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12-05-2001, 11:26 PM
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GreekChat Member
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Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 72
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When your best friend isn't Greek...
Does anyone else have this problem?
My best friend (as well as 1 of my 3 roomies) isn't greek and it seems as though she resents the fact that I'm so close with all of my sisters. It's like she thinks the bond her and I have is kinda "disrupted" by the bond I have with my sisters. She also get's these crazy "mood swings" when I spend a lot of time with my sisters...like she'll just stop talking to me for a while. You all know how much time recruitment, greek week/events, just sorority stuff in general takes up. I've even missed out on some great events with my sisters to spend time with my best friend. Can't she see I still love her the same as I did before I became Greek?
Ugh, I don't know what to do. I don't want our friendship to become affected by any of this!
What am I suppose to do?
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12-05-2001, 11:57 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Williamsburg, VA
Posts: 335
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I can sympathize. My best friend is not only non Greek, hes anti-Greek. Thing is, Im pro-choice and hes pro-life. Im tall, hes short. If your Greek affiliation is causing problems, be sure to remember that youve done nothing wrong by going Greek, and that if shes willing to treat you differently, shes got the problem, not you. Im sure a true friend will realize this soon enough and everything will be cool...
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12-05-2001, 11:57 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2000
Posts: 1,495
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A lot of people are going to be tempted to say, well if she doesn't understand then why does she call you her best friend? But personally, I think thats unfair. It is hard watching someone you know and love spend less and less time with you even though you love them the same! Basically none of the friends i have known since high school are greek, only 2 guys from home are here, so trust me when I say I know what youre going through. You have scheduled events with your sorority and I'm sure she feels left out - why don't the two of you sit down and schedule your own stuff together - like go out to dinner one night, rent a bunch of your favorite movies for a mini movie marathon for the two of you, go shopping, make sure you keep her up to date on all your "you" gossip - treat her like you would treat your sisters, beucase in my opinion, my best friends are my family. Maybe you should sit down and have a talk with her - remind her that no matter what, she will always be your best friend - and nothing is going to change that. Does she have any desire to go greek? maybe you can bring her with when you hang out with your sisters? Good luck with this hun!
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12-06-2001, 03:02 AM
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Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: Pullman, WA
Posts: 843
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Right now I feel so incredibly lucky. I had never ever thought about going greek when I came to school, and when I did, my best friend was there, also going greek. She and I went from being best friends in high schiil, to college roomates, to living right across the ally (wow, could that have worked out better??) and my other best friend is a in Kappa Kappa Psi (band fraternity) and a service frasternity as well, so even though he might not be social greek, he understands how much it means.
If you and your friend are having some problems, set aside a time to just sit down with her and talk. Explain that you aren't giving up your friendship, but you would love her support as you enter this next chapter in your life. Reasure her that she'll always be #1 in your book, but you want to be able to have this special experience too.
Like IowaHawkeye suggested, set aside one night (or more) a week to have dinner and catch up. I do it with my best friend and no matter what kind of tests we have, it's always nice to have those couple hours where you can just release, relax, gossip and catch up. It means a lot to both of us that we put everything down to have that time together.
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12-06-2001, 10:58 AM
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Join Date: Apr 2000
Location: America by birth ~ Georgia by the grace of God
Posts: 2,996
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Sorry to hear about the trouble you're having with your friend, DGPledge. You didn't go into a lot of detail about her... Is she a friend from high school? How long have y'all been buddies? What kind of person is she? Shy or extroverted? Quiet or outgoing?
From what you've said, it seems as if you've tried to make time for her when possible, but she wants more. Has she made new friends since she's been in college? A lot of times, people come to college and cling to their high school friends as a kind of "security blanket" because they have a difficult time getting out and making new friends.
I'm not saying that pre-college friendships should be erased the minute you set foot on campus -- I'm just saying that everyone needs to actively look for new relationships and activities once they get to school. You did that by going through Rush, and look at all the new people that you're surrounded with! Your friend needs to do the same. Maybe Greek Life isn't for her, but there are hundreds of clubs on campus that she can explore, and I'm sure there are several she would enjoy if she would just get out there and look.
College is all about new experiences, which can sometimes be quite intimidating. If your friend is a little shy, then encourage her to get involved in campus activities, where she'll be able to meet new people and find her own "niche", so to speak. Emphasize how important (and fun!) extracurricular activities are, and suggest a couple of clubs or groups that you think she would enjoy based on her tastes, which I'm sure you know since y'all are such good friends!  Maybe offer to attend the first meeting of a club with her if she's apprehensive about doing it herself, just to get her foot in the door. BUT make sure that she understands, although you love her dearly, she has to be her own person and not rely on you for companionship 24/7.
