Forsaking All Others!

NUPE4LIFE · #1 12-22-2002, 12:46 PM

Hey y'all what's up? I've been thinking a lot about the part of the marriage vow that talks about forsaking all others. For all of you out there, do you really know what this means? I have a cousin who's wife,, since day one, has been nothing but trouble. They have a sadistic cycle of her infidelties, and several seperations. They recently separated, and this time he said that he had had enough. Well once again, they are back together. Now I'm from the south and I have a lot of Hens in my family. They are fed up with his wife to the point that she no longer accompanies him to family function. Now I fee like they do, but I also feel like their problems are between them and God, who supposedly ordained this marriage. I'm wondering, why they can't see it that way. I know they mean well, but II think that they are borderline, straight out interfering. So that brings me to the topic, do we as in-laws, family and friends really understand that our role is to be a sympathetic ear but not to get involved to the point where it threatens the union, even if we feel it's in our loved ones best interest. I know sometimes it's hard, and it seems as if women have a harder time with this than men do. You married folks out there, ever experience. I see marriage in my near future. How do you handle this?

RedefinedDiva · #2 12-22-2002, 03:08 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by NUPE4LIFE
So that brings me to the topic, do we as in-laws, family and friends really understand that our role is to be a sympathetic ear but not to get involved to the point where it threatens the union, even if we feel it's in our loved ones best interest.

In-laws, family, and friends threatening the union? PLEASE!! You started out telling us that there is a "sadistic cycle of HER infidelities." Isn't SHE the one threatening the union?

I don't believe in interfering in other people's business, but as humans and loved ones, we find it only natural to offer input. No one wants to sit around and see their friends, family, etc. messed over by ANYONE. If their problems are between them and God, no one (except God and a beloved clergymember that they could confide in) should even know their problems. Evidentally, s/he told someone about them. Just like it is human nature to discuss their problems, it likewise that we offer "advice," no matter how good or bad it is.

AKA_Monet · #3 12-22-2002, 06:50 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by NUPE4LIFE
Hey y'all what's up? I've been thinking a lot about the part of the marriage vow that talks about forsaking all others. For all of you out there, do you really know what this means? I have a cousin who's wife,, since day one, has been nothing but trouble. They have a sadistic cycle of her infidelties, and several seperations. They recently separated, and this time he said that he had had enough. Well once again, they are back together. Now I'm from the south and I have a lot of Hens in my family. They are fed up with his wife to the point that she no longer accompanies him to family function. Now I fee like they do, but I also feel like their problems are between them and God, who supposedly ordained this marriage. I'm wondering, why they can't see it that way. I know they mean well, but II think that they are borderline, straight out interfering. So that brings me to the topic, do we as in-laws, family and friends really understand that our role is to be a sympathetic ear but not to get involved to the point where it threatens the union, even if we feel it's in our loved ones best interest. I know sometimes it's hard, and it seems as if women have a harder time with this than men do. You married folks out there, ever experience. I see marriage in my near future. How do you handle this?

The entire book of Hosea in the old testament should answer some of your questions.

Look it is better to stay outta of "grown folks" bin-nuss. It ain't nunna y'alls bin-nuss to be up in they's bedroom wonderin'.

If you all are ty-ride of seeing these grown folks act a fool, then when one of dem come round bitchin' and moanin' and groanin', then y'all needs to be about the truth: Ifin' it was me, I'da say, "I luv ya and you's my cousin, but son, I don't mind ya ventin', but I ain't psychosocial services, and I cain't prescribe y'all some Paxil, so I don wanna here 'bout ya' latest problem unless you have found a way to see a therapist"... 'Cuz really, why they comin' to y'all to be up in the bin-ness anty-waay? It's like some dayum kids sayin' "Mommie, he touched me... Will you stop touchin' meee!!! Mommie!!!!"

And on a skerrriousss note, always respond in love. Just like Ilyanla Vanzant says in her book "In the Meantime", some folks just live as basement dwellers... Are you going to let these folks take you down when you may have already been, cleaned up your act and have moved onto the second floor? For real though?

My brother barely speaks to my folks and me ever since he has been married. My folks are utterly hurt and I have moved out of the state in which everyone lives. Do you think for one minute that I will speak to him about not looking out for my folks who are in their 60s? No, because the Bible says, "a man must leave his family and cleave unto his wife--foresaking all others..."

Just for your own health, ask yourself, why do you even care if your cousin has yet to understand the concept of family? At least he is trying to be a "family". Are you being about "family"? Do not tell me that answer, tell your family... Are really going to gain any benefits to basically remove this woman--like Hosea's wife--from your cousin's life when this is his responsiblity overall...

