Selling Parents to Allow Sorority Membership

AXiDTrish · #1 09-20-2005, 03:42 PM

Hey Guys,
I have a NM in the chapter I advise whose mother is not cutting the apron strings....AT ALL! I mean is on the phone minutes after the girls classes end to see if she's on her way home. Doesn't want her daughter out after like 8pm on a Friday night, etc. Must give permission before the girl is allowed to do about anything. When it was offered that the NM could spend the night with a sister on late evenings, the mother asked if the sister was a "dike."

I've never used or spelled that word before so I'm not sure is it's right. Talk about shocking though!!!! I mean, my God!

Over the summer parents letters were sent out and information about campus sorority life (money, time constraints, everything) was sent to all PNM's. The mother met the sisters during Orientation days and was given the entire speal. Mother said she could join a sorority and the NM was thrilled. Now she's making it so hard the girl is thinking about quitting just to get mommy-dearst off her back. The chapter literally meets one day a week....that's it. If there's an event it's on that day. They have no house, no chapter room. I barely have to worry about risk mgmt. Hell, there's 9 of them in the entire chapter!

Daddy has no power in the family....mom wears the pants. However, he is excited that the NM is meeting girls and has people who want to hang out.

I know mom's have a hard time letting go....my mom did, but she would have never stopped me from pursuing an activity like a sorority. Any advice from other mom's or dad's out there????? Help!!!

WCUgirl · #2 09-20-2005, 03:55 PM

Okay, that is BEYOND allowing her daughter to be in a sorority. That is a mom not allowing her daughter to live her life.

I've been noticing more and more lately that today's parents are just way overprotective. About every little thing.

Is this the NM's first semester in college? Maybe her mom just needs to get used to the idea that her daughter is capable of taking care of herself.

Either way, it sounds like something this NM needs to work out on her own. Encourage her to not quit by not talking bad about the mom, or making comments about, "I don't understand why your mom won't let you do this..." -- just let her know that you'll be there for her whatever happens. The last thing you want is to make her feel that she has to choose between the sorority and her mom.

Kevin · #3 09-20-2005, 04:01 PM

Let me get this straight. The mother is contacting your group's leadership to tell you what to do?

You actually pay attention to what she says why?

Her daughter actually pays attention to what mom says why?

For her mother's manipulation scheme to work, she has to be a willing participant.

Lindz928 · #4 09-20-2005, 04:04 PM

Does she still live at home? Because if she is, then I would say that move number one should be for her to MOVE OUT. If the university has dorms, that is where she should be. Especially if she is a freshman.

I promise, if this mother keeps her daughter on such a tight leash, she will never learn the kind of independence it takes to make it on your own in the real world.

Unless this mom wants her daughter to live at home and have to take care of her forever, then she needs to let go and trust her daughter to have the common sense of a woman.

Ok, that really doesn't help YOU at all, though. I'm sorry.

I do agree that this is something that the NM has to deal with. I think that being in a sorority will HELP the situation. I think maybe she should point out to her mom that she is capable of making some decisions on her own.

Lindz928 · #5 09-20-2005, 04:05 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ktsnake

Her daughter actually pays attention to what mom says why?

Probably because mom is paying for it. I have seen lots of people who feel trapped into doing whatever mom and dad want because they are the ones who pay for college and living.... And they threaten to stop doing so if son or daughter does something that they don't like.

AXiDTrish · #6 09-20-2005, 04:06 PM

The mom isn't telling us anything....one small good thing.

We pay attention because she daughter (1st yr) is a NM and is contemplating quiting b/c momma is riding her butt so much.

Daughter paying attention....yeah, I had started to stand my ground at 18, but she lives under mom's roof and you know what that means.

She's been a willing participant this long.....I'm not going to tell her her this b/c it's not my place, but I think it's time to break the cycle!

aephi alum · #7 09-20-2005, 04:22 PM

I'm not a mom, but I am the daughter of two parents who had a lot of trouble letting go when I went to college. My folks fought me on everything from joining a sorority to religion to dating (they wanted me to have a doctorate before I ever dated

).

A lot of parents have trouble making the transition from "I'm the mother/father and you will do as I say!" to "I really don't think that doing X is a good idea, and here's why, but it's ultimately your decision."

For a while, my parents and I did the "don't ask, don't tell" thing. What finally worked, though, was a firm, "I am 21 years old. I am an adult and I have been an adult for over three years. I really do appreciate the advice you give me. But, ultimately, I have to make my own decisions in life, and sometimes I'm going to make a decision that you disagree with, but it's what I feel is the right choice for me, and if I'm wrong, I will accept the consequences. This is my life, not yours."

Maybe it's time for this NM to sit down with her mother and have a similar conversation. Today it's the sorority; tomorrow it will be a job, or relocating to a new city, or going to grad school, or getting married. Hopefully it won't take her 3+ years to work up to this conversation like it did for me.