I hope this helps a little. Like I said earlier, I don't know the background on your friend, so I may be completely off base with my theories. This advice is just based on some situations that I dealt with while I was at college, and it may not apply to you and your friend.
Good luck! Please let us know how things are going!
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12-06-2001, 02:05 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: near charlotte, nc, usa
Posts: 441
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It can be hard......
It can be hard to have a best friend who is extremely busy, no matter what the reason.
Example: You come in and your best friend is getting dressed up- obviously for a party. You ask, "What's up? Where's the party?" And she replies- "Oh, you can't go, it's only for members of my sorority."
It's the middle of the afternoon, and your best friend is getting ready to go play an intramural game. She says - only XYZ can play on the team. You are told that you can come watch, but she will be with her sisters and won't be able to hang with you.
You come in after an afternoon class, and ask your best friend if she wants to go get some ice cream. She says that she is going over to the chapter room to do something with her sisters. You don't see her again until after dark that night.
A person can start to feel that they are not wanted, in the way, of little importance, and left out. It is not intentional, but that doesn't change the feeling the person has about the situation. The suggestions about getting her involved in other clubs, encouraging her to Rush, making time for her, are excellent. If your sorority is not socially exclusive (non-sisters can hang out during casual situations) then ask her to come with you as much as possible. She is feeling that she is not important to you anymore, and that can make her feel less inclined to branch out on her own. Give her support and encouragement.
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12-06-2001, 02:59 PM
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Join Date: Jun 2001
Location: Northern VA & Pittsburgh PA - GO STILLERS!
Posts: 1,894
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I know exactly how you feel... one of my bestest friends in the whole wide world, who is basically a member of my family, is very anti greek... she wont even come visit cos I am living in my house. Yet my other best friend I met through my sorority. Things are tough, but I know Ill get by. I try to make the anti greek understand, and she does sometimes!
__________________
FSS*TBS*BSF*GSS
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12-06-2001, 03:06 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: S. Florida
Posts: 1,038
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I had this problem when I first went through Rush. The girl I was closest to on my hall (we'll call her G) decided not to rush, while my roomate and suitemates were extremely pro greek! So i ended up rushing and esp. during pledging G started to get more and more angry with me bc I was never around or had all these new people to hang out with. I tried to get her to understand and then tried to include her but my new sister's weren't crazy about her bc she was so negative about being greek. She and I had decided to live together our sophmore year, and did for about a week and then I moved into the AZD house bc I just couldn't stand her negativity.
Funny thing is.... Later that year she joined a colonizing sorority and started dating aguy in a frat.
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12-06-2001, 06:25 PM
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Join Date: Sep 1999
Location: Vancouver BC, Canada
Posts: 610
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I feel extremely lucky - my bestfriend and I have known each other since we were 7. After we graduated we both went to UBC. I had been planning on rushing since I was 16 and my bestfriend came along. She really enjoyed the experience but wasn't interested in joining a sorority. She has, however, always been supportive of my role in the Greek system. She always comes out to parties with me and when I had sorority events that were open she often came out - she really liked my sisters and vice versa. My decision to be in a sorority has not put a strain on our friendship which has so far lasted for 16 years!!
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12-06-2001, 09:53 PM
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Join Date: Jan 2001
Location: California
Posts: 72
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Ok, thanks to everyone who replied!
Well my best friend and I have been best friends for 3 years now. We met in college, she lived right across from me freshman year in the dorms. Sophmore year we decided to live together and we have been since.
Here's the thing, we'd literally be together 24/7...if we weren't together we knew exactly where the other was and with who. We had the exact same friends! So when I went Greek it was drastic change to our "always being together" days.
Someone mentioned about making time for her, and I do. But I don't like tell her in advance cuz then it seems like "..oh let me see if I can fit you into my busy schedule.." ya know? And about telling her all my gossip...it really sux cause now I feel as if I can't tell her anything because she doesn't know anyone I'd be talking about (whom I met through being Greek), so I feel as if it wouldn't interest her. Where as before I went greek and we had the exact same friends she knew exactly who I was talking about, so she'd WANT to know about the "gossip".
And yeah, it's like the only people she hangs out with are the people from the dorms we met freshman year, she hasn't really met anyone outside of that. By telling her to join a group or something I'm scared she might take it as "..you need some friends!"
