Being Sexually Harassed at Work! Please Help!!!

[Gucci Model]

So first things first, I am a regular poster on GC for over 3 years. I do not, however, want people to know my name, location, affiliation, or any other identifying information that I have disclosed over the years because the question I'm posting is extremely sensitive. So, I'm using this (really lame) sockpuppet but please bear with me.

I started my first real job about 6 months ago and am being sexually harassed by my boss. I graduated in December (one semester early) and was fresh out of college when I started. Initially, I was sooooo happy to have a job. But now the situation with my boss has changed everything. He is twice my age, married with kids, and in a position of authority over me. He sends me inappropriate emails, calls my cell phone 24/7, sends gross text messages, etc. etc. He makes comments about my breasts and ass. I could go on and on but you get the idea.

I work in an office of about 20 people, 17 of whom are men. They all talk about penises, sex, how much they hate their wives, our clients breasts, strippers etc. etc. daily. They also drink on the job very very frequently and will leave work to go to the bars or strip clubs (yes! during the middle of the day!)

I have already brought this up with the HR guy. Our firm has offices in about 14 states and the HR part of the company is in a different state so I have only talked to him on the phone. He said "boys will be boys" and that our company has a "fun" reputation. He was of no help.

I feel sick to my stomach about working at this company. Today I have the day off because I had to travel for work all weekend and I am trying to decide what to do about this job. I don't want to quit because I am so new and the economy is rough.

[33girl]

Google your company's name online and see if anything like this has come up at any of the other branches.

Or just cut to the chase and call your boss's wife.

[Gucci Model]

Sorry to double-post but I forgot to add that he's now starting to plan "retreats" for us (like just the 2 of us) for 4 different conferences, conventions, and visits to other branches during the summer. I really don't want to go because I'm afraid it might go from harassment to assault or something. I don't know how to get out of going. I don't know why he's asking me to go either since I'm in a very entry-level position.

And thanks for the good ideas 33girl!

[pbear19]

Originally Posted by Gucci Model

Sorry to double-post but I forgot to add that he's now starting to plan "retreats" for us (like just the 2 of us) for 4 different conferences, conventions, and visits to other branches during the summer. I really don't want to go because I'm afraid it might go from harassment to assault or something. I don't know how to get out of going. I don't know why he's asking me to go either since I'm in a very entry-level position.

And thanks for the good ideas 33girl!

My advice would be to document everything, and send it in writing to your HR guys. Sometimes even when you think you've been perfectly clear, people don't get the message. Make absolutely certain that they understand the severity of the situation. If they refuse to take action at that point, or if in any way action is taken that would be negative towards you, at least you will have a written record of the communication and you can use that going forward, should you decide to take any additional action.

Email is fine, it doesn't have to be snail mail. But do get it in writing. If you have a phone conversation with HR, send them an email immediately following the convo, saying that you want to confirm the conversation. Then write up a summary of what was said on the phone and send it in.

Sometimes, as wrong as it is, people need to realize that you are serious about your discomfort before they will do anything about it.

Edit to add - I am so sorry you are going through this!!!! I hope that it works out in the end, and that you know that none of this is in any way your fault!!!

[AZ-AlphaXi]

Do you feel comfortable going to your boss's boss with this information? Are there
any women in management that you would feel comfortable talking to?

Also, if he is setting up trips for you, insist on separate rooms and refuse to go if
you can't have separate accomodations. That's just basic business practice. Once at
the conference, don't accept invitations to eat with him or go out with him .. plead
tired and going back to your room. Once there lock the door and don't let him in.

[ThetaDancer]

I'm sorry you're going through this and I agree with the advice that's been posted so far.

I just want to make sure you know, since it's your first job, that this isn't "boys will be boys" or "fun" behavior...it's completely inappropriate and you shouldn't have to put up with it. I'm sure you know that, but I really want to reinforce that, especially since the human resources person was dismissive. And as pbear said, this isn't your fault.

[SydneyK]

Originally Posted by pbear19

My advice would be to document everything, and send it in writing to your HR guys.

Absolutely. Document everything. Start a file (or two - an electronic file and a hard copy file) and update it as frequently as necessary. Save all inappropriate texts and emails, document all inappropriate verbal/physical exchanges (record the date, time, location, witnesses - everything).

Once you've compiled this information, I would immediately send it (actually, send a copy of it and keep the originals) to HR. Continue to update your file(s) while HR is reviewing the documents. If, after ample time, HR refuses to take action, I would look into legal options. In fact, I might start researching legal representatives right now (just to find out what your options are, not necessarily to contact them... yet).

Good luck handling this crappy position someone else has put you in. I really hope it all turns out well for you.

[Kevin]

Talk to a lawyer.

