How to Soothe This Pain???

[GaMom]

I am soo not this person - meaning normally, I don't post to message boards. In fact, I've never done it before, so if I break any rules or protocols, I'm so sorry. I'm just a heart broken mom looking for answers.

I want to make it clear that everything you read here is accurate and honest. Otherwise, how could I expect honest help from you all. Our daughter went through Rush at UGA last week, and we are still reeling from the experience. I wasn't in a sorority in college. I had no preconceived notions about them. We have only lived in GA - right in a surrounding county of Athens - for 10 years. Our daughter wanted to Rush, so we supported it.

She's one of those "whole package" kids: Honors and AP classes, great g.p.a., scholarships to both University of Louisville and Indiana University as well as UGA, three pages of activities and volunteer'isms (literally! we really had a hard time cutting things out to fit on the one page Rush registration form), very well liked, and, of course, stunningly beautiful - blonde hair, green eyes, the whole nine yards.

She knows a couple of girls in each of the sororities, some more than others. She had wonderful letters of recommendation for most of the houses. She wore very nice dresses, shoes, accessories, etc - name brands everyone would recognize (which absolutely kills me to mention). After round one she had several "favorites", but loved her experience at all the houses. She truly felt welcomed at each house and with one exception, that she had really made a connection with all the young ladies sent to interact with her. At the end of round one she struggled to rank the houses.

Round Two: She was very excited to get her invitation card on the morning of the second round. To her disappointment (you knew this part was coming), she had only three invitations for second round. She was still very interested in the three remaining houses, but obviously feeling pretty rejected. After we talked on the phone that morning, she picked herself up and headed out. That evening, she ranked the day's house visits as one, two, and three.

Round Three: There was no round three. She received a call from her recruitment counselor that morning letting her know that there would be no need to come to Rush that day, as she had been cut from the remaining three houses.

She was devastated, is devastated, and because she is in so much pain - so am I. All of her friends from our county received 8 to 12 invitations to round two. All of the girls from our county received bids on bid day except four and one of those declined a "snap bid" (I think that's the term). So actually three girls from our county did not receive a bid at all. My daughter was the only one cut so drastically. She managed the courage to keep her name on the open bid list, but nothing has materialized to date.

I spent two days with her after she was cut. She is a level-headed girl with a great sense of identity. She was everyone's go-to girl in high school. As I said, well-liked and successful, and she has had her share of disappointments and handled them well. She could put things in perspective. But, this has been more than she can process - cut by all 18 sororities in two days when her visits had seemed to go so well!

She wasn't holding out for any particular group, she had no preconceived ideas about the houses, and as she always does in all areas of her life, she didn't judge any of the groups by labels or the rumor mill. She would have been happy to have received a bid from any of the houses.

In reading some of the threads about UGA rush, am I understanding that of the 1300 girls participating, 900 of them recieved bids? She and I are both struggling so hard to make sense of what has happened. I have given her the talk about "it just being about getting the numbers down, etc.", but she hasn't been able to accept it. She knows that several of the girls from our county who received bids don't have her academic, work, and volunteerism record, nor do they have her outgoing personality. They weren't legacies either. She's convinced that something went wrong.

I don't want this to sound like "sour grapes" or a "my kid can walk on water" speech. We're a well grounded, realistic family with two well grounded, realistic kids. Our daughter gets grounded, receives an allowance, does chores (even now - when she's home), etc...

What do I tell her at this point? Her Rush experience was so completely different from that of everyone she knows - all of her hallmates, friends, and other acquaintances. How do I help her?

I'm so sorry for the incredibly long post. Has anyone else had this experience? How do I help her get over the overwhelming feelings of rejection?

Thank you, GaMom

[carnation]

GAMom, please check your private messages.

[KSUViolet06]

I can totally see why you're hurt, she's your child and you can probably not fathom why a group wouldn't want your daughter to be a part of their sisterhood. And that's ok.

From what you say, she's very accomplished. For alot of girls, this is their first real experience with rejection. They've succeeded at EVERY SINGLE thing they've ever decided to pursue. Then they come to college, want to rush, go though, and get cut. It's very heartbreaking for them because they don't understand why they were so successful at everything, but didn't get a bid at rush.

