How many dates? - Page 3

valkyrie · #31 11-28-2006, 02:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scandia

I do feel like a fool for not feeling the same way for such a great person. There are very few good men left. And he treats me well, is my type, and we have enough in common.

It sounds like what you're trying to decide right now is whether you should try to settle for this guy, because you think you might never find someone better. Only you can make that determination, but unless your biological clock is ticking and you want to start popping out the kids really soon (which isn't the case), I can't imagine why you'd even consider this kind of settling.

33girl · #32 11-28-2006, 02:47 PM

Stop saying he's your "type." It's something that will end with you in a crappy loveless marriage. Well, maybe I'm being dramatic, but still.

A lot of relationships and marriages eventually turn into friendships with no chemistry left - whether the 2 people involved can deal with that is up to them. Starting at that point is kind of like buying a bottle of 600 aspirin w/ a March expiration date on February 28.

BlessedOne04 · #33 11-28-2006, 03:48 PM

Two would be my limit. However I would continue to talk to that person who knows a friendship might evolve.

Scandia · #34 11-28-2006, 09:04 PM

33girl- I only stated that he is my type as supporting evidence to the fact that I honestly cannot pinpoint any reason why I have not developed feelings for him like he did for me. I do know that many friendships blossom into love- but before going on that first date, usually one or both is having feelings for the other. I do not think this is my case

I certainly do not want to marry someone, or even get into a relationship with someone, without those feelings.

Valkyrie- I don't want kids. Nor do I have kids that need a father desperately. It's more a question of, how do I put this, I want a paladin. I do not want someone who is significantly more experienced than I am. Nor do I want to negotiate on so many things. Sure sure, this guy was not a perfect match and there were negotiations- but no dealbreaking ones. I want a prince, not a cheap imitation that another one has used up already.

Consensus says- considering someone whom I'm not feeling anything for IS settling indeed. Not negotiation- SETTLING.

I'm still glad everyone has given input, for future reference. I do wish to experience those feelings- but even from date one, I could tell that this guy and I would not have super high chemistry. I just did not think that it would be nonexistent on my side.

Jimmy Choo · #35 11-30-2006, 01:05 AM

While I would have never came up with an analogy as cool as 33girl's... she makes a valid point. As a relationship progresses, the chemistry will eventually cool and the friendship aspect will be come more paramount. So a mental connection is definatly important. But there HAS to be a physical connection. Otherwise it's like trying to play "realtionship" with someone who is nothing more than a friend.....

Scandia · #36 11-30-2006, 07:58 AM

Many people have made that point that sparks are highest at the beginning or when both realize they are in love with each other.

Sadly, I am not feeling any physical chemistry towards him.

Not only that, but another friend noticed lack of mental chemistry from what I wrote. She noticed that I did not pinpoint any specific things we discussed or he said or did. That I sounded like I was describing a perfectly pleasant man who did not make me laugh, think, or wonder. That I showed no more enthusiasm towards him than towards somebody I was writing a business reference for.

And of course, I am not feeling anything special emotionally.

Another dead end. But I did learn something- that I DO need the chemistry and sparks, that it is NOT a good thing that they were so low, that they ARE what distinguish a relationship from the rest of the friendships, that no matter if he meets the requirements and falls within my preferences (not that he met all or was the prototype of what I would want), if that spark is missing, it IS settling.

Peaches-n-Cream · #37 11-30-2006, 06:53 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scandia

Well, he has not asked me out for a fourth date yet. I asked him to give me some time- he said "all the time in the world". He is not pressuring me- THANK GOD. I will try not to pressure myself.

I do feel like a fool for not feeling the same way for such a great person. There are very few good men left. And he treats me well, is my type, and we have enough in common. Not a perfect match- I would be lying if I said there were no negotiations- but certainly no red flags or even compromises. If he does want biological children for sure, I WILL have to let him go. But otherwise, I cannot think of anything else.

I am glad he said it would not change anything. And I told him that we would always be friends regardless, since that is what we are. He seemed to understand.

I do wish him the best, whether it happens or not.

There are not very few good men left. That kind of thinking makes women get involved with a nice guy for whom they have no feelings because they fear they will not meet anyone better. That's not fair to you or to him. You cannot force yourself to feel attraction or chemistry for someone no matter how nice or cute he is.

Dating can and should be fun. I hope that you meet someone with whom you feel a connection and that the feeling is mutual. Until then, go out and have fun.

CutiePie2000 · #38 12-06-2006, 09:23 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlphaFrog

I agree. My husband and I didn't even speak the same language when we started dating, but there was still that "something" there. I could see it in his eyes.

You spoke the "Language of Love", baby. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Quote:

Originally Posted by AchtungBaby80

How many? One.

Same here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scandia

There are very few good men left......If he does want biological children for sure, I WILL have to let him go. But otherwise, I cannot think of anything else.