A dark thought: Is the NM's mom holding money over her head, i.e., "Do as I say or I'm not paying your tuition" ?

ETA: I've just seen your post that this NM lives at home. I must agree with Lindz - she must move out, otherwise she will never learn to be an independent young woman and will remain mommy's little girl.

Tom Earp · #8 09-20-2005, 04:28 PM

First off, Mom is A Real Trip, well amybe over protective to say the least.

This Girl is going to have to make up Her own mind at some point in time.

Maybe, Mom from Hell doesnt realize the benefits that Her Daughter can learn from being in a Sorority.

Can You talk to Mom and explain or is that a No No?

I also figure Mom want a Greek or wouldnt even be asking so many questions. Also, who is paying Girl or Mom? Might have an impact.

Basically, this NM is going to have to make up HER mind one way or the other!

adpiucf · #9 09-20-2005, 04:32 PM

The number one thing is this: Don't judge or criticize her family to her or in front of the collegians.

This is her battle. Let her make the decision.

For the future, keep doing what you're doing. Send informational packets home to the parents with a personal letter from the Big Sisters. Invite the parents of member to special pre-recruitment Preview Weekends and invite everyone to Family Weekends during the school year.

If the member wants to get out from under her mother's thumb, she needs to do it for herself.

If you get overly involved, you'll get hurt, and the mother has the potential to make hell for you and the chapter. Don't let that happen.

Be sympathetic, be supportive-- if a sister knows of an open housing situation or parttime job, let that sister recommend it to the NM. Hold NM programming on homesickness, self-respect, self-accountability, etc.

Know that this is an atypical parent.

Tom Earp · #10 09-20-2005, 04:48 PM

Two good points of thought.

Of course being a Guy and doing on my own may make a difference.

Do tread lightly and send things Moms way to let Her know what Sorority is doing.

Maybe this NM will finally make a decission if she hasnt already.

AXiDTrish · #11 09-20-2005, 05:01 PM

The sister who is the most frustrated is her almost big sister who at 18 told her parents I'm going into the military...deal with it. Definitely night and day in terms of personality types. I've taken the opportunity to tell her that the NM has to work this out with her parents on her own. There isn't anything we can say that will make the light bulb turn on. There is a family/friends event in about 2 weeks created to introduce parents to each other and allow a Q&A time for advisors and parents. Luckily, I'm well practiced! Although I could definitely use a little backup (calling AlphaXiGirl!)

Ultimately though, the NM and mom have to compromise at the very miniumum. There's nothing any of us can do but let them work it out. It's a sad scenario though.....in college, but not IN college, y'know?

paulaKKG · #12 09-20-2005, 05:09 PM

It may not be as easy as the NM being able to tell her mother no; she may not know how.

I strongly recommend someone hand her a copy of an Adult Children of Alcoholics self help book. The mother may not be an alcoholic, but her controlling behavior has the same effect.

Given "Mommy Dearest”s controlling ways, this individual will need lots of support, and possibly therapy, to learn how to live independantly. But she will have to reach that conclusion herself.
You can show her the door, but you can't walk her through it.

It is possible that the sorority could provide an invaluable network for her; it is also possible that membership in the sorority will only re-enforce her adherance to her mothers' will. The best you can do is to support whatever decision she does make.

AGDLynn · #13 09-20-2005, 08:54 PM

Trish, I'm familiar with the school, lol,

If nm is living at home, it probably isn't that far away from school so to mom, and nm to a degree, this is just as if she transferred to another high school.

Nm does need to have a talk with mom and say that I love this and this and this about the sorority. For one thing, it lets me experience new things with people that I feel comfortable sharing with that has my best interests at heart and wouldn't allow me to get into a situation that I shouldn't be in (take that drink away, lol)..

I think that as the mom gets to know the chapter members, she should fill better about letting go.

If things don't improve, then the nm may quit and always blame her mom for letting a terrific opportunity go bust.

((On a side note, I misread the title and thought it said Parents Sellling Sorority Membership!!))

Taualumna · #14 09-21-2005, 12:44 AM

I know parents like that.....I live with them....when I was in first year, I told my dad that I was going to try out for cheerleading. I spent half an hour on the phone with him trying to convince him that I was going to go ahead, no matter what. He was worried that I was going to hit my head and get some sort of concussion. I was like, so? It's not like I'm going to get in, because I didn't cheer in high school nor do I have a gymnastics background. I wanted to try out for fun (this was for cheerleader in the marching band. There was no way I was going to try out for competitive cheerleading)

BabyPiNK_FL · #15 09-21-2005, 12:50 AM

I really feel for this girl. I have a secret to avoid my mother's anti-sorority speeches... SHE DOESN'T KNOW! It's worked so far and I have a great presentation w/ pictures for when I feel the time is right. I send my shirts to wash at my boyfriends house and thankfully I live at the dorms so she can't be here all the time. I love my mom, but she doesn't know anything about sororities so who is she to judge??