TCSparky, described the perfect examples...that is exactly what happens and I feel bad about it. Like when I'm getting dressed to go out and don't tell her, I don't tell her cause I don't want to seem snobby-ish about it "...Oh, I'm going out...". I hope I'm making sense here.
I feel bad about making her feel "left-out", once and a while she will hang out with my sisters and I...but then she'll say how she feels out of place. She's thought about going greek but has never actually done anything about it. She also see's everything as a whole "Animal House" type of life. I'm tired of defending greek life to people, and she of all people who knows me so well should know that is not what it's about.
Right now I think we're okay, but a week ago we hadn't talked in about a month! And we live int he same house! I don't understand her one bit.
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12-07-2001, 10:49 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: somewhere in richmond
Posts: 6,906
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My room mate isn't greek either. He always leaves on the weekends. Usully visits friends at other schools, but i guess he goes home too. I made him sign up for rush though.
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12-08-2001, 01:53 PM
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Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 362
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Hey DGpledge~ My best friend has done the exact same thing. We've known each other since we were eight and we both transferred to a new school together. I decided to rush since I didn't know anyone at my new campus, and when I got in she just changed. She act mad and never talks to me anymore. It's like she resents the fact that I am happy and really close with my sisters! But the funny thing is, when I told her about my pledge period she actually said that she wanted to rush, but she's completely changed. She never calls me and invites me out when our non-greek friends all get together and doesn't care how this makes me feel!!! Try to talk to her about it....I am going to see how this works! Good Luck, and dont' worry. Talk to your sisters..they always make me feel better!
_______________________________________________
"...to be womanly always, discouraged never..."
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12-08-2001, 03:03 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2001
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 643
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I know how it feels to have a best friend that isn't greek. I was the only one out of my circle of friends from high school that chose to go greek. My friends were cool about my decision but at times it seemed like they resented the fact that I didn't have much time and didn't get to see them as much. It really caused a problem between my friend Kayla and I. During high school we did everything together but when I joined my sorority she acted like she wanted nothing to do with me. So I sat her down and we talked things over. She honestly felt that I didn't want to be friends with her now because I had made so many more friends through my sorority. She definitely felt left out when I would talk about us going out and having a good time. So you know what I did? I introduced her to my sisters. I also made sure to involve her when we were going out or going to eat or anything like that so she wouldn't feel left out. She's now gotten to know all of my sisters that I'm super close to and she's one of the gang basically. I do make it a point though to do things with just the two of us here and there. We go shopping, go to the movies, go to lunch. Just quality time so we can reconnect.
I hope that you and your friend will be able to work things out. Definitely make sure that you let her know that she's still your best friend and that nothing could come between y'all. Best of luck!!!!
Allison
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12-08-2001, 05:13 PM
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Join Date: Sep 2001
Location: behind the reference desk
Posts: 519
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This was exactly my situation in college-my best friend and I picked our college independent of each other, and I decided to go Greek and she didn't. I found it really helped if we set aside time to hang out, just the two of us, maybe with some of other other friends (both Greek and not). She knew I was busy, that I had made a committment, but she knew I loved her just the same and we made the effort to stay close. Even if it's just a weekly dinner or coffee date, making time for your non-Greek friends makes a world of difference.
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02-08-2002, 04:50 PM
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Join Date: Aug 2000
Posts: 1,495
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we've been having informal rush parties and stuff lately, plus with dance marathon and school i've been really busy lately - my non-greek friends aren't happy about this and think i'm totally ditching them, which i'm so not. so i get online today, figure i might be able to catch one or two of them between classes and Beth, one of my best friends immediately puts up this away message:
hey how you doing? Listen, it sucks to have to be the one to tell you this, but you didn't get a bid to talk to me on IM today. You were really really close, I mean a lot of people came online today and you missed by a few votes. Dude, it was a really tough bid meeting, and a lot of girls just didn't know you. I even stood up and spoke for you. So be sure to come out and rush my screen name again later today. Everybody wants you to. I mean, we all really like you, you just didn't get in this year. Promise you'll still come party with us though.
ok, at first i laughed, then i was like, she's making fun of me!!!!! i mean what can i do - i already have two groups of friends - greek and non greek. i had to choose between living in the house or with 3 sisters in an apt or in a house with nongreek friends from highschool - i always have to pickwhich group to go out with on the weekends - ugh why cant they all just get along!!!
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