Just be there for her. Listen to her cry, Be an open ear. Eventually, this hurt will pass. She'll get into her classes, meet friends (even guys), do other fun stuff, and things will get better.

[Zillini]

It's stories like this that absolutely break my heart. I wish I could give you some reasons why it happened but I can't. All you can do is be the loving Mother you obviously are and be there for her. Life does go on.

Jocelyn was right too, for many young women this is the first time they have ever not gotten something they set their mind on. While it's little consolation now, in the long run hopefully it will make her a stronger person.

Above all, I hope she (and you) does not become bitter towards the Greek system as a whole because of this disappointing experience.

Sending you and your daughter my best wishes.

[violetpretty]

I have to give you daughter credit for even trying to rush at a cut-throat school like UGA. It must be crazy when you have 1300 perfect candidates. I know sororities at my school would be fighting like ravenous wolves over this PNM.

[Scandia]

Sounds like my experience at UF. I was in a very similar position- except that I was the class nerd in high school, and while I am pretty and dress well, I sure am not the beauty standard (I have dark hair and eyes- I'm Mediterranean). UF was just as cut-throat, if not tougher.

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's experience. I hope she tries again next year.

[proudmom]

Okay, I just did a quick search. UGA has 25,000 undergrads and ~20% of women are sorority members. The numbers are a little less for guys but let's assume 20%. So roughly 80% of the student population is NOT Greek which means your daughter is in the company of 20,000 other students. That's a lot of non-Greeks. And there are (according the UGA website) over 500 clubs to become involved in. In other words, there is life after not getting into a sorority.

Now I do not mean in any way, shape or form to diminish your pain and your daughter's pain. I have been in a similar position and I complete and totally understand how much you and she are hurting right now. I feel very, very badly for you both. There is no alternative but to pick yourselves up and keep going. (It might also help to stop comparing to the others from your county). You don't know why she wasn't picked and why someone else was and you won't ever know.

You're being a good supportive mom and giving her what she needs right now: a safe place to be.

I believe that the best way to make it in to a sorority - particularly the second time around if she decides to re-rush (and I have no idea how hard it is for sophomores at UGA) is to know a lot of girls already in the house. She sounds like a wonderful girl with a lot to offer the school and I'd encourage her to get out there and get involved.

The pain will be tough to take but it will definitely lessen over time - I wish you both good luck.

[_Lisa_]

Originally Posted by Scandia

Sounds like my experience at UF. I was in a very similar position- except that I was the class nerd in high school, and while I am pretty and dress well, I sure am not the beauty standard (I have dark hair and eyes- I'm Mediterranean). UF was just as cut-throat, if not tougher.

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's experience. I hope she tries again next year.

I'd say it has more to do with your odd habits & hobbies.

[kddani]

Originally Posted by Scandia

Sounds like my experience at UF. I was in a very similar position- except that I was the class nerd in high school, and while I am pretty and dress well, I sure am not the beauty standard (I have dark hair and eyes- I'm Mediterranean). UF was just as cut-throat, if not tougher.

I'm sorry to hear about your daughter's experience. I hope she tries again next year.

I really hope that GaMom's daughter will not experience and hold on the same bitterness that you seem to harbor.



GaMom, i'm sure it will be tough, but there is SO much out there for her to explore her freshman year. If anything, this may open her up to opportunities that she may not have noticed if she was tied up in the sorority experience. Pledging a sorority is very time consuming- not only with mandatory events, but even just the desire to hang out with the new sisters. The sorority can consume their life.

I hope that she uses this as an opportunity to see where life takes her this year. I didn't pledge my freshman year (granted, I went to a northern school with a fairly small greek life), and I'm very happy that I waited until my sophomore year. I had the chance to get involved in a lot of activities, and get to know women in the various sororities. Young women change and grow up a lot in college, and I think having time to digest it all and try to figure out what kind of person they want to be is NOT a bad thing.

Who knows? She may decide sorority life isn't for her and getting cut was the best thing to happen to her. Or she may decide that she really wants to give it a try again.

She may have been intimidated, because as has been said, there are just SO many fabulous young women going through rush at these schools. There are so many girls that were the big fish in the little high school pond, and then they're all dropped together in the ocean (cliche, I know). And that takes some adjustment. And it may have made her shy or a little unsure of herself. Of course, we could conjecture forever.

