What defines a helicopter parent?

[WarEagle07]

Originally Posted by UGAalum94

I think the test in school volunteering is two fold: one, is the parent sincerely interested in helping all students and teachers or is it an expectation of quid pro quo or influence seeking AND does the parent seek to meddle or overstep his or her authority while "helping out"?

If you have an altruistic desire to make your child's school a better place, more power to you, but if you are just trying to worm your way into getting what you want for your kid, even at the expense of others, not so much.

Well said. Parents do need to advocate for their child and they do need to be interested and involved in their childs life. I think that we have defined what a helicopter parent is, the question now becomes how do you handle them? If you are a coach, teacher, or employer what do you do when confronted by a parent who has stepped beyond reasonable limits?

[AOIIalum]

Originally Posted by Army Wife'79

I first noticed it when my son was in Boy Scouts and they were given a chunk of wood and they were to sand it, paint it and make it into a car to race. My son worked on it as a little kid would and it looked like it. When we showed up for the race we saw all these elaborate cars and were stunned. (The rules were the kids had to do it themselves). I

Been there, done that. It's one thing if Bubba designed the car and had his adult help with cutting it out, it's another for Dad or Grandpa to make the car themselves. That always drove me insane!!!! We had one little boy every year with a car so smooth that we thought they bought it. Dad admitted to taking his car to work and doing it there, but work was a major car production facility so Dad had access to the best paints and design software...and the car looked it. What does the boy get out of that?

Solved the problem by having a Pinewood work meeting night where leaders brought tools in to help the boys with cars (meaning, they could see the boys involved with the process ) and having a "Parent Division" on race day (with the entry fee to buy and race a car as a pack fundraiser. Darn effective fundraiser.)

[SWTXBelle]

Originally Posted by AOIIalum

Been there, done that. It's one thing if Bubba designed the car and had his adult help with cutting it out, it's another for Dad or Grandpa to make the car themselves. That always drove me insane!!!! We had one little boy every year with a car so smooth that we thought they bought it. Dad admitted to taking his car to work and doing it there, but work was a major car production facility so Dad had access to the best paints and design software...and the car looked it. What does the boy get out of that?

Solved the problem by having a Pinewood work meeting night where leaders brought tools in to help the boys with cars (meaning, they could see the boys involved with the process ) and having a "Parent Division" on race day (with the entry fee to buy and race a car as a pack fundraiser. Darn effective fundraiser.)

Brilliant! I hope some others are inspired by this creative solution!

[AUDeltaGam]

Someone who emails their child's school counselor EIGHT times in 4 days over something that's really not that big of a deal!

[texas*princess]

Originally Posted by Srmom1

Posting under a different name at home...

Just so you know, it is possible to log into the same account from a different location

So, in other words - Get off the forum? You're not welcome, we don't want you here? You're a moderator - ban us!

That's not what I said. There are plenty of posters here who I know have kids, and yet they don't just talk about hovering.

And another FYI, unfortunately, mods can't just ban whoever they want. If that were the case, we'd have very few posters here

Sometimes the parents are here because they are nervous and want a place to vent, then WE encourge them to share (and then some relish attacking them for it). I admit that last year there were some unattractive parents who, for whatever reason, be it anger, spite, revenge, what have you, posted nasty things after their kids were cut or didn't have a good rush (in their opinion). But, do you really want all the parents (even when we are active Greek women or men alumni) to just go away?

If you want a place to vent, that's what PARENTING boards are for. Like I said before, I know plenty of posters here who are parents but they don't use GC as their place to talk about controlling and hovering over their kid's lives.

My son wouldn't come on this site if his life depended upon it But, he didn't mind when I posted (post recruitment) his story, and neither did the people who enjoyed reading it and encouraged me to post - and perhaps, in some way, the story of his recruitment can help others who might be thinking of rushing a fraternity which is COMPLETELY different than rushing a sorority.

I came on the site when my son was a senior (hence Srmom) to get information because it had been MANY moons since both my husband and I were involved in the Greek system. My son had expressed an interest, was being "rushed", although he didn't realize it at the time because we did NOT make it a deal in our house, he just thought nice guys were inviting him to go to stuff. By getting information on this site (and from EE-BO for one) it helped with the process. I understood what was going on and felt better about what he was going through and where he ended up (special circumstances in that he pledged a fraternity that is not recognized by IFC - EE BO, in particular, shed light on that situation).

