SFs, A question/scenario for you...

AKA2D '91 · #1 06-12-2002, 10:10 AM

You are interested in organization DEF. You have entered college, establashed friendships/associations with many on and off campus. You and your friends/associates enjoy your campus life via parties, extracurricular activities and the like. While learining your friends/associates, you notice (subconsciously) that SOME of their ways, their demeanor is NOT acceptable, yet you really do not express your concern.

Fast forward to preparations for seeking membership into your organization of choice. You hear through the grapevine that you would be a viable asset to the organization, but there is concern that since you associate with "Jane" and "Jane" has an "negative image" (AND YOU TOO KNOW THIS), that you too could also behave negatively. "Birds of a feather flock together"

What would you do in this situation? How would you handle the situation?

OhSoVeryLadylike · #2 06-12-2002, 10:45 AM

I actually know someone who rumor has was not chosen because of something like this. I personally feel that while the old adage Birds of a feather flock together may very well be true I also find that in many, many cases this does hold true. Some people are friends because of some commonality they share, not because they simply enjoy ALL the same things and share the same behavior. Example: some of my friends are a little more rambuctuous than I am, but I feel that THEIR behavior should have no bearing on MY personal merit. They are MY friends, my organization of interest does not have to associate with them any than they want to.
And what one person may find to be negative behavior may not be to another so who is anyone to judge, especially when you are judging someone else based on what THEIR friends are doing.

If I rambled forgive me it has been a long two days.

AKA2D '91 · #3 06-12-2002, 10:58 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by OhSoVeryLadylike
I actually know someone who rumor has was not chosen because of something like this. I personally feel that while the old adage Birds of a feather flock together may very well be true I also find that in many, many cases this does hold true. Some people are friends because of some commonality they share, not because they simply enjoy ALL the same things and share the same behavior. Example: some of my friends are a little more rambuctuous than I am, but I feel that THEIR behavior should have no bearing on MY personal merit. They are MY friends, my organization of interest does not have to associate with them any than they want to.

And what one person may find to be negative behavior may not be to another so who is anyone to judge, especially when you are judging someone else based on what THEIR friends are doing.

If I rambled forgive me it has been a long two days.

I highlighted, now italicized (edit) that to PLAY DEVIL'S ADVOCATE:

1. It is the person or persons who are holding that persons (Jane's) fate in their hands, so yeah....THEY CAN JUDGE. Their decision is the ONLY decision that matters.

2. If you are going to play the game, know the rules, right or wrong?

(again, devil's advocate)

HumbleHeart · #4 06-12-2002, 11:21 AM

I would try to address the rumor with the sorority members if I had such a relationship with them to give my spin on the situation. For example, I had an RA come to me to nip a situation in the bud ith a younger African-American female that lived on another floor. Apparently, she was being very LOOSE and engaging in extrememly risky sexual behavior and word was getting around.

So after meeting her through him, we exchanged numbers and began to hang out every now and then, then we would get together for lunch and/or dinner and she began to open up to me. What I found out was his young woman was having problems coping with college life, being away from home and issues going on at home. I begin to help her through these issues as well as others. Needless to say her negative behaviors changed into more positive.

While perception is everything, is anything ALWAYS what it really seems? Had I thought so much about myself that I didn't associate with her, she may/may not be the person she is today....and that was nine years ago. She eventually became my apartment mate throughout the remainer of my college years. We still speak frequently and have kept in contact through at least 10 moves between us.

Don't we all have friends/assocaites that could learn from us? Sometimes those that befriend us can be MIRACLES in making us a better person.

OhSoVeryLadylike · #5 06-12-2002, 12:39 PM

It's easy to say what I said from the outside looking in. I am sure if I had to make a decision I would view ALL aspects of the applicant's life. But as an outsider I also feel that why you (in general, the decision-makers) dictate how I should live my life. Am I to give up my friends just because they may not be who the organization feels I should be friends with? Am I to let others choose my friends? Just because I want to be a part of something they probably have no interest in.

I agree with Humbleheart in part because some people need each other. And if I stop being friends with someone because of what I want to be, what if it turns out to be a mistake.

pretty_girl82 · #6 06-12-2002, 06:46 PM

Plain and simple......Here's the truth. I don't get down with people who have bad reps, especially if I see it for myself.

Hey you all.......I missed ya

. Back in school now

FeeFee · #7 06-13-2002, 11:12 AM

While I was in college, and even now, my circle of friends and I shared basically the same moral ideas. We had our share of extracurricular activities and parties, but we never had to worry about our reputations because we always carried ourselves in a decent manner. Growing up, my mother always told me to be mindful of the company that I keep regardless of what you want to do in life!!!!

CJUS · #8 06-13-2002, 02:23 PM

I agree with pretty_girl82. I have have never hung out with people with bad reps. That's not my cup of tea. Never had...Never will

tammy- · #9 06-14-2002, 02:25 PM

I am going to be honest...... I go for the gold. I will not backstab anyone but if my loose associates were keeping me from attaining my goal- I would probably cut them loose. You are who you hang out with and people will and DOOO judge you by your associates.