I wouldn't say that there are "very few good men" left. There are men who are newly single, being that they are separated or divorced; I think of these guys as "recycled". When I was in my 20s, I thought I would never date someone who is divorced, let alone divorced with kids. Now, I am doing just that (and he is a gem). From your MySpace page, I see that you are 29, therefore, at this age, you are going to start to encounter guys who are divorced/separated, etc.

My point is, if you do not want to have children & fear disappointing or rejecting someone because they want children, you may wish to be open to dating divorced dads. Some of them may not necessarily want to have *additional* children. (although the kids will be in his life on weekends, etc....not sure how you feel about that). That could be a possibility.

I also saw that you would like someone to be your paladin...(yes, I had to look it up)

1 : a trusted military leader (as for a medieval prince) - a bit of a tall order for a guy...a lot of pressure
2 : a leading champion of a cause - a guy who is supportive and is "your champion"...yeah, that sounds pretty good!

eta: If you met on MySpace, I take it that this is a situation where this was basically internet dating? In my experience, you need to talk on the phone too, before you meet in person. If you communicate only via MSN or email or whatever, you can't get a good read on what they'll be like. I've met people in person where the email/MSN was good, but the phone call was "bad". It was bad to meet them in person also....they could not hold a conversation.

Scandia · #39 12-07-2006, 07:59 AM

You see, I would very much prefer someone who is as inexperienced as I am, to put it nicely. I am very very much avoiding divorced/widowed/experienced men, as well as parents. I have certain morals, and would prefer someone who shares and follows them as well. I just don't feel comfortable with the situation.

See my concern about the few good men? See why I usually go for younger men? I want someone with a similar experience level who shares my moral values about this.

While I would feel comfortable with say, someone's little sibling or niece/nephew coming to live with us, I do not think I could deal with someone who has children- especially if there is the whole custody/visitation scenario.

Now you see why I genuinely tried so hard with this fellow.

bichonl · #40 12-07-2006, 10:45 AM

Scandia,
You should really think more positively about your situation. There are plenty of "good men" left. You may have to do a lot more negotiating than you thought. Don't settle for this guy! You will drive yourself crazy if you try to get into a relationship that lacks a certain chemistry. When I was in graduate school, I had two short term relationships that lacked a certain "spark". With the first guy, I had NO physical attraction; we remained friends and that didn't even work. The second guy and I were so different that I practically drove myself nuts trying to make it work. I couldn't even be friends with the second guy because he was just so wrong for me.

Very rarely is it easy to remain friends with someone you dated... even if "dated" means going on a handful of dates. Only once in my adult life have I beel able to be good friends with someone I met through an online dating site (the onion/spring street networks).

I wouldn't say a divorced man is necessarily bad. People enter marriages for really wrong reasons- thankfully, he left when he did. (If he cheated on her, that's different. If she cheated on him, I don't blame him for leaving.) While it is hard, you can't really fault someone for being widowed. I'd say stay away from separated guys until the divorcer is final- but that's just what I'd do.

Additionally, people have had great luck with match and eharmony- give 'em a shot! Keep us posted!

bichonl · #41 12-07-2006, 10:48 AM

Scandia, what do you mean by "experienced"?

tunatartare · #42 12-07-2006, 10:48 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Scandia

You see, I would very much prefer someone who is as inexperienced as I am, to put it nicely. I am very very much avoiding divorced/widowed/experienced men, as well as parents. I have certain morals, and would prefer someone who shares and follows them as well. I just don't feel comfortable with the situation.

See my concern about the few good men? See why I usually go for younger men? I want someone with a similar experience level who shares my moral values about this.

While I would feel comfortable with say, someone's little sibling or niece/nephew coming to live with us, I do not think I could deal with someone who has children- especially if there is the whole custody/visitation scenario.

Now you see why I genuinely tried so hard with this fellow.

You don't want your first time to be with a virgin. At least one of you has to know what you're doing.

33girl · #43 12-07-2006, 10:52 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KLPDaisy

You don't want your first time to be with a virgin. At least one of you has to know what you're doing.

Even that doesn't help sometimes, trust me, LOL.

bichonl · #44 12-07-2006, 11:01 AM

I agree with KLPDaisy and 33girl, one of you has to know what to do. Don't write them off just because they've had sex.

AOIIBrandi · #45 12-07-2006, 02:52 PM

You do have to have feelings for him or the whole thing won't work. I will caution you that by 29-30 it is going to be pretty difficult to find many men who have not had at least 1 or 2 sexual experiences (I assume this is what you mean by being more experienced than you), so you are already starting with an extremely small pool. I understand you have extremely high morals and values, but you are never going to find a person that you think is absolutely perfect, they will always disappoint you. You may find by throwing out your "list" you may find the one guy you are meant to be with.