It's your son's perogative to go to whatever sites he wants to. If he decided he wanted more info about fraternities, he has 2 arms, and 2 working hands (at least I hope so, otherwise this is a moot point). He is physically capable of doing research himself whether it be here or somewhere else.

There is no reason why he should need your or anyone else to spoon feed him with information. If it's something HE wants HE should be old enough and capable enough to do it himself.

[lawgal]

If it is something the parent is paying for, would that give them an interest in finding out what they are paying for? As an example, if my kid wants a car and needs help paying for it, I want some information about the car before I do it. I do want some information about sororities and sorority life at my daughter's proposed campus. Hopefully that is different from helicoptering.

[AlphaFrog]

Originally Posted by lawgal

Hopefully that is different from helicoptering.

Absolutely. But the difference is: if you check out the sorority websites, ask anyone you know personally that has personal connections, and/or ask generic questions on GC - to me, that's being an informed parent. When you call the Greek Life office, visit the chapters yourself, and make demands (ahem, strongly worded questions) on GC that anyone who knows anything about the spesific chapters to give you all their info, as well as help you secure recs, etc. that's crossed the line.

I guess what I'm trying to say that the line (TO ME) is when you start doing things that are FOR your children that they can do themselves. Gathering your own (GENERIC) info for the purposes of having a basic knowledge of what you're paying for doesn't cross the line for me.

[Srmom1]

Just so you know, it is possible to log into the same account from a different location

For some reason, last year when I became my alter ego of srmom1, it wouldn't let me log on with my other name.

If you want a place to vent, that's what PARENTING boards are for. Like I said before, I know plenty of posters here who are parents but they don't use GC as their place to talk about controlling and hovering over their kid's lives.

I've never vented.

It's your son's perogative to go to whatever sites he wants to.

They're all sports related.

If he decided he wanted more info about fraternities, he has 2 arms, and 2 working hands (at least I hope so, otherwise this is a moot point).

Yes, thank God he has two working arms and legs. Oh, his hands work too.

And, about wanting fraternity information, he wasn't really actively looking - as I said, he didn't really realize he was being "rushed". I was the one who wanted information only to assuage my concerns. That was done with the wonderful posters on GC. My son had no worries...

There is no reason why he should need your or anyone else to spoon feed him with information. If it's something HE wants HE should be old enough and capable enough to do it himself.

I haven't had to spoon feed him since he was eating Gerbers. And, he's doing just great in his fraternity that he pledged all on his own. Believe it or not, I didn't even have to call nationals!!

I guess what I'm trying to say that the line (TO ME) is when you start doing things that are FOR your children that they can do themselves. Gathering your own (GENERIC) info for the purposes of having a basic knowledge of what you're paying for doesn't cross the line for me.

AMEN!

[UGAalum94]

Originally Posted by lawgal

If it is something the parent is paying for, would that give them an interest in finding out what they are paying for? As an example, if my kid wants a car and needs help paying for it, I want some information about the car before I do it. I do want some information about sororities and sorority life at my daughter's proposed campus. Hopefully that is different from helicoptering.

Your examples aren't comparable. The car you will at least partially own or you are electing to buy as a gift for your child. In that instance, it would be very strange not to be involved.

The sorority is different. It is a membership that will exclusively belong to your daughter. You can pay for it or not, but you don't really get to participate other than when you are invited to parents events or asked to give money. (It's like buying season tickets to a sports team; you pay and watch, but you don't get to coach.)

Research to answer questions like "is this a safe and worthy use of my money" is completely appropriate. Research into particular groups, reputations, gaming the system to get a certain group or outcome are not appropriate. (I'm not saying that's what you, Lawgirl, would do, but we've seen it here.)

It's sort of like researching colleges. Shouldn't which college and why be a decision made by the person attending and the parental research is again, is this a worthy use of my money? Doesn't it seem strange when parents seem to think college is just like school K-12 where they made decisions for their kids? Isn't it odd that some parents are still trying to advocate for their children with college professors and registrars when the offspring need to do it themselves? In these instances the parents could say, well I'm paying for it. And they are, but it doesn't mean that they get to direct the people providing it. They can pay or not pay and lean on the enrolled student to handle the advocacy.

[Benzgirl]

Originally Posted by UGAalum94

The sorority is different. It is a membership that will exclusively belong to your daughter. You can pay for it or not, but you don't really get to participate other than when you are invited to parents events or asked to give money. (It's like buying season tickets to a sports team; you pay and watch, but you don't get to coach.)

I love this quote, and it's highlighted so that I can refer back to it.

