Dating a guy who still lives at home. Advice

Gretchen W · #1 03-12-2011, 01:40 AM

I started a thread a few years ago about my bf who is now my ex. Since then, I didn't really date as much until I met a guy who I really like about a year ago. We've been dating for the past 7 months, and I really like him. He's not perfect, but none of us are, but what sticks out to me is that he's 28 (he'll be 29 in two months) and he still lives at home with his parents. He also has a job that pays well enough for him to have his own place. I asked him about getting his own place and he doesn't seem motivated to. He'll tell me that he's saving money etc. I understand it's hard to be on your own sometimes, but whenever I'm over his place, we have no privacy, so we spend most of our time at my place. I live on my own, and it kind of bothers me that he doesn't. He's a great guy, but I struggle with how he's living off of his mom and dad. Does anyone else think that's a little old to be living at home? I'm just having mixed feelings. Your thoughts on this would be really helpful.

Thanks
Gretchen

victoriana · #2 03-12-2011, 01:51 AM

My main concern with that would be that he doesn't know how to be independent. If he's lived at home his whole life, he may not know how to break away from his parents and be his own man. The privacy thing would also be really annoying. I don't know if this applies to your man, but that was my first thought.

I don't know if it's "okay" that he's living at home... it depends on the situation. If he had problems paying for graduate or medical school, or got into some big debt, and moved home temporarily for financial reasons, that can be acceptable.

If you really like this guy, I would say try not to give him a hard time. He's probably trying to make the best of a bad situation. I know if I was living at home with my parents at 28, I wouldn't be too happy about it. Hopefully he will get so sick of the privacy issue that it will become a motivator for him to move out on his own. If not, hopefully he'll take your feelings into consideration. Make it sound like you really would support a decision to move out. Set out some of the benefits he could reap by doing so. If he's as frustrated as I suspect he might be, this could be the final straw to convince him. If he's content to stay where he is, don't push the issue because you could end up pushing him away. He could think that you're trying to force him into doing things he's not ready to do.

sanjiyan69 · #3 03-12-2011, 02:01 AM

Is he Asian?

Gretchen W · #4 03-12-2011, 02:09 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by victoriana

My main concern with that would be that he doesn't know how to be independent. If he's lived at home his whole life, he may not know how to break away from his parents and be his own man. The privacy thing would also be really annoying. I don't know if this applies to your man, but that was my first thought.

I don't know if it's "okay" that he's living at home... it depends on the situation. If he had problems paying for graduate or medical school, or got into some big debt, and moved home temporarily for financial reasons, that can be acceptable.

If you really like this guy, I would say try not to give him a hard time. He's probably trying to make the best of a bad situation. I know if I was living at home with my parents at 28, I wouldn't be too happy about it. Hopefully he will get so sick of the privacy issue that it will become a motivator for him to move out on his own. If not, hopefully he'll take your feelings into consideration. Make it sound like you really would support a decision to move out. Set out some of the benefits he could reap by doing so. If he's as frustrated as I suspect he might be, this could be the final straw to convince him. If he's content to stay where he is, don't push the issue because you could end up pushing him away. He could think that you're trying to force him into doing things he's not ready to do.

He's been out of school since he was 23, and yes he's got student loans to pay, but I do too, and I live on my own. It frustrates him when I don't want to come over because of his parents. He did have his own place for a few years but he moved back in with his parents because he wanted to save more money for a better place, and he wants to go to grad school eventually. Sometimes I think he puts its off a lot. That bothers me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by sanjiyan69

Is he Asian?

No, why?

sanjiyan69 · #5 03-12-2011, 03:34 AM

The reason I asked is that in traditional Asian family, they live with parents even after college.

All jokes aside, it all depends on the situtaion. I think Victoriana pretty much explained what I'd say.

Eightisgreat · #6 03-12-2011, 08:55 AM

It bothers you for a reason. Ladies, your gut reaction is your friend. Listen. It is telling you something. It may not be just that he lives at home. It can be a multitude of factors that manifest itself in the "living at home issue." Filter out what you think is at the core of the issue. Is it that he isn't "man-enough?", is it that he sides with his parents over you and uses "I live at home, need to keep the peace" excuse...etc. Figure out exactly what it is and decide if YOU can deal with it.

