DE-Pledging: Should I?

[newnameforme]

I'm currently a sophomore student at Cornell University. I'm transferred to Cornell in the Fall of 2006 and did Spring Rush this past January. I'm currently in the process of pledging a fraternity on campus but I am not liking it very much and I am considering de-pledging. I don't feel close to anyone in the house or my pledge class, the house itself is pretty run down and in bad condition, our mixers haven't been great, and I don't feel connected to the people or the house in general which is most important. Most of my friends who are pledging now absolutely LOVE their houses and I do not feel like this whatsoever. The problem with de-pledging however involves a couple of things. I have canceled my on-campus housing for next year and so if I de-pledge I will need to find a place to live off-campus next semester. Secondly, being that I am a sophomore now and will be a junior next year, I will have a difficult time finding a house to accept me during Fall Rush. Cornell holds a Fall Rush specifically for sophomores and upperclassmen, however the only houses that participate are those houses who did not reach their quotas and are very low on the social ladder. The chance of a junior getting a bid is extremely low however it isn't impossible. I honestly don't know what to do. I've put a lot of time, effort, and have gone through hazing for this current house and I don't know what I should do. Any advice would be great? Thanks.

[UGAalum94]

Well, you just have to ask yourself if you'd rather not be greek than be in the group you are pledging. If the answer is yes, then drop, and you can try to rush in the fall, but if it doesn't work out, you will still be happy with your decision.

If the answer is no, then you've got to decide whether you like the group you are pledging now better than the groups you are likely to get a bid from. You also need to consider whether those groups will hold your de-pledging against you, which probably varies a lot from campus to campus and chapter to chapter.

People who have recently been at your campus could provide the best information.

Good luck!

ETA: Is it really too late to get on campus housing for next year? Would you rather live in the run-down house or deal with finding a place to live?

[susan314]

That's a decision that only you can make.

2 things jumped out at me from your post though:

1) the comment about hazing: that's not something that should be happening

2) the mention about your concerns about the chapters who might participate in the upperclassman rush being "low on the social ladder": You said that I don't feel connected to the people or the house in general which is most important, but your other comment leads me to believe that your concerns about the "social prestige" of your fraternity might be at least equally important to you as "feeling connected to the other guys." (Not criticizing you for that - everyone has his/her own priorities when it comes to what they want from their prospective chapter - just trying to get a more clear picture of your objectives.)

Anyhow, I don't think you should go through Initiation in a chapter that doesn't feel right to you, but its also hard to know from your post whether you have given the chapter a fair shake. (You know what they say "you get out of it what you put into it.") Let's assume for the sake of argument that you have made every effort on your part to get involved and build relationships with the other pledges and active members. In that regard, you need to look at your options in comparision with what your priorities/goals are...one thing to think about - how much does being a member of the Greek system mean to you? If you depledge and don't get a bid from another house in the Fall, will you feel like you missed out on a part of the college experience that was important to you? (Plenty of people go through college without joining GLOs and have enjoyable college experiences. However, if you're determined to be part of the Greek system, its something to consider.)

P.S. General question to everyone - are there other campuses where fraternities have "quotas"? That's completely new to me. On all of the campuses I have been involved with, fraternities seemed to have pretty wide latitude as to how many pledges they wished to accept in any given semester. I guess I always assumed that fraternities were a whole different breed in that regard - not obligated to all the quota/total requirements that sororities are.

[newnameforme]

In response to those comments:

1) I definitely do want to be part of the Greek system.

2) And the comment about "low on the social ladder." Most of the houses that do Fall Rush are "low on the social". I visited these houses during Rush and I did not connect with any of them. So me de-pledging has nothing to do with social status.

[AnatraAmore]

Go with your gut. If you really are feeling that you haven't connected with other members (and not just that you're feeling left out right now), then think twice before going through initiation. OTOH, think about the fact that you might not get a bid from another fraternity in the fall and you may remain independent for the rest of your college career. It's not an easy decision, but it sounds like you're having some serious doubts - so maybe you already have a good idea of what to do...

[newnameforme]

You see that's my problem. I want to be part of the Greek system without a doubt. However, my chances of getting a bid in the fall is very small because I'm a junior. However, it is not impossible. Secondly, I'm not connecting with the people in my house. I am really conflicted as to what I should do.

This is a piece of advice that I gave to a woman who had a similar issue when she was going through recruitment, she took my advice and in the end went on to work with our IHQ and still volunteers with AGD.

Joining a fraternity is a life long commitment. People will come and go from the chapter over the few years you are on campus, what matters most is the organization itself. Take a look at their creed/purpose/moto/value statement. Does it fit with you and your beliefs? This is what is important. You will be making a commitment to these ideals and they should match who you are and what you achieve. Knowing you belong and fit with the brotherhood/sisterhood as its whole will make each day of your collegiate expereince worth it.

[EE-BO]

Forget about the mixer quality, condition of the house, your chances of pledging somewhere else and what your friends in other fraternities say for the moment. They are things to think about- and I will get there next, but first the big issue.

If you do not feel connected to the chapter as you state, why is that? That is the question you have to ask yourself. Here are some questions to consider in really asking yourself why. I am not asking you to post the answers- but just consider them as you make up your mind,

1. Are there particular pledge brothers that you do not get along with? If so, how many?
2. Same for actives. Are there any that you think might be making you not like the house? If so, how many?
3. How often are you at the house? How many days a week? How long are you there?
4. When you go to the chapter house, it is always because you have to be there or do you ever go just because you want to? How about your pledge brothers? Do they spend more time at the house than you?
5. When you go to the chapter house just to hang out, are you treated differently than when you are required to be there? If you have pledge brothers who spend a lot more time at the house than you, do you perceive they are treated differently by the active members than you are? If so, how and why?
6. What are your goals and social plans in college? Does the time you spend in the fraternity fulfill or accentuate those goals? Does it prevent or hinder you from achieving some of your goals?
7. What did you expect of fraternity life when you rushed? How is what you are experiencing different from what you expected?
8. Why did you pledge this fraternity? Figure out the 3 real reasons you pledged and what you expected. How is what you are getting reflective of or contradictory to what you expected when you took your bid?

I think those are some examples of the questions to ask yourself. I never really asked myself those things since I really took to my chapter from day 1 and it never occurred to me to leave. So I am not saying that being in a fraternity requires all this deep thought.

However, I ask those questions because I know from experience those are the kinds of questions that will give someone in your position the answer.

And once you have some better ideas about how you feel along these lines, then think about things like mixer quality, pledging somewhere else and all that other stuff.

It is too easy to let things like that make a decision for you- when they are really things to think about after you know how you feel about the chapter itself in terms of the friends and brothers you will have (and like family- you don't always have to like your fraternity brothers, but you can trust them.)

On a final note, if you can afford it- just disappear for a couple of days to sort all this out.

I was president of my pledge class, and so I was knee deep in hard work from day one. I never questioned whether I wanted to be there, but I do remember one week where everything was just getting to be too much to keep up with.

So I rented a suite at the best hotel in town, took room service for every meal and literally sat for 3 days and just put together a puzzle and played solitaire. It was a long weekend of mindless tasks as I sat in total isolation and comfort and just let my mind wander.

To this day I do that periodically. Anytime you face a big decision in life or find yourself overwhelmed, there is nothing more effective than removing all of life's distractions and letting your mind wander without any structure or plan of what you need to do. It is the best way to quickly figure out what you need to do.

Hope this helps.