Advice? / Vent :)

AOPiChrissie · #1 10-21-2001, 10:49 PM

Hi everyone!! I kinda need to vent and some advice could be helpful... so heres the deal.. I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years.. at some points it got kinda rocky but lately things had gotten really good. Well last week I found a letter that he had written to a girl back home saying that "the next time I come home, if someone won't find out.. wink wink" So I figured he was cheating on me and called things off.. well he explained that it was a misundersanding so I stupidly forgived him! I joined AOPi about a month ago and we had a first exchange with a fraternity that is not his, and I calle dhim whne I got home from it and he stormed into my house screaming about how i am a slut and probably hooked up with tons of guys at the exchange and what not ... he called me a lot of names! Then he crossed the line...he shoved me up against a wall. Now here is the part I could use some girl advice on... I still want to call him and say I am sorry and make everything better..I know that what he did was wrong, but i feel like it was my fault.. even though i did not do anything with anyone, I didn't do anything to piss him off. So , any ideas on how to keep my mind off of him and my hands off the phone? I know i don;t deserve to be treated like this... Sorry this is long and full of drama

thanks!!

greeklawgirl · #2 10-21-2001, 11:10 PM

Chrissie,
What he did is called assault and battery. Shoving you up against a wall is completely unacceptable. That sort of behavior is exactly how domestic violence/stalking begins.
If anyone should be apologizing profusely, it should be him, not you. I wish you would consider leaving him permanently, in addition to filing a report with the campus police.
Please feel free to pm me if you would like to talk.

Alpha Gam Love,
GreekLawGirl

TechAPhi · #3 10-21-2001, 11:14 PM

My advice is: Don't call. Just don't do it. If he'll shove you once, he'll do it again--and maybe worse. Nobody. And I mean NOBODY ever deserves to be abused by their significant other. Run far and fast from this guy.

Please report this incident to the police (even if he didn't hurt you--he might next time). Get whatever help you need. Talk to one of your sorority sisters, a trusted friend, a professor, or a campus counselor. Refuse to be victimized and treated badly, and, above all, DROP THIS LOSER!

Jen

damasa · #4 10-21-2001, 11:17 PM

I agree...if he shoved you against the wall, what would stop him from not doing it again in the future? That is definately a man you need to break things off with, no matter how long you've been together, it's not respectful on his part.

d

The1calledTKE · #5 10-22-2001, 12:05 AM

Yep I agree with everyone dump the guy. If he pushes you once he will do it again.

James · #6 10-22-2001, 12:44 AM

Look I'm a boy, and I am not directly your friend, so let me be sound mean for a minute without apologizing for it.

How pathetic can you handle being? Imagine if everyone had to know your business. Would you want to have to stand in front of hundreds of people and tell them how bad your relationship is and how he put his hands on you but you are taking him back anway? I mean that would feel stupid. The whole crowd would boo you.

Also, what advice would you give your friend if she was in that exact situation? Wouldn't it be kick that baggage to the curb?

I am also a firm believer that if you put up with abuse you come to merit it. So if you decide to stay and the relationship gets worse or stays bad, you surrender the right to annoy your friends with your problems. Why? because you already know the answer to your problems so you should free their time up to give advice to people that might actually listen and want to help themselves.

The reason I am being so harsh is I because most people will answer in a supportive way.

And for all of you out there that are constantly supportive of your friends or sugar coat your advice . . . all you are doing is it making it easy for them to destroy their own lives . . . kick em in the ass rather than stroke their hair over matters like these.

As far as keeping yourself ffrom calling him. turn your ringer off and your answering service on . . . and plan dates with your friends as often as you plan dates with him . . in advance. don't call him . . which part of ex don't people understand? Every time you want to call him make yourself call a specific friend that you will tell in advance what is up.

Stop being a victim, If you can't handle a small thing like dropping a boy friend that will cheat on you, lie about it, humilaite you in front of your friends, and then put his hands on you . . . you probably won't be very successful in life and please don't have children that you will teach this low self esteem stuff to and so screw up their lives also . . .

Of course you can just stop talking to him and all this becomes null and void . . . good luck

DeltAlum · #7 10-22-2001, 02:09 AM

Nobody "merits" abuse.

Other than that, James is absolutely right.

Nobody "deserves" abuse either -- physical or otherwise -- but if you call this guy, you're offering him an opportunity.

