice,

Instead of a letter why not ask your MAL to set up a time for all three of you to meet and have her act as a mediator between you two. It will allow you to be able to talk to this sister but you'll have the MAL there to help keep things on an even keel. If you don't think you're MAL would be a good mediator you can always ask your Archon or Chapter Key Advisor to be the mediator in a meeting between you and the sister.

Carolyn

James · #11 02-02-2003, 05:18 PM

Now that I ave read this post over again I have a different take.

No one can drive you crazy. You seem to take very little responsibility for your own emotions.

She's not even being mean to you. You just feel out of control.

And your first response is to send an email or letter? Thats not very . .. err grown up. You might as well have your friend talk to her between study Halls.

Try this. I don't want to do that. IF she doesn't take that for an answer, you say, I am not going to do that. If she persists, you ask her which part of that sentence she didn't understand.

If that doesn't end it the problem probably isn't anywhere near her, its you. You own lack of ability to determine your own affairs when put under pressure by someone else.

What will you do if you have a demanding boss? Or Bosses? OR co-workers, or other friends . . .

Its not as much a question as standing up for yourself, its a matter of being a strong enough self that people won't seek to take advantage.

People smell weakness. ITs like blood in the water. And so they feed. Stop being a bleeding heart and they will stop biting at you.

Also, if you can only go from total non-confrontation to completely ballistic, you might want to consider what that means about your coping skills.

Quote:

Originally posted by annice22
I'm going to have do something. She called me three times in a row last night. The third time I just didn't pick up the phone. I can't take it anymore. Majority of the girls in the sorority can not stand her. She is so annoying. I have to do something to stop her from calling me unless it is sorority related.

I did that whole I busy thing when she called, but that seemed to make her call more. She's stressing me out. Majority of my sister's that I talked to said that I should do something soon before she drive me anymore crazy than she's always doing.

The reason why I want to write the letter, is if I talk to her face to face I am likely to tell her how I feel in a not so nice manner. And I figure the letter would be a nicer way of saying "leave me alone".

I'll let you know what I decided to do.

Annice

annice22 · #12 02-02-2003, 11:47 PM

James to your quote "She's not even being mean to you" You have no idea how much she has done to me this semester and last semester to last a life time.

I will give you one example of how crazy this girl is Last semester I decided to go to the bar with her and another sister. I decided to leave the bar to go and go to the after party at a fraternity house that maybe 2 blocks from the bar. Well, they decided to go over there yelling and scream at me that I have to leave. At the time I was the only active sister in the house. They were not even aloud to go over to that house without an active. And for them to disrespect me and cause everyone in that house at the time to think that they were crazy. Both of them were going crazy, I'm not going to let to non-initiated sisters tell me an active what to do. My sorority now has the name "psycho sorority" because of them. The guy I was seeing at the time decided that we needed a break because my "crazy sister" broke into his house and his room to tell him he had to leave his own room. She has never even appologized to me for that incident.

This girls is rude, bossy, annoying, and an overall pain in the butt. I did the best thing for me. Everyone one has different ways of dealing with things and this was the best for me. Now I do not have to worry about her calling me and bothering me ever again. This was not out of hatred, I needed a break from her and she just did not get the fact that I personally told her face to face last semester that I needed a break from her.

To make matters even worse, she in now banned from one fraternity house they do not want to see her at their house ever again. Alot of the people that she has met basically have done the same thing that I have done. I'm not the only sister to have recently told her to please give them space.

The reason why I wanted to give her a letter or send her an e-mail is because if you try to talk to her, she zones out on what you are trying to say because it is not as interesting as what she's talking about.

So, I gave her the letter. She seems to have understood it. The content of the letter was not mean just that I needed her to understand how I felt because she didn't hear it before.

But thank you all for you comments and advice.
Annice22