How do you feel about.............

Japera1920 · #1 04-03-2002, 04:46 PM

Hello Sorors,
I have not been on GC for awhile. Between school and work, I am always on the move. As of May 25th, I am going to become a resident of the Washington D.C. area in pursuit of my paralegal career.

The reason why I am posting on GC, I wanted to get the vibe on how do you feel about living with your mate before marriage.

I need all types of feed back. Female and male if all possible

Finer Woman10-A-91 · #2 04-03-2002, 05:26 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Japera1920
...The reason why I am posting on GC, I wanted to get the vibe on how do you feel about living with your mate before marriage.

I need all types of feed back. Female and male if all possible

From a very old fashioned perspective, I say NOPE! "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" Thats the expression that resonates in my mind.

I still think men like to feel like they are pursuing you.
I would only move in with a man after the proposal ...ie engagement ring on finger...as in a means of transition.

toomuchblu5 · #3 04-03-2002, 05:29 PM

I think that living with your mate before marriage is a personal issue. I personally do not want to live with my mate before marriage because I am not a proponent of "shacking up". My religious beliefs also influenced me to make this decision. I do not believe that you have to live with your mate just to adjust to his/her living habits. If the love is real, petty living habits can be compromised between both husband and wife.

UDZETA · #4 04-03-2002, 05:40 PM

Well living with your mate can be good or bad. I think it's a good idea because you get to see what that person is really like. When you don't live with that person you will never really know what they are like. Living with them before hand will save any surprises that you might need to know about to have a good marriage.

PrettyPetite · #5 04-03-2002, 09:21 PM

Well Soror, I feel that it's a personal decision that only you and him can make.

SZL,
PrettyPetite
zka DejaVu

Zetaphied · #6 04-04-2002, 02:54 AM

Although living together can be a nice experience for some, I think as I grow older and experience more I am starting to get more into that frame of mind where I'd rather a man have his own place and me my own and we work towards having something together in the future after marriage of course lol! I mean cause girl there are sometimes when you just want to be alone and come home to a quiet house. It's also nice to be able to "get away" by going over to your man's house. Of course you'll both probably spend alot of time at each other's places but in the end you know when you finally end up living together its because you guys have worked to build together and grow together from just boyfriend and girlfriend to husband and wife. But hey in the end it's all about you girl, if you want to live with your man than go for it, can't no one live your life but you!

Zetaphied · #7 04-04-2002, 02:54 AM

Although living together can be a nice experience for some, I think as I grow older and experience more I am starting to get more into that frame of mind where I'd rather a man have his own place and me my own and we work towards having something together in the future after marriage of course lol! I mean cause girl there are sometimes when you just want to be alone and come home to a quiet house. It's also nice to be able to "get away" by going over to your man's house. Of course you'll both probably spend alot of time at each other's places but in the end you know when you finally end up living together its because you guys have worked to build together and grow together from just boyfriend and girlfriend to husband and wife. But that's just my little ol 1920 cents!

zetafg · #8 04-04-2002, 10:58 AM

It is totally up to how you feel. You know your habits and rituals....does he? Do you know his? Do you also know that the only thing you can change about a Man is his diapers.....after you give birth to him? If you Love him and want to be with him, then you are accepting him as he is......just like he is Loving you and accepting you as you are.

My Man and I chose to live together because that is what we wanted to do. There is no guarantee in any relationship....boy/girlfriend, fiance, husband/wife. Whether you live together before you get married or not, what will be....will be.

I hear what the other Sorors are saying in regards to having your "quiet time". We give each other that. When it is that time for us to be by ourselves....we communicate with each other....and then it is done. Some folks may not agree, but some of my Elders had suggested that I/We do this BEFORE marriage because we may have some habits that are just not going to change that the other can NOT deal with. It is best to find these things out before you state your vows before The Lord, Family & Friends....than to be married...look at him one day...and say....'Dang I just can't take him doing.....anymore'

Talk about the move together. Communicate all your feelings... good, bad or indifferent.....just talk. He may have the same issues as you.

Japera1920 · #9 04-04-2002, 12:42 PM

Thanks for the feed back. Sometimes you have to reach out to each what others might feel.

It is a personal choice but sometime when you have others looking on the outside, they will see things that you do not see.

volgirl2376 · #10 04-04-2002, 08:45 PM

Although I was raised pretty conservatively - I think its good to live with someone before marriage.....IF you are engaged. I dont think its cool to just live with someone you are just casually dating - break up - move in with the next boyfriend.

