Newbies, we're on to you: the Newbie thread primer and checklist

[tld221]

Newbies, we're on to you: the Newbie thread primer and checklist

It bugs me that many Newbies dont read the stickied threads that could immensely accomodate their time here on GC. Maybe, if they read this, it can be some inspiration to, you know, not post asinine stuff?

Ok here goes:

Newbie creates username. Popular names will include:

• full organization name (or initials, or the actual greek symbols if theyre that clever)
• school names (or nicknames, or initials)
• colors
• emotions
• numbers (typically birthyear or three numbers in a row)
• newbie's actual name or nickname

Upon creating username, Newbie is one of three things:

• Totally new to GC, which means they do not know the GC culture, including topics discussed, types of responses to expect, how to search threads, etc. They have their trigger finger ready to hit "send" on whatever their situation is. These tend to be posted in: XYZs forum, Sorority Recruitment, Greek Life (hereafter referred to as "the Three"). These Newbies make up ~60% of the population.*
• Has "lurked" on GC for "a while" (which could be as short as a couple of hours as a result of a Google search or as long as... years even?) and the cup of burning desire to post a question or comment has runneth over. This "lurking" can lead to a false sense of "familiarity." They've read a few past threads, and spent some extra time in the Three. They might've checked out the search function. They might even have found a thread that answers their question(s). But maybe not, for Newbie's situation is unique and requires its own 15 minutes of GC fame. I'd say ~35% of Newbies fall here.
• Is looking to literally "Greek Chat." They are looking for Greek friends, looking for Greek translations, or other things related to Greece. While it is a fine country, many a GCer will tell Newbie "it's not that type of Greek Chat." ~5% of Newbies fall here, and are mentioned here not only for statistical data, but for stating the obvious and mild comedic effect.

*These numbers do not account for general trolls, Nike sneaker spammers, ritual exposers, Ebay pin sellers, helimoms, pseudo-retro rush thread aliases, uneducated sexist/racist ranters and Newbies with e-EQ. These numbers fluctuate depending on the time of year.

So, how do you know you've got a newbie thread/post?
1. Upon hitting the "New Posts" button, you spot a new thread. Look for key signs:

• keywords: rush/recruitment at XYZ school, reputation, recommendations, what if, quick question, the disclaimer "help!" or "need your opinions", "high school junior," "is it too late?" internet speak such as "OMGZ" and thread title ending with multiple question marks or exclamation marks, thrown in with some unintentional ones.
• # of views vs. # of replies: while i havent figured out the math on this, this can go one of two ways:
  
• a. # of replies = 0 < # of views: everyone's skimmed it and the post is too pathetic to even muster a snarky post.
• b. 0 < # of views > # of replies: GCers are responding with a wide range of intention: good, bad, and indifferent.
• timestamp/OP: did the Newbie even create this thread? oh wait, that thread looks somewhat familiar... right. Newbie just posted a response to a thread from 2001.
• crossposting: wait, didn't i read this already? yup, Newbie has ripped a page from Oprah's book: everyone gets a post! This epic thread has been created in the Three, and in Chit Chat for good measure. Bonus points if thread is created in Chapter Operations or Risk Management.
• spelling/grammar: and not a simple "i before e" flub (which is pretty bad), but just awful spelling and syntax. Bonus points for CAPS, bold, or colored or text tYPeD LiKe diS. if you have to read this post slower than usual, or worse off, read it out loud so it kinda makes sense, grab a seat because it's on.

2. Newbie, proceeds to describe their situation. phrases like "honest opinion" and "no rude comments" are expected. Newbie's "situation" is always a "situation." It's always unique.

3. GCers respond.

• well-intentioned/good advice posts. these posts answer the OPs question. they range short and to the point or long and meticulously detailed. if feeling generous, GCer will provide links to similar threads (ie. KSUViolet06, Senurset I)
• snark/sarcasm. these posts answer the OP but serve to mock the OP and get a rise out of fellow GCers. these posts may refer to jokes from old threads
• rant posts. these posts serve to express extreme dissatisfaction in the topic, especially if they are repetitive. rant posts are proportional to the quality of the spelling/grammar and perceived common sense of the OP.

4. Newbie responds.

• Newbie is pleased with responses. They thank those who responded, they might mention some other details as to their next steps, and keep it moving.
• Newbie is pleased with the "good" responses and not so pleased with the riffraff and scribblescrabble. responses can include "you guys dont have to be so rude," "i just wanted a honest opinion," and the like. Example
• Newbie is PO'ed and sets it off in the thread. Herein starts the checklist.