[UGAalum94]

I'm glad you did. I think about this topic a lot because I work with teenagers at a pretty affluent high school. Sometimes with the helicopters, you'd think it was the fall of Saigon.

[nikki1920]

My parents were never helicoptering. My mom was the room mom because everyone liked her. She advocated for me twice during my whole time in school: once because I was having issues with math (8th grade) and again when my teacher gave me an unfair grade (advanced English class, got a D on a paper when I had followed all the instructions, had another teacher review it after the grade. Mind, I had recieved all As on previous papers. She went to the teacher and then the principal when that meeting didn't provide her answers. The grade was eventually changed.) She and my father did not do projects for me, did not harrass the teachers when I earned a low grade, didn't choose classes for me and did not pressure me into doing extracurricular activities.

I like AGDee's example of using the resources to motivate and encourage her children, that is what my parents did when I struggled in school. That is what I do now with my daughter. I will encourage and support her, but not do her work for her.

[UGAalum94]

Originally Posted by nikki1920

My parents were never helicoptering. My mom was the room mom because everyone liked her. She advocated for me twice during my whole time in school: once because I was having issues with math (8th grade) and again when my teacher gave me an unfair grade (advanced English class, got a D on a paper when I had followed all the instructions, had another teacher review it after the grade. Mind, I had recieved all As on previous papers. She went to the teacher and then the principal when that meeting didn't provide her answers. The grade was eventually changed.) She and my father did not do projects for me, did not harrass the teachers when I earned a low grade, didn't choose classes for me and did not pressure me into doing extracurricular activities.

I like AGDee's example of using the resources to motivate and encourage her children, that is what my parents did when I struggled in school. That is what I do now with my daughter. I will encourage and support her, but not do her work for her.

Actually, it does sound like they "harassed" the teacher when you received a low grade. They may have only done it once, but it looked like it happened. Harass is your word rather than mine, but what you describe really isn't all that normal.

If you made all As on your other papers, it really probably wasn't worth all that. What did you learn from her doing that? That you might sometimes call momma to deal with injustice? What about the times when your mom has no influence?

I have no idea what your English teacher was like, and I'll even accept that she/he was clearly in the wrong. But often the fights that seem like they need fighting really don't, and that an even better lesson may be learned by people not getting what they want.

[texas*princess]

Originally Posted by UGAalum94

Actually, it does sound like they "harassed" the teacher when you received a low grade. They may have only done it once, but it looked like it happened. Harass is your word rather than mine, but what you describe really isn't all that normal.

Courtesy of dictionary.com:
ha·rass Audio Help /həˈræs, ˈhærəs/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[huh-ras, har-uhs] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–verb (used with object) 1. to disturb persistently; torment, as with troubles or cares; bother continually; pester; persecute.
2. to trouble by repeated attacks, incursions, etc., as in war or hostilities; harry; raid.

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Until you can prove that what nikki's parents were doing was 'harrassing" the teacher, you cannot place judgement there.

Just sayin'.

[UGAalum94]

Originally Posted by texas*princess

Courtesy of dictionary.com:
ha·rass Audio Help /həˈræs, ˈhærəs/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[huh-ras, har-uhs] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–verb (used with object) 1. to disturb persistently; torment, as with troubles or cares; bother continually; pester; persecute.
2. to trouble by repeated attacks, incursions, etc., as in war or hostilities; harry; raid.

================

Until you can prove that what nikki's parents were doing was 'harrassing" the teacher, you cannot place judgement there.

Just sayin'.

I'm saying that having someone else grade a paper after the fact and going above the teacher's head to the principal is beyond normal behavior about one paper grade.

It may not be harassment, but it's the kind that helicopter parents do.

Now, I'm not saying that you should just let teachers hand out random grades, but one paper is not something that should be going to the principal worthy, I don't think.

I don't pretend to know Nikki or her parents, and they all may be delightful folks, but the situation with the English teacher is exactly what helicopter parents do. (ETA: Maybe Nikki was better off the long run with her parents advocating and getting the grade changed, but I wonder if it wouldn't have been even better to see what Nikki could have accomplished on her own. A kid in advanced English should have some decent communication skills, right?)

ETA: I do apologize for making it seem like I'm judging Nikki's parents so hard. I admit I don't know the whole story, but what's presented here seems like a bad example of how they aren't helicopters. I don't really expect parents to be perfect in every instance and there's a whole range of dealing with teacher issues that are completely the teacher's fault.
I think Nikki is correct in her assessment that if these were the only two times they intervened, that her parents probably weren't the helicopter type.