This is why I feel this way:
My friend Tina dated John from like 8th grade through college. Their parents were best friends...they were like the perfect couple. He was in the navy while she was in college - but when he came back, they were more in love than ever. They got engaged and were married within 3 years. So they get married, get a house and live with each other for the first time ever. Within 3 months they were seperated because they couldnt stand living together

On the other side....my brother and his wife lived together for 5 years before they got married. Of course it was a shock to my seriously southern baptist parents...like it was the family secret lol. But I am happy to report they will celebrate their 5 year wedding anniversary in June

I do agree with what someone said about buying the cow when you can get the milk for free....so I guess my opinion would be....I would only live with a guy if I had a ring on my finger

MIDWESTDIVA · #11 04-05-2002, 11:55 AM

I've done the shack up thing before. I'll never do it again.

If a man wants to wake up and see my lovely face every morning, (yeah right

)I'd better have a hyphenated last name.

NinjaPoodle · #12 04-06-2002, 11:28 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Zetaphied
Although living together can be a nice experience for some, I think as I grow older and experience more I am starting to get more into that frame of mind where I'd rather a man have his own place and me my own and we work towards having something together in the future after marriage of course lol! I mean cause girl there are sometimes when you just want to be alone and come home to a quiet house. It's also nice to be able to "get away" by going over to your man's house. Of course you'll both probably spend alot of time at each other's places but in the end you know when you finally end up living together its because you guys have worked to build together and grow together from just boyfriend and girlfriend to husband and wife. But hey in the end it's all about you girl, if you want to live with your man than go for it, can't no one live your life but you!

I did just that and now I'm glad because we broke up after being together for around 10 years. I say 'Whatever floats your boat"

Now, a little older and wiser, I would move in with the Mr ONLY AFTER he gives me the ring.

TLAW · #13 04-07-2002, 04:20 AM

Okay... alright... I'll take a deep breath, go out on a limb, and tell you how this brother feels.
First of all, while the story of Tina and John is tragic, it is by no means uncommon. Call me a dolt, but that just does not provide me with good enough reason to live with a mate before marriage. Problems are going to come up regardless of the living situation. I doubt that John and Tina would have been any better off had they lived together before jumpin' the broom.
It may surprise you to hear this from a man, but I believe that living together as man and wife before marriage is bad for the relationship's future. It dulls the potency of marriage, and forget not ladies: more often than not, the analogy of the free milk and the cow holds true. I think it is deeply embedded in the male gene. Why, indeed, should I buy the cow when I can get the milk for free? Call me old-fashioned, or overly "in touch with my emotional side", but I think a man who loves a woman would want to marry her as soon as he could get her ring finger sized up. A long term engagement almost defeats the purpose. In all honesty, what is it that you can discover about your mate being "shacked up" that U can't discover during extended time together though you live apart?
That being said, to each their own (is that grammatically correct?)
There are a number of arguments to be made for both sides. You can use the biblical, conservative model, or you can argue for pre-nuptial familiarity and cost-cutting. I leave you with a question: whose idea was it to move in together? The answer to that may provide you a little insight. Midwestdiva just might have a good reason for her thoughts! On the flip side, you most probably have honorable men, who will do the right thing. But don't think living together is gonna be an accurate calculator of marital bliss. Their is something about that ring on a man's finger that twists our heads up.
Thanks!!

lilZetagirl · #14 04-07-2002, 11:45 PM

please forgive me for attempting to quote stats without the exact information

...

but i do recall a conversation with a friend that stated that couples that live together prior to marriage are more prone to end in divorce! now that isn't to say "no, don't do it", because as many have stated, that is very much a personal decision...

but i will agree with what a lot of my sorors have said...IF there is a ring on my finger and we have made substantial wedding plans, THEN we can go ahead and do the dayum thang, but not before then!!

The Original Ape · #15 04-08-2002, 12:04 AM

I think it's necessary for most people to live with their prospective spouse prior to jumpin' the broom IF THEY REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT THEY'RE GETTING. It's so easy to put on, wear, and take off a mask if you two live separately. When you live together, it's almost impossible to keep that mask on. Sooner or later, you'll have to take it off.
Engagement rings don't come cheap; and some of the best stores wont give you your money back beyond 30 days. What if she's nasty, or can't cook? Why then, would you give a girl a ring that you weren't thoroughly satisfied with? Live with her. Get to know her; and if she passes ALL of your tests, THEN get the ring and ask her to marry you. IN THAT ORDER! You'll pay a heavy price if you do it any other way!