Bottom line is that she WILL get over it and I truly hope she finds other things to sink her time into. Being in a sorority IS a wonderful experience, but there are so many other worthwhile things to get involved in while in college as well.

[GaMom]

No, definately not bitter. I know some wonderful women that are products of UGA's Greek system. In fact, two of them in particular have have been so wonderful to us this week. I don't know how they manage Rush week here. They are well known members of this community and write several recommendations for Rush every year - they are both from very well known sororities. One is an alumni coordinator during Rush, and the other's daughter rushed this time with mine. Yet, they have both been amazingly warm and comforting. What an awful position for each of them to be in, having to comfort a friend who's daughter was cut so early when one had to witness so much painful cutting at the house, and the other's daughter got her first choice. These women have tender and generous hearts.

Thank you for your kind and comforting words. I do have another question. Isn't it only proper for my daughter to send notes to all the women who wrote letters on her behalf, and if so, how does she phrase this?
Thanks, GaMom

[adpiucf]

While a follow-up to the women who wrote her recs is greatly appreciated and something she should do (esp. if she may go through recruitment a second time and need to secure new recs for the next recruitment cycle), but she may want to wait a week or so until she is feeling back to being normal.

She should phrase it in her own words, but something along the lines of:


Dear ALUMNA,
Thank you so much for your kindness and time in helping me secure sorority recommendations. While recruitment did not end as I'd hoped, I'm very excited to be attending UGA and plan to get involved with campus life! This semester, I have a full course load and I'm living in a dorm with some wonderful girls. I love the school! Thank you again for all your help. While sorority membership is not in the cards for me at this time, I hope for a future opportunity and would like to stay in touch with you. Wishing you all the best.

Sincerely,
GADaughter

[Munchkin03]

Originally Posted by GaMom

Isn't it only proper for my daughter to send notes to all the women who wrote letters on her behalf, and if so, how does she phrase this?
Thanks, GaMom

Yes. Any rec writer would appreciate any news--even if it isn't the best news!

adpiucf's draft was great! A week or two does help, but she should definitely send something, even if it turns out she doesn't go through Recruitment. Writing recs is a long process, and us alumnae like to know how things turned out--no matter what.

Best of luck to you and your daughter.

[AnchorAlumna]

GaMom,
I am so sorry that you and your daughter are having to go through this (and please ignore the idiots who are trying to hijack this thread). My daughter went through the same thing, and we didn't understand why...but to tell you the truth, there is probably no answer to that. With 1,300 women going through, things are crazy, and sororities that HAVE to whittle down their invitations use the most ludicrous reasons for cutting.
The good news is that she is eligible for COB now, or for spring informal recruitment later. She can take her time to get to know people, get involved in a couple of activities, give her studies the attention they deserve. And if she is later invited to join a sorority, it's icing on an already scrumptious cake.
My daughter did join a sorority, her first choice, about a month after formal recruitment ended.
And the truth is, she recovered from the hurt WAY quicker than I did.
Things WILL work out.

[honeychile]

AnchorAlum makes a wonderful case, and I wish I had said it myself. One of PNMs for whom I wrote a rec two years ago was in the identical position,
"the whole package" girl, cut by the third round. Now, this wasn't an SEC school, but it was a similar one, so since there was no room for COR, she decided to remain friends with the women she met in her Rho Gamma group. She met them for lunch or dinner, scheduled her classes with them, and planned movie nights for them. Sure, there were times when one or the other couldn't make it - but they all stayed friends, even over the summer.

So, when she went through recruitment as a sophmore, with an excellent GPA and desirable activities, she already had a friendship base with the other sophmores in her former Rho Gamma group AND several other sisters. She had an amazing schedule for a sophmore, and got the bid from her first choice (which she said was a very hard decision!). Best of all, these women are still all friends!

GaMom, if I could wish one thing for you, it would be that your daughter finds the very best way for her to ease her pain. I hope you convey to her the many women on GreekChat who would love to hug her and let her know that it will be alright! You, as a mom, are awesome!

[Rollergirl2001]

GaMom, please check your PM box.

Giant hugs to you and your daughter, and yellow flowers.