Dating advice

[ΑΓΔSquirrel10]

Cheerful, I was reading your story and it sent chills up my spine because I've been in the same situation before. Someone I knew and trusted gave this guy my number without asking me, and we talked a lot and I thought that he knew we were just "friends." This guy flipped out when I started dating someone else, and ended up causing me some trouble towards the end of my junior year in high school.

Just remember to be careful, because you never know what he will do.

[James]

Ok guys.

Before we take him out back and shoot him lol. Lets reflect that he hasn't done anything wrong yet.

And lets try not to project too much of our own baggage on to this . . and scare the hell out of cheerfulgreek

Keep in mind that they spoke for hours on the phone . . daily for a while. A comment of "I love talking to him, he is so sweet" is not indicative that he is insane and and shortly going to burry her under his dorm room.

So it sounds like he was infatuated with her before, spent hours talking to her, and thought the time they spent together meant she liked him.

He may need a little while to unwind from that.

Cheerfulgreek: This is so aggravating! He's called me everyday since we met. I love talking to him, he's so sweet, but I'm going to have to tell him this whole friendship thing is not what I planned. I wake up every morning now, thinking of how to avoid him. I'll keep you guys posted. Thank you. You guys are great!

[CutiePie2000]

Originally Posted by James

Ok guys.

Before we take him out back and shoot him lol. Lets reflect that he hasn't done anything wrong yet.

Well, he isn't completely faultless..... he is hugging her (or trying to.....) and she doesn't want him to. In a word, eww.

[James]

True. She just needs to set some boundaries. Or perhaps even completely nix him. Nixing him sounding better and better.

Originally Posted by CutiePie2000

Well, he isn't completely faultless..... he is hugging her (or trying to.....) and she doesn't want him to. In a word, eww.

[CutiePie2000]

Agreed. And also, setting boundaries and being assertive is a learned skill, and I think the counselling services on campus, etc. would be a valuable tool for that.

[Scandia]

It is possible to go back. I was able to get over my first love, who happened to be my good guy friend. He did have to set some boundaries- but I did take no for an answer and eventually got over him (and my depression). I never stalked him. I never threatened him. I never harassed him. Those bad things had happened to me before from someone who would not take NO for an answer and who had become abusive in addition to stalking me.

While this fellow sounds kind, I do worry that he may get abusive and harassing and become a stalker. There have been some guys who have been able to deal with our being just friends even if they liked me- hey, the last guy I dated is one of them. Others can't- like the convenient guy from sophomore year, whom I did not even have to tell that I did not feel the same way for him to realize it and end a friendship of 7 months.

[KSig RC]

Originally Posted by Scandia

It is possible to go back. I was able to get over my first love, who happened to be my good guy friend. He did have to set some boundaries- but I did take no for an answer and eventually got over him (and my depression). I never stalked him. I never threatened him. I never harassed him. Those bad things had happened to me before from someone who would not take NO for an answer and who had become abusive in addition to stalking me.

Wait, what? Do you even read the thread, or just respond with whatever corner case happened to you as an 'illustrative example' of . . . well, I have no idea what of . . .

Originally Posted by Scandia

While this fellow sounds kind, I do worry that he may get abusive and harassing and become a stalker. There have been some guys who have been able to deal with our being just friends even if they liked me- hey, the last guy I dated is one of them. Others can't- like the convenient guy from sophomore year, whom I did not even have to tell that I did not feel the same way for him to realize it and end a friendship of 7 months.

You do worry . . .then give examples of the exact opposite? Holy Jesus - guys, seriously.

It sucks, but you have to be able to step up and force the issue - you have all the power in this situation, which is why you feel awkward when he does things like "go for a hug" . . . in fact, even in the worst-case scenario ("stalker"), the whole point is trying to take back power.

Be clear, concise, and point out that this is really what you want ("This is what I want" is a VERY powerful term for those who are still attached). If he's hurt, don't back down or half-ass it. Do not compromise. Put yourself in a smart position when you do it, in the unlikely case that problems arise. Stop studying with him if you're not serious about hanging out.

Life is not a Rubik's Cube, dudes.

[AlphaFrog]

Why, RC, are you trying to say that those who are self-admittedly bad at relationships, and have several threads about their own relationship problems, shouldn't give relationship advice??

[James]

That my friend, is the quote of the week.

ETA: Thats not a swipe at Ms. Scandia, just appreciation for a good turn of phrase.

Originally Posted by KSig RC

Life is not a Rubik's Cube, dudes.

[cheerfulgreek]

After reading all of these post, I'm a little freaked out right now. I think you guys are the best, and I appreciate your concerns. You guys are right, I should stop being so nice to people. It's going to be hard because this is the person I am. I think I may have the same problem with men I don't like, that PrettyBoy has with women he doesn't like. He may be right. Maybe men and women can't be friends. Guys always seem to want more from me. I met my X this way too. We started off as friends and I would have kept it that way, even though I thought he was cute, but he told me he liked me for more than a friend. I thought that since we were both greek that we would have a lot in common, well, he turned out to be a jerk. He was really mean to me, he would drink a lot and acted like he didn't care about me. So I broke up with him. Well now he wants to get back with me, and this new guy keeps coming over and calling me. I don't want neither one of them. I just REALLY want to be alone right now!

