I need sisterly advice... sorry; this is REALLY long

lauren1874 · #1 05-18-2005, 11:12 AM

Edited since I can't delete the thread...

Honeykiss1974 · #2 05-18-2005, 12:17 PM

.....to just give you a hug ((((lauren))) because I know this is a tough time for you emotionally right now.

Sorry for crashing ladies.

SigK_Bama · #3 05-19-2005, 01:48 PM

Oh, hon {{{{HUGS}}}}

First of all, I just need to say that I understand what you mean about lying and how it sometimes comes out so easily but in reality, it feels terrible and there are really no answers as to why you lied in the first place. I can empathize with trying not to hurt someone by doing something you think will shield them, I believe we've all done that. I did that with my husband - flat out lied about stupid, pointless stuff that would have been no big deal had I just told the simple truth. He's very sensitive, for a guy, and it really bothered him. Your fiance sounds similar, and with his nasty divorce that might be holding him back from wanting to trust you 100% because he's afraid of getting hurt again.

It really takes a conscious effort to think about what you're going to say rather than lie, and I swear I'm not bashing you. He has plenty of reasons to love you, and that he does. Trust needs to be built up over time. I agree that he probably wouldn't be moving full steam ahead with the house and future plans if he didn't expect to spend the rest of his life with you, but temporarily, he's really hurt. If he's anything like my husband, he needs extra love, support, affirmation and a promise from you that you'll follow through on that you will not lie about stuff. I have been in your situation before. It sucks. But you'll pull through.

Hope this helps, we're here for you.

_Lisa_ · #4 05-19-2005, 02:54 PM

I've been thinking about your post for a little while now. I read it yesterday but wanted to really give it some thought before replying.
Your boyfriend sounds super sensitive in regards to this situation & the past divorce may have a lot to do with it. Instead of saying that your lies were for no reason you need to dig deep within yourself & find out what the real reason was. Subconsciously there has to be some reason why you lied to him in the first place. It doesn't even have to be a big reason or even a valid one. It could be as simple as you were afraid that he may think you've had contact with your ex-boyfriend when you really hadn't. Whatever the reason, you need to identify it & then share it with him. Just telling him that you lied & not why you lied is going to leave him more confused & hurt. He needs to understand how to communicate with you in an open & honest manner as well as you do with him. Think about it, if you aren't comfortable telling him something so insignificant now how could you possibly envision your future together?

Sometimes little white lies are needed, such as when they ask about their new haircut or shoes that we hate. But you've got to weigh your choices before you say the lie. Was it worth it if he ever finds out the truth?

BetteDavisEyes · #5 05-20-2005, 12:43 AM

Oh Lauren. I am so sorry you're going through this right now. All I can offer is that you give him the space he needs. As for the house, that's a decision you're going to have to make as a couple b/c you don't want to buy the house & God forbid something bad happens. These little white lies may seem harmless at the time but they can fester over time. I told my fiance some little white lies while we were dating but as things grew serious, I had to fess up. I completely understand when you say that it feels terrible. It is the most awful feeling to have.
I guess lucky for me, he knows me so well that he knows when I'm lying b/c apparently, I'm terrible at it. That's a good thing in a relationship but bad when calling in to work b/c you go see Star Wars.

Anyway, I hope things work out for you sweetie. Keep us updated.

BetteDavisEyes · #6 05-20-2005, 10:07 AM

YAY! I just knew things were going to be o.k. From the way you describe him, he is a sensitive man but also a generous one. I think the both of you are very lucky. Keep us posted k?

BetteDavisEyes · #7 05-20-2005, 05:42 PM

If you can't bitch, moan, cry, & complain to your sisters, who can you count on?

BetteDavisEyes · #8 05-25-2005, 04:32 PM

That's so sweet. He sounds like such an amazing man.