5. What follows?
--Newbie digs deeper hole by:
a. adding more details to OP
b. editing OP
c. deleting OP altogether
d. calling GCers out on being big meanies. this can be extended to outright insulting GCers for-gasp-making sense and calling them on their ish.
e. playing the "im a poor little newbie, why's everybody always picking on me?" card
f. threatens to "never come back to GC" because they "don't have time" to read old threads or put up with being a newbie (referred to as "the flounce"). this almost never happens. you're good for at least one more post from this Newbie before they ACTUALLY flounce. Example

--if GCers deem OP worthy of egging on this trainwreck, they will:
a. quote for posterity (QFP)
b. back each other up (this is a must. there will be an occasional regular who will stray from the pack. this is OK, because we've all got opinions and GC is here to feed the need of sharing them whenever and as often as we like. some of these GCers will, in response to "poor Newbie" card, will back Newbie up via PM with words of encouragement and such. this is supposed to help, but really just amps the OP up even more because someone is telling them their crazy is OK.)
c. ignore OP altogether and start conversations about other stuff, known as the off-topic tangent.
d. get on the soapbox about something slightly related
e. actually call the thread a "trainwreck" (though "hot mess" will suffice)
f. e-food will be created. Popcorn is standard fare, but can get quite creative.
g. GC will tell OP they should change their title/username in the name of discretion.
h. throw in a DITY? claim
i. throw in an Earpism (or faux Earpism)
j. reference a quote or word from past threads (ie. gooey buns, intimidated by my hotness, sequined pantyhose, ho be lookin like predator)
k. lane swerve by giving the perspective of how their organization/council does things
l. will refer OP to HPRL. the comedy is short and sweet and totally exists to confuse the OP even more.

I know i'm missing some stuff, and I actually want to reference particular GCers but i'm running out of steam.

[pshsx1]

Win.

[knight_shadow]

Originally Posted by tld221

ho be lookin like predator

Aaaaaaaaaaaand I'm through

tld221 FTW.

[LadyLonghorn]

This is a superb summary of the GC newbie posting syndrome. Here are a couple of additional suggestions:

1. Sub-classes of newbies should also include those who have been banned umpteen times yet continue to return like a bad rash. Special bonus points should be given to those who return to talk about how great their original incarnation was.

2. "Poor little newbie" responses should also include reference to the thousands of GC members privately supporting them via private message. Special bonus points should be awarded for any mention of being invited to a special friendly pony and rainbow inhabited wonderland.

[pshsx1]

Along with full organization, they may also blatantly point out that they're a Legacy.

And then post about it in The Three.

[BetteDavisEyes]

Originally Posted by tld221

h. throw in a DITY? claim
j. reference a quote or word from past threads (ie. gooey buns, intimidated by my hotness, sequined pantyhose, ho be lookin like predator)

*dead*

These are my personal favorites though the "ho be lookin like a predator" wins ALL!

[KSUViolet06]

There's also:

*Newbie who posts that she did a search but "didn't find anything." Even though she's asking about a highly discussed school like Georgia, UF, UCF. There is PLENTY about those schools.

[Psi U MC Vito]

DITY?

[minDyG]

Originally Posted by Psi U MC Vito

DITY?

Dionysus is that you?

[VandalSquirrel]

I would like to add to 5f (flouncing statements)
1) We're horrible examples of our organizations, we should be ashamed.
2) If this is how members of Greek organizations act, they will never join one.

[knight_shadow]

Originally Posted by VandalSquirrel

1) We're horrible examples of our organizations, we should be ashamed.

And that "mean" posters will be reported to I/HQ.

[VandalSquirrel]

Originally Posted by knight_shadow

And that "mean" posters will be reported to I/HQ.

I was going to mention someone would PM a moderator for our organization, but that's not newbies who do that.

Maybe we should just take it to FGS infinity.0 on facebook so people can get extra sensitive and e-thug?

[33girl]

Originally Posted by minDyG

Dionysus is that you?

To further clarify: Dionysus had a bit of a multiple personality problem back in the day. She's fine now though, and uses her powers for good, not evil. (Usually.)

tld221, you rock my socks.

[ForeverRoses]

Originally Posted by 33girl

tld221, you rock my socks.

ditto that

[Psi U MC Vito]

Originally Posted by 33girl

To further clarify: Dionysus had a bit of a multiple personality problem back in the day. She's fine now though, and uses her powers for good, not evil. (Usually.)

tld221, you rock my socks.

Ah. Thank you for clarifying.