Stupid boy

nucutiepie · #1 03-16-2002, 05:16 AM

I am currently dating my best friend. I am his first girlfriend ever and so I try to be understanding that he may not understand how to relate to/treat a girlfriend. However, me and some of my sisters were chilling in my room, making nice drinks and hanging out and I complained how he made me feel undervalued and not appreciated and my girls thought I was crazy. He stopped by for a few minutes and was so rude, uncaring, etc that my friend demanded he kiss me before he leave the room (he wouldnt even do that) and as soon as he left all four girls simultaneously told me that I shouldnt put up with that, that he treats me terribly, etc.

He then does these passive agressive things. He has a friend here this weekend AND its NCAA tournament so he basically wont spend time with me. He however promised that I could come to lunch tomorrow, yet he wont let us talk this over (we had an angry conversation later tonight) before lunch, which means I wont want to go because I have no desire to pretend that I am happy and OK when I am really mad at him. Rather than saying he doesnt want me to come to lunch, he just creates a situation where I can't really go to lunch (b/c I don't want to ruin his friends lunch by being a little bitch the whole time!)

What am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to chalk it up to inexperience? Or is there more going on here?

pinkangel · #2 03-16-2002, 07:25 AM

my rule with dating is, if I'm not happy, or I feel uncomfortable most of the time, then there's something wrong and it has to be addressed. It sounds like you know there's something wrong. At least it sounds that way to me. You're friends have your best interest at heart and they think you can do better. Just because he's your best friend doesn't mean the relationship will work, you can still be friends afterward.

If you find yourself constantly on your gaurd or if you feel like you're the one making the compromises, or if you're just never happy, then something has to be done to remedy the situation. Relationships aren't always going to be perfect and there will be problems, but you should be happy most of the time, there should be a mutual respect and open communication between the two people.

I wish you the best of luck, and don't let anyone make this decision for you, you've got to figure it out.

justamom · #3 03-16-2002, 07:32 AM

How long have you been dating? If this is just starting, then try to be patient.
How long has it been since he's seen his friend?

On the surface, it sounds perfectly "normal". (Not the being rude part) Let him be loose and have some privacy with his buddy.
remember his friend came to see HIM and may have things he doesn't want to talk about or do around a stranger...especially a girl.

Most of all-your friends, though trying to be supportive of YOU, can paint a blacker picture of the events and end up making MORE trouble by magnifying something that is nothing more than asking for a little space while his friend is in town. His friend may think you are demanding and not understanding...just like YOUR friends may feel about him. This brings a bit of pride into the picture.

If this continues to happen...that's a different story. Honestly, if it were me, I'd skip lunch and find something fun to do.

aggieAXO · #4 03-16-2002, 08:24 AM

I have put up with enough crappy boyfriends in my life and will not do this again. My advice is if this continues maybe you guys should just remain friends. If you are unhappy a majority of the time then I think it is time to get out. Easier said than done, I know cause I have been there, but I have learned from experience that I want to be treated rt. or I would rather be by myself.

LeslieAGD · #5 03-16-2002, 10:55 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by pinkangel
my rule with dating is, if I'm not happy, or I feel uncomfortable most of the time, then there's something wrong and it has to be addressed.

PinkAngel makes an excellent point.

I think you really need to sit down and talk to him. The key steps to a good relationship are communication and the willingness to learn. It doesn't sound like this guy is trying to do either. Explain that you are not only his girlfriend, but his friend, and you don't appriciate being treated this way.

Peaches-n-Cream · #6 03-16-2002, 12:28 PM

Definitely talk to him. Decide if his behavior is just because of the NCAA Tournament or if it is something more. If it's the tournament, maybe you should make plans of your own without him instead of becoming a 'basketball widow'. If it's more than the NCAA, you have to have a big talk with him. If the behavior is part of pattern, there is a problem and it needs to be addressed. No one should be treated disrespectfully. The foundation of any healthy relationship is trust and respect. I agree that once the relationship stops being fun, there is a problem that needs to be addressed. Good luck!

Periwinkle · #7 03-16-2002, 01:11 PM

These are all great suggestions. The only thing I could add is that, as you said, this is his first relationship and it's true he needs to know what a relationship means. If this is not an isolated incident, and even if it is, you should be clear about what your expectations are about how you want to be treated, and do not compromise to the point where you continue to be uncomfortable. As they say: what we allow, we teach.

With regard to your friend demanding he kiss you, that probably had the opposite effect.

nucutiepie · #8 03-16-2002, 02:22 PM

Well, talked to him today. He refuses to talk to me seriously until Monday when his friend leaves, even though when I called him his friend had just woken up and was going to be 20 or 30 minutes. I just feel like it's such a passive agressive way of him being a jerk to me.

We've been dating for 2 1/2 months which isn't very long except at the school I go to (dating like does not exist here) its kind of a long relationship. He tells me he loves me, yet I feel like I am constantly last on his list. His fraternity, sports, and drinking all tend to come before me.

Speaking of his drinking, he refuses to spend weekend nights with me except for late night. He wants to hang out with his buddies, which I can accept, but the problem arises when he passes out at 11 PM! A night with Jack Daniels does NOT equal a night with the boys, period.

He just knows that if I had a friend, I would include him, and that I will control my drinking so that I get to see him (I would stop drinking altogether if he would do the same for me) and i just feel like I am the one who is more committed and that hurts.

Lil_G · #9 03-16-2002, 04:06 PM

...and now testosterone enters the board...

okay ladies, first off i don't think it's fair to castrate this guy because he didn't want to kiss you in front of your freinds. 1, this isn't grade 8 where everyone sits in a circle and claps when two kids kiss while playing spin the bottle. He probably didn't feel confortable being around all your freinds, and maybe thinks that you would feel the same way around his. Could it be that he wants to maintain an equal separation between time spent with his freinds and your time spent among your chums?

The second part of your first post was a tough read, so i'm still a little confused with what you're trying to say. I think a lot of that could have to do with his freind from out of town. How long has he known this guy and how long have they been freinds? If he hadn't seen him in a very long time, he's probably vying to keep it as productive as possible by not having his friend be placed in an akward situation of watching a couple go at it while he tries to order a burger.

I don't know exactly how you two spend your time together before you were dating - specifically, evenings & weekends. If a typical night was spent meeting up at a bar and dispersing afterwards to your respective brotherhood/sisterhood, then is it fair to blame him for not assuming otherwise? If that is the case, then he does need to make necessary changes to be in this relationship but you may also have to accomodate some of his demands.

Give this some time, wait for his pal to leave and talk it over. If he's really your best friend (even though the topic is stupid boy) then he'll be willing to work it out. If not, then he's a crybaby who drinks like a 10th grader.

James · #10 03-16-2002, 06:48 PM

Hmm . .

1st there is some excellent advice here. If you are unhappy you don't need to stay. And sometimes it doesn't matter whether its your fault or his.

Also, a big flag is the small time you have been involved. You are only 2 months into the relationship. This is still usually the "honeymoon" period. Having problems already is a bad sign for both of you. I would be telling him to bail, if I were his friend.

Usually, if a guy desn't want to hear it from you, it means that he normally perceives your emotional discussions as both bitter and attacking. Two things that are guarenteed to make him feel defensive and angry.

Also, it usually means that he regards these discussions or the "attitudes" leading to discussions as way too frequent for his comfort.

Your girlfriend did you no service by demanding he kiss you, unless he is completely stupid he could probably feel the tension, and what self-respecting man would just obey that way? espeially a command given to him with attitude?

As far as his behaviors go, if you were best friends, you knew the way he was before you started!!!

Anyway, good luck.