AZTheta · #7 03-12-2011, 09:13 AM

^^^co-sign. Dead on.

And, I would like to add, true not just for ladies, but for men as well.

ThetaPrincess24 · #8 03-12-2011, 11:06 AM

I think it is becoming more common, for whatever reason, for more and more for people to still stay at home. Part of it could be, parents are doing so much for their kids that when the child does try to strike out on their own, they end up striking out because they havent learned to do anything for themselves, so they end up back at home. If parents arent forcing the child to pay rent, be responsible for their own meals/groceries, do their laundry, etc., what incentive does the child have to leave?

There are two couples on our cul de sac that annoy the crap out of my husband and I over this issue.

Couple 1 (next door neighbors): This couple is in their 60's. Close to retirement but not quite there yet. Until recently their youngest son, who is 37 JUST moved out. He worked at the Kroger across the street as a store manager and was living in their basement. We never saw any friends he had over, any girls, or guys for that matter. A few months ago he took a job with Kroger in Cincinatti and he moved up there. But guess what? Son is back at his parents EVERY weekend! This is the oldest son of two, the youngest son has been out of the house since he went to college and comes to visit now and then.

Couple 2 (two houses down, next door to next door neighbors): Have a son about my age (just over 30) living in the basement. He has flunked out of several universities, including the local community college. This guy seemingly has friends come in and out, but guess what he does for a living? He delivers pizzas and his parents pay all of his bills.

While it isnt our business, these situations have always been bothersome for my husband and I, who have not lived with our parents since going off to college.

For me personally, I couldnt live with either parent or my in laws for longer than a few days unless there was a major disaster--house burned down, house blew away in a tornado, etc. It would be hard for me to date someone my age or older who was living with parents unless it was an extreme circumstance with the intent of getting their own place soon.

angels&angles · #9 03-12-2011, 11:30 AM

A lot of my friends right now are living with their parents, but it's because we all graduated into a crap economy and can't afford to live on our own. I know it really bothers all of my friends, and they're working their asses off to try and find something to support them on their own. I would definitely have a problem with anyone who was fine with living with their parents. Even though I love my parents to death and am at their house all the time, I could not WAIT to get my own place (had to live at home for a few months after grad while looking for a job/apartment). I think it's a sign of immaturity to be willing to live off your parents. (Of course this is not intended for those cultures where it is traditional for a child to live at home. I have an Indian friend who really struggles with her desire to move out of her parents house. She feels she will have to move across the country to get her parents' approval.)

Thought: How likely is it that, if you and this guy get married, you're going to have to take care of him? He's going to stop living off his parents and start living off of you if you let him.

DSTRen13 · #10 03-12-2011, 11:36 AM

I had to live with my parents for awhile due to a medical issue. My sister lives with my parents due to a lack of money. You know better than we do his motivations and exact situation.

AGDee · #11 03-12-2011, 11:45 AM

My ex-husband lived at home until we got married. He was an employed accountant working on his MBA part time. He had lived with friends for a couple months at one point, but moved right back home. He was not held responsible for anything financially except his car. The problems this ended up causing in our marriage are pretty much the problems that led to our divorce. Here's the list:
1. He was incredibly selfish because he'd been catered to for so long. He came home from work and dinner was ready. He got up in the morning, showered and breakfast was waiting for him.
2. He was resentful that we had to live on a budget because he was used to spending money on anything he wanted and still saving a ton of money. Once faced with a mortgage, utility bills, cable bills, diapers, formula and day care, he continued to spend money on whatever he wanted and then didn't understand why I was charging groceries and diapers because the debit card was rejected when I tried to pay with it. That credit card debt was, of course, my fault, because I was the one who charged stuff. Necessities. Gas to get to work, groceries, diapers, formula, clothes for the kids.. because he spent all the cash on lunches out every day, 3 golf leagues, a big screen TV we couldn't afford, etc. He didn't understand why we were always broke. When I did the bills, he never gave me the receipts for his lunches, etc. that he put on his debit card. This sometimes amounted to $700 a month. This was before online banking. I had no idea what he was spending or how much we had in the checkbook ever. I did mention that he was an accountant, right? When he took over paying the bills, we bounced checks all the time.
3. Although he agreed that household duties needed to be shared when both spouses were working, he had no idea how to do anything. He had never done his own laundry. He only knew how to cook fried eggs and toast. He called me at work to ask me how to turn the dryer on. He called me at work to ask me how to cook macaroni and cheese from the box. After about 5 years, he told me we needed a new toilet in his bathroom. I asked why. He said it was brown. I suggested he CLEAN IT. with bleach. He had no idea how to do anything. Our first child came within the first year of our marriage. It took years to teach him enough for him to be useful at all. He would go grocery shopping and come home without anything that could be actually cooked for a meal, like beef, chicken, pork, even when given a list.