And even if they got married in a church, just because it was in a building and they said vows with God in it does not mean it was "ordained" by God. The Devil can be in the church too, just ask some Catholic priests... And if the vows are not meant and written in your heart, then saying them is just being a babbling fool... And if the vows do not predict your future, then all plans made will fail. And if the vows do not expand one's mind, then they will just fade away... Because "tongues shall cease, prophecies shall fail and knowledge shall just fade away... But of these 3 builds all vows and relationships: faith, hope and love... The greatest of these is love..." 1 Cor 13th chapter...

That's my peace... Stay blessed... And the real reason for the season is Christ...

Special1920 · #4 12-23-2002, 06:23 AM

MIND your business, even if they start confiding in you.

Serenity · #5 12-23-2002, 10:07 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Special1920
MIND your business, even if they start confiding in you.

I agree. I had to learn this the hard way. Just because people put their business out on the street doesn't mean it has to be rifled through and commented on. Nine times out of ten the couple gets back together anyway and there's hurt feelings all around and maybe even a huge rift in the family.

It's hard though. Especially when it's a sibling or another close relative. But choosing sides, offering words of advice/wisdom and/or gossipping about the couple's situation (which my family tends to do

) only makes things worse. It's better to let the couple work on their marriage on their own and possibly seek outside help by going to a couselor, pastor, priest, etc.

This is exactly why I keep my business my business. Once you involve family in your personal business they don't want to keep out of your personal business. They want updates, minute-by-minute play back, dramatizations...

RedefinedDiva · #6 12-23-2002, 12:21 PM

I say that everyone SHOULD mind their own business, but how realistic is that? Of course we all say that we don't but in on other people's lives, but how many of us really do? I know that I can't find it hard to resist sometimes, and I am not ashamed to admit it. However, it's only on an ask and tell basis. If my friend asks, I tell her/him straight up. But if they don't ask, I don't tell. Sometimes, people don't want you to tell them anything because they already know what's wrong. It just hurts more when outsiders see it too.

Bottom line, keep your business to yourself and hakuna matata.

straightBOS · #7 12-24-2002, 10:05 AM

I think that the "Hens" are doing the best thing by asking the wife not to come to the family events. Its hard to keep your mouth shut when you feel there is some real BS going on, and for the happiness and well-being of everyone else at the gathering maybe she should stay home. Besides, she already has a full schedule of activites as it is.

If a man wants to stay married then let him do his thing, but he should not burden his family with his troubles if he chooses to stay with the woman. You family is not obligated to like or even associate with your wife or husband. He should suck it up, stay with her if he pleases, but not expect his family to agree with or accept it.

Those are the decisions grown folks have to make.

Discogoddess · #8 12-26-2002, 11:49 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by straightBOS
...You family is not obligated to like or even associate with your wife or husband. He should suck it up, stay with her if he pleases, but not expect his family to agree with or accept it...

I disagree with some of this statement. No, your family is not required to like your spouse, but they should at least make an effort to be civil and please to him/her. Your family has no right to freeze your spouse out of family events, unless of course they are trying to alienate you in the process.

My belief is: if my family doesn't make my spouse welcome, then I'm not welcome either. I don't believe in spouses attending a majority or all family events by themselves. Doing so presents a divided front to your relatives, and that's an easy way to:

Stay tied to mama/daddy's apron strings
Invite the family all up in your business, under the guise of giving you "tea and sympathy"
Vindicate your position in the marriage by letting you tell your side and your side only (do ya wanna be "right", or do ya wanna be married?)
Let your family know that your allegiance is to them, not your life partner.

My husband and I subscribe to this philosophy (taught in an 8-week pre-marital course required by our church): a marriage is a triangular relationship with the husband, wife and God (and the top), and relatives, friends, coworkers and associates form a circle outside of and not touching that triangle. Yes, we love our relatives and friends, and yes, we may have a history of confiding in them all of our troubles. However, people are human, have long memories, and inevitably, take sides. Since our famililes/friends are interested parties, they may not offer impartial advice. When you need a human being to talk to about the serious issues of marriage, turn to your what your pastor/spiritual advisor/therapist, who is trained to help you seek resolution. Rather than resolution, family and friends can keep a lot of mess going, sometimes.

HolyGhost7 · #9 12-26-2002, 01:03 PM

I agree with everyone else. I think while its okay to confide in those you love, I think the person on the receiving in needs to remain as objective as possible. It is not our place to judge, and it is definately wrong to make her feel unwelcomed at family functions regardless of the kind of dirt she does. Family is family, since when have we been able to pick them.

As far as the union goes, what God has but together no man can take asunder. Therefore, if it was God who put them together (and not themselves) then no one can tear them apart..not even themselves. Even though she cheats, the Bible speaks of a man whom God told to marry a prostitute...and it was with purpose (check out the story).

Thats just my $19.22!!!