This new guy is really nice but very unattractive. He has a lot of bumps on his face and stuff. He does't shave very often either. I'm not attracted to guys like this. My sorority sisters have been calling him pizza face and crazy 8 face, and then they laugh. That's mean! I did tell them not to let him in anymore, and they said they wouldn't, but he hasn't been by since the last time he was over here. He wrote this letter to me. The other day he did come by but I wasn't there, so he left the letter and a rose on the door. I have the note right here. I'll type it. Here's what it says:

Dear (my real name): The past few weeks I've had a wonderful time with you. You are the nicest girl I've ever met, and by far the most attractive that I've ever seen. I find you very attractive now, and I'm sure I always will. Unfortunately, you don't feel the same way about me, and I understand, because most women don't (smilely face). I hope we can continue to be close friends though. I don't have a lot of friends here, and that was my primary reason for trying to join a fraternity, but that didn't work out. You are the only person who talks to me and laughs with me. I don't make friends very easily. I'm new here so maybe eventually I will get more friends. I really enjoy coming over your house to visit. You make me feel at home, but sometimes I get the feeling you don't want me around. Everytime I come over you look uneasy and uncomfortable. Do I make you feel this way? If I do, let me know and I will never bother you again. The last thing I want is to hurt you in anyway. I left the yellow rose with this letter because I think yellow means friendship, which is what we are. Are we? I'll call you tonight, and again if you don't want me to come around anymore, please let me know and I won't. If you do decide you don't want to see me anymore, I would hope we can at least talk in passing. O.K. take care and we'll talk tonight.

Sincerely
Your friend
Paul.

He hasn't called yet, but I know he will. I'm going to have to tell him how I feel. I hate to hurt him, but now I'm afraid of this situation. I'll keep you posted on my little soap opera .

[AlexMack]

You definitely need to be direct, as hard as that is. It seems like he's bracing himself for it so he's not totally oblivious. I would tell him that you agree with what he said in his letter and that you'd really like to back off the friendship and only talk in passing as he suggested.

[WVU alpha phi]

one word: PSYCHO.

[ΑΓΔSquirrel10]

At least he has an idea of what's going on. Just be honest with him, and hopefully everything will be ok Keep us updated

[FSUZeta]

try telling him(and your ex) that you just need some time for yourself; right now you are not looking for (nor do you want)a relationship.

"paul" mentions that he has few friends. is he involved in any activities besides stalking you? suggest to "paul" that he join a club at school-go so far as to find some that might interest him,including contact information and share that info with him. maybe helping him find a hobby/interest will help him fill his days.

[cheerfulgreek]

We talked. But not on the phone. I started telling him when he called me and as I was, he said he wanted to come over. I told him no, but he showed up anyway. I didn't let him in, so we sat outside on the steps. It was cold outside so he put his jacket around me, I wanted so much to take it off, but I was really cold. I told him that I didn't really know how to say this but I let him know that I didn't think it was a good idea that we see each other again. He asked me why. I told him you said it yourself in the letter you wrote me that if I wanted to break off our friendship that you would be o.k. with it. He didn't say anything. He just took a deep breath with a very disappointed look on his face. I gave the rose back to him too. He said what am I going to do with this? I told him I didn't want to keep anything he gave me. This was so hard telling him this, because I really felt like I was throwing away a friend. He didn't seem like a stalker. I just think he's lonely. He has hobbies, but he's not involved in any school activities. He wants to be greek but they don't want him. He asked me what was it about him that I'm not physically attracted to. I told him that it's not important. He shook his head in disbelief, smiled and said o.k. I won't bother you again. For the 1st time he didn't try hugging me, he shook my hand. I gave him his jacket back and then he left. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

The only thing I worry about now is we both go to this popular coffee shop, that pretty much everybody knows about. There's only one, it's not a coffee chain, so it's not like I can go to another one. It's a small hole in the wall owned by one person. I've been going there for a long time now, but I may not go anymore. He might be there. He's been there just about everytime I would go, and everytime I've gone in there he would make it a point to sit with me. I never had a problem with it until now. I wanted to go today, but I thought he might be there. This really sucks. I love that place so much. Well anyway, I felt so bad for breaking our friendship off that I cried myself to sleep. I don't think he's psycho, my X is more of the psycho. I thought I would have the same problems tonight, but for the 1st time he didn't call nor did he come over. I think he got the message. As far as my X, yes he still wants to get back together, but I'm not. He only wants to get back with me whenever he wants something from me. He doesn't come around at all. I just saw him in passing and we started talking and he mentioned it. He does this all the time, only when he wants something. He's a drunk.

Thank you so much for all of your help on this guys. This site is the best, and so are you guys. You guys have been so supportive. If anything else happens I'll tell you guys.