I was very independent. I only lived at home for 2 months after I graduated from college. The week before I was starting my first real job, I moved into an apartment. I wanted to be a grown up. I was ready for adult responsibilities. He still wasn't ready for all that, even when we got married and became parents. On the surface, he looked great.. accountant, MBA in finance, had saved so much that we had a down payment for a house, had a decent retirement fund started, etc. So, he lived at home.. big deal, he had no real reason to move out. He didn't believe in living together before marriage, so I lived in the house we had bought for 8 months until we got married.

Now, you said your guy did live on his own for a couple years. He might not be as bad as this. However, just living away at college was enough for me to know that I never wanted to be dependent on my parents again. I should have realized that I needed to be with someone who was equally independent. Someone who embraced being an adult, even when it was financially difficult.

Evaluate it carefully. Look for the reasons why he is really staying at home. It probably isn't financial.

33girl · #12 03-12-2011, 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gretchen W

It frustrates him when I don't want to come over because of his parents.

This is the WEIRDEST part to me. I mean, most guys in that situation do NOT want you to come over and hang with the parents...they want to get the hell out of the house, whether it's to your place, a friend's place, a car, a bar, whatever.

Either he's taking this relationship way more seriously than you are and wants his parents to see you as marriage material, or he's got other issues. I don't think it's financial AT ALL.

Drolefille · #13 03-12-2011, 01:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by angels&angles

A lot of my friends right now are living with their parents, but it's because we all graduated into a crap economy and can't afford to live on our own. I know it really bothers all of my friends, and they're working their asses off to try and find something to support them on their own. I would definitely have a problem with anyone who was fine with living with their parents. Even though I love my parents to death and am at their house all the time, I could not WAIT to get my own place (had to live at home for a few months after grad while looking for a job/apartment). I think it's a sign of immaturity to be willing to live off your parents. (Of course this is not intended for those cultures where it is traditional for a child to live at home. I have an Indian friend who really struggles with her desire to move out of her parents house. She feels she will have to move across the country to get her parents' approval.)

Thought: How likely is it that, if you and this guy get married, you're going to have to take care of him? He's going to stop living off his parents and start living off of you if you let him.

This is where I am, moved home due to an inability to find a job and it would have been living with parents or moving across country to live with a friend who would have put me up. Found a job at the same time, but had to pay off the debts of being unemployed and save up a next egg. Six months or so later I'm just trying to find a place and then I'm out.

I think if i were content living here, I'd be a lot more worried about it.

KSUViolet06 · #14 03-12-2011, 05:05 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 33girl

I don't think it's financial AT ALL.

This.

I can totally understand people living at home temporarily for financial reasons, but for some reason, I don't think this is his deal.

He may be one of those people who initially moved home to save money, but got comfortable with it and is delaying moving out.

I personally don't know how people do that. I love my mom/stepdad, and I had to live with them between undergrad and grad school, but by the end of that 7 months I seriously couldn't wait to get out.

AGDee · #15 03-12-2011, 07:15 PM

This is why I want both of my kids to go away to college. I see fewer kids doing this when they went away for school. My ex is always saying "They should just live at home and go to Wayne State like I did" and I cringe! NO!!!!!!! Besides, our custody schedule is only good through when they graduate from high school. Whose house would they live at? Are they supposed to move from house to house week to week still? Too weird. I want them to spread their wings and fly and become the incredible adults I know they will be. And I want to spread my wings and fly...wherever I choose to fly...lol.