[MysticCat]

Document everything and talk to a lawyer now, not later.

Good luck!

[RaggedyAnn]

...and make sure you keep the documentation on your person or in your car. Don't leave it at work. And if you have a copy of what was sent, keep it. If it was sent by text, I think the phone company can help you get old texts, if I'm not mistaken.

When you are taking records, document as soon as possible as well, that way you have dates, times, locations and as close to the words as possible. Try to do it right away.

Also, if you don't want to go to a lawyer right away, go upline in the HR Department, or I hate to say this, call a woman in the HR Department.

[xi_pinkrose]

From my own experience, the system (or the powers the be) will make you feel like the guilty party. You are entitled to receive full pay for days you are asked to stay home from work. While the "situation" is being investigated or resolved.

I was out of work for a week because I was touch inappropriately and reported it. I felt like crap, I thought I made the biggest mistake of my life, I felt like I was being punished. Then I got paid for staying home and it was kinda nice.

I was strong enough to return to the job. I know I didn't do anything wrong. People would come up to me telling me how strong I was because I came back to work. They also thanked me for taking care of a situation that could have been much worse.

Hang in there and do the right thing. I was fortunate to work for a temp agency that handled all the legal fees. But yes lawyers on both sides were involved. It was pretty serious. And was serious!

You have a huge support system on GC.

ETA: Record the weather it sounds silly but holds a lot of weight for some reason. 70 degrees and raining means something.

[ComradesTrue]

As someone who has been through something very similar (harrassment and hostile work environment by my boss) I can't echo the other sentiments loud enough: DOCUMENT everything. Every single thing.

Every single time that he makes an inappropriate remark document the date, time, location, comment and if there were any witnesses. Save all email, text and handwritten notes. Keep them all in a file at home.

In theory these cases should be no-brainers for an HR department, however my experience was otherwise. (shortening a very long story here-the boss had strings pulled by a senior VP- quite illegal, but it happened). It was only because my co-workers and I had over three year's worth of offenses documented in excrutiating detail, and threatened media and legal involvement, that the boss finally was forced to resign. Just in case you run up against similar resistance (sounds like you have so far) you need to have all your ducks in a row.

I also want to reiterate- this is not your fault and it is not normal. If you need to talk to a professional once all this is over you should feel okay about doing so. These situations can mirror living with an abuser and because the offenders are in a position of authority and you are new to the workforce- so just make sure it doesn't mess you up in the head. Before anyone laughs that I am over-reacting with the professional help thing: my employer/company was so mortified with everything that we had endured that they offered the professional help on their dime during our workday.

[Kevin]

Originally Posted by RaggedyAnn

Also, if you don't want to go to a lawyer right away, go upline in the HR Department, or I hate to say this, call a woman in the HR Department.

At least talk to a lawyer (you don't have to hire them unless you want to) before you talk to HR.

It may seem like a big step, but the lawyer can't do anything without your approval and what you tell them is absolutely confidential. You should go into this situation knowing what your legal rights and expectations are.

[KSigkid]

Originally Posted by Kevin

Talk to a lawyer.

Originally Posted by MysticCat

Document everything and talk to a lawyer now, not later.

Good luck!

Agree with both of these - you may feel a bit weird going to a lawyer, but as Kevin said, it's best to figure out what your legal rights are in this situation.

If you're unsure of who to see as far as a lawyer, some local bar associations have lawyer referral services.

[lake]

Originally Posted by xi_pinkrose

From my own experience, the system (or the powers the be) will make you feel like the guilty party. You are entitled to receive full pay for days you are asked to stay home from work. While the "situation" is being investigated or resolved.

This is so, so true, unfortunately.

Fortunately I've never dealt with sexual harassment, but almost three years ago I ended up having to deal with one of the most nasty, unpleasant persons I've ever met in my life.

Long story short, this woman was an incredible bully, very negative and vindictive. She was in charge of training me, and her hostile behavior became so uncomfortable for me I eventually complained to my supervisor. I learned that I was NOT the first one to complain about her behavior. In fact, two people before me in my position had quit because of her! But management refused to do anything because she had been there for forever and basically knew the department better than anyone there. After a couple of meetings with my supervisor (at which I was told I was doing a "great job" and this was just something I'd have to deal with), I finally asked him, "When are you going to deal with this problem? This behavior is not acceptable. Harassment is harassment."

Actually saying the word 'harassment' was the catalyst for me, but not necessarily in a good way. My supervisor then claimed he was obligated to bring in HR to mediate, I was forced to have a face-to-face meeting with this nasty woman with an HR rep, and ultimately my performance went from "great" to "not great", and I was told this was why this nasty person was justified in treating me so shabbily. Poor thing...she was just frustrated! Needless to say, I left a few days later, and never regretted it.