Look at it this way...
(1) would you take a noticible protestitute or a gang banger to a business metting with you if you were dating that person. It could cost you your job.

We ALL have images to uphold and you have to choose which image you want to protray to others... I would not associate with anyone who had a bad rep anyway....

cricket · #10 06-14-2002, 02:48 PM

Hello all!

I have to also play devil's advocate here. I think that TRUE (ie: no backstabbing, lying, deception etc.) friendships are rare and hard to come by, so I wouldn't ever cut one of my friends loose because others perceived her to be a certain way.

I have a great friend who had a reputation on her because she was naive as a freshman and made a few poor choices. It never even occured to me to cut her loose. She'd always been there for me whenever I needed her. People were always shocked that we are such good friends because we were so different, but I carried myself in a way that people knew what I was about, and I'd like to think I could show the members of DEF what I was all about too.

Also, if we're worried about someone making us look bad, where do we draw the line? Would we stop being friends with someone unattractive because they might make you look ugly? Would we stop being friends with someone with a learning disability because they make us look dumb?

techie_girl_44 · #11 06-14-2002, 03:42 PM

Speaking from experience, I would cut them off. Period end of sentence, paragraph, and story. My roomate at my first school was "loose" (that's being nice about it). She was a pretty cool girl otherwise but I could NOT be associated with that. We had it out when I told her that and she went and moved with her other "loose" friend. There were a lot of people I met my first year of school that turned out to have...questionable morals. Slowly but surely they all got cut off. However nice a person they are, if their actions and/or morals are so bad that they have a earned a negative image, I don't need to be associating with them anyway, regardless of the org. I'm interested in.

HumbleHeart · #12 06-14-2002, 06:08 PM

I am sure that if each of us choose to nitpick we can find some less than desirable characteristic in our friend, our mate, etc. (or at least I think I can)! I am also sure we have had a friend who had a reputation that they didn't necessarily "earn." for example, how many times have we heard of someone being "stuck-up" because they had a light complexion? Or what about those folk who are "shy" that are christened with "thinking they are CUTE." I am sure I can name MANY more but you all should have the idea by now.

I said all of that to say, we all have a reputation that proceeds us , whether we've earned/deserve it or not. We all have behaviors that are less than perfect! However, I am not usually one that wouldn't address unhealthy behaviors of my "Friends." I would also like to think that they would address my shortcomings in the same manner.

As I said before, I would address the situation. If these woman "know" me as well as thye should from my interest in the organization and my reputation from campus, their would be NO doubt that "my friends behaviors" are not my behaviors. If these ladies cannot differentiate between my merit in their organizaion and my friends then maybe this isn't the time for me to become a member.

If I continue, to change the elements of myself which make me "HumbleHeart," would I still be me? If I change who I am, who I am Friends with and any other thing asked of me, will that be enough for DEF? Will DEF be enough for me?

Jody · #13 06-14-2002, 11:19 PM

I think that there is a difference between hanging out with someone that always wears sweatsuits, which some fashion divas view as a crime! and someone who engages in behavior that is in direct conflict of one's moral values.

We all have to make decisions about what people we will interface with. To tell oneself that my roommate steals but I'm still her friend because she is a nice person, is naive.

tammy- · #14 06-16-2002, 11:30 AM

Everyone has a decsion to make but remember! I think it may be a rare case that NOP will look past it......

Can loose friends be trusted? I have cut off quite a few people whose morals were not up to par... Either you become your friends or your friends become you! I judge people by the company they keep.

Quote:

Originally posted by AKA2D '91

I highlighted, now italicized (edit) that to PLAY DEVIL'S ADVOCATE:

1. It is the person or persons who are holding that persons (Jane's) fate in their hands, so yeah....THEY CAN JUDGE. Their decision is the ONLY decision that matters.

2. If you are going to play the game, know the rules, right or wrong? (again, devil's advocate)

RedefinedDiva · #15 06-16-2002, 02:10 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by cricket

I have a great friend who had a reputation on her because she was naive as a freshman and made a few poor choices. It never even occured to me to cut her loose. She'd always been there for me whenever I needed her. People were always shocked that we are such good friends because we were so different, but I carried myself in a way that people knew what I was about, and I'd like to think I could show the members of DEF what I was all about too.

I have to agree with Cricket on this one. While in undergrad, one of my best friends was a little "caught out there." However, I stuck with her. Why, one might ask? BECAUSE SHE IS MY FRIEND! To this day, she is like my sister. I had a problem with the things that she was doing, but it's her life. All I did was speak my peace and carry on.

Of course people are going to judge you by some of the things that your friends do. However, I don't think that should keep you from trying to attain your goals. I also don't think that you should abandon friendships because members of DEF don't approve. Sometimes you have to weigh your options. What means more to you?