What Not to Say to a Released PNM

[carnation]

I think that every year I know more and more women who are released from recruitment. They tell me what their Gamma Chis have said to them and I would like to address this. If you're talking with a girl who's been dropped,

1. DO NOT, unless she asks, say, "You can always be in student government," (or Residence Hall Association or so forth). She does not want to hear that. She wants to be in a national sorority with letters, a big sister, football game seating blocks, you know what I mean. Don't offer her something unsatisfactory.

2. DO NOT say, "Oh well, Greek life isn't everything." You're Greek and that sounds horribly patronizing coming from you. Also, at some campuses that's a lie because Greek life is a huge part of campus life.

3. DO NOT be dishonest about her chances of getting a COB bid or succeeding in rush next year. If you go to a school where COBing isn't done and re-rushing sophomores are automatically cut, tell her the truth. She may want to transfer and y'know, that's okay. That's very common in the South when women are released. Don't make fun of her for it.

I don't intend for this to turn into a South-bashing thread. I'm posting this because if I can help at least one brokenhearted woman by shutting up some patronizing recruitment counselor, then I'll be satisfied.

[FSUZeta]

good post carnation, and especially timely, with recruitment going full force. thanks!

[kddani]

and of course, don't say, "you can always AI!"

[dgdramadawg]

Thank God for this post.

[KSUViolet06]

* DON'T SAY THINGS LIKE "OMG those sororities suck so bad for cutting you, how DARE they!" As much as you think it will make the PNM feel better, you aren't in a position to judge them for cutting someone.

*DON'T automatically suggest a service fraternity. That goes in line with what Dani said about student gov't. They aren't a "substitute" for Greek Life. The experiences aren't identical. The young lady might not be looking for the type of experience they provide.

[SAIAlum]

Originally posted by JocelynC


*DON'T automatically suggest a service fraternity. That goes in line with what Dani said about student gov't. They aren't a "substitute" for Greek Life.

THANK YOU!!!!!

SAI, APO etc, ARE THEIR OWN GROUPS. They are not the same, and I'd be pissed if somebody told me they wanted to join SAI because they didn't get into a NPC group. It's not about the fancy letters, people.

[adpiucf]

Good posts. What are some things TO SAY?

[gatorgeneration]

Originally Posted by adpiucf

Good posts. What are some things TO SAY?

As a PNM that was cut from a big SEC recruitment just about a week ago, I can tell you there are very few things that can make us feel better. I told my mom a few minutes after I got that unwanted phone call from my Pi Chi, and a few hours later I had a delivery for some lovely flowers with a little note that said "Don't worry, there is something wonderful just around the corner. Love, Mom." It made me smile, but I was still rather upset for a few days. My friends, brother, boyfriend all said the things we don't want to hear:

"I never pictured you as a sorority girl anyway." "You'll make better friends somewhere else." "You can always join a club or a 'professional' fraternity." "I told you; you were probably cut because you're a sophomore." (this one obviously hurt the most)

But at least they were there for me, that's probably the best thing. Don't say anything, anything that has to do with Greek life. Go out to a nice dinner, indulge in retail therapy, or something that will get the PNM's mind off of recruitment. Give them a few days, maybe even a week, to be sad, and just be there for them.

If she's still determined to join Greek life (I still am!) then let her know she'll have a better chance at informal/formal recruitments if she meets sorority women, gets involved, and keeps her grades up, and gets those recs.

[DeltaBetaBaby]

Originally Posted by gatorgeneration

My friends, brother, boyfriend all said the things we don't want to hear:

[...]

But at least they were there for me, that's probably the best thing.

This is good advice, and the fact that your realize this is going to help you as people you love get hit with major life setbacks (serious illness, job loss, divorce, etc.). I know that getting released from rush sucks so bad right now, but it sounds like you are able to put it in perspective.

[SmartBlondeGPhB]

Originally posted by adpiucf
Good posts. What are some things TO SAY?

I'm sorry. What do you want to do now?

[_Q_]

It seems like occasional rejection or disappointment is a fact of life, though, and not being invited back is just one example of that. This doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt, just that everyone experiences it at some point in her life. A PNM who is dropped by all the houses might feel very alone. I might consider sharing a story about a time when I felt hurt and rejected, but ultimately survived. Maybe it would help to point out that the recruitment process can be sort of arbitrary. It doesn't mean that she's a worthless person, just that she might not have happened to meet women she clicked with, and the house may have been forced to release a certain number.
Although Greek life is very important to some people, the PNM probably has other interests and goals too. Maybe it would be possible to talk with her about what she genuinely enjoys, and help her find student orgs that match her interests. If rushing again is a realistic option for her, being involved would probably help her chances.

[PM_Mama00]

Originally posted by carnation
She may want to transfer and y'know, that's okay. That's very common in the South when women are released. Don't make fun of her for it.

Are you flipping kidding me? Girls transfer schools because they got cut from a sorority?

Sorry. I'd have to laugh at her for that. Education anyone?

[CarolinaCutie]

Originally posted by PM_Mama00
Are you flipping kidding me? Girls transfer schools because they got cut from a sorority?

Sorry. I'd have to laugh at her for that. Education anyone