Lose this bum.

TigerGirl52 · #8 10-22-2001, 02:45 AM

I see so much of myself in you. I have been in your situation. I have had guys treat me that way and then I feel like it is all my fault. You DO NOT deserve to be treated that way. He obviously has serious problems that you can't help him fix. Please do not call him and say you are sorry. You did nothing wrong. Please do not take him back because chances are he will apologize profusely and sweet talk you. But then the cycle will continue. He will go back to treating you like crap and making you feel like everything was your fault. Like greeklawgirl said...this is how domestic violence starts. It's all one big ugly cycle. I should know...I grew up witnessing that cycle. Please talk to your friends or someone you trust. As I said before you do not deserve this and you need to stay as far away from that guy as possible. Get out and do things with your sisters or become involved around campus if you're having trouble keeping your thoughts off of him. If you ever need to talk please feel free to PM me.

Allison

amycat412 · #9 10-22-2001, 02:55 AM

Please please please--heed the advice given by everyone here and walk away.

I've been in this situation too--and believe me, it will just escalte from there--and no matter how strong you are, if you keep being subjected to abuse it will break you and turn you into someone you don't even recognize--I speak from experience, and the road back to your true self is a long and hard fought one.

You are in a great place--college, greek life-- to meet all kinds of guys. Please find one, or ones, that are respectful and deserving of you and leave this jerk behind.

There is NO good excuse for his behavior and PLEASE trust me, it WILL get worse if you stay with him. PM me and I w ill share more with you--but I've been there and it started in much the same way and the things I endured, I would wish on no one. Get Out Now!

Amy

ees125 · #10 10-22-2001, 07:41 AM

I like some of the other women in this thread, have been in this situation...I spent too many months making excuses for his bahvior to my friends and myself. Because I did not walk away when it all began, the cheating, the lying, the pushes and shoves, etc I set myself up for it all even more. He knew he could get away with it with me. It took a long time for me to get past that relationship (if it can even be called that), and there are still times it comes back to haunt me. Everyone is right. Walk away, and the sooner the better. You are a bright young woman who has a wonderful life at college and in your sorority ahead of you...don't let a jerk like this ruin that!

AOPiLaLa · #11 10-22-2001, 03:09 PM

Hey there, AOPiChrissie! First of all, as one of your sisters, I hope that you can find the strength within your chapter to get rid of this guy---I know I had to use my sisters big time when I got rid of my jerky ex! But also know that you have some extended sisters right here, too! This guy is so not worth your time and you need to realize how strong, amazing, and wonderful you are and how much better you are without him. My suggestion is to throw yourself into an activity and give it everything you were giving him. And stay away from the alcohol(not that I even know if you drink) but as someone who is a NOTORIOUS drunk dialer, I realize that when I am sober, I make MUCH better decisions on my love life! Hope this helps and feel free to PM me!
Tons of Alpha Love,
Lesley

moe.ron · #12 10-22-2001, 03:12 PM

take him to a talkshow and then introduce him to your "new boyfriend" the Marine. Then watch the Marine open a can of whoop ass on national tv. He might get the message then.

SigkapAlumWSU · #13 10-22-2001, 03:30 PM

I agree fully with what everyone has already told you: Drop the jerk.

No one deserves to be treated badly, no one dererves abuse.

It's a hard thing to walk away from, but with help (sisters, friends, family.. whatever it takes) you can do it!

aephi alum · #14 10-22-2001, 07:02 PM

Don't walk away. RUN away. This guy is trouble. He needs some serious anger management counseling - but unless and until he gets it, you don't need to be in the line of fire.

File a complaint with the campus police, even though you weren't hurt (I presume you weren't?) - that way, if he comes after you again, there is documentation of what happened.

You say he "crossed the line" and you're right. Leave him NOW.

AOIIBrandi · #15 10-22-2001, 08:22 PM

This sounds like something I went through right after I pledged too. The difference is my ex wasn't physically abusive, although he did stalk me, break into my dorm room, and do other creepy things. I got through it by letting some of my sisters know what was going on. They were very supportive, and made sure that I didn't try to call him and go back.

Everyone has already given you the best advice in the world. Break up with him and DO NOT look back. Next time it can and will be worse. Put everything you have into an activity whether it be AOII or something else. When you are ready you will meet someone better, and wonder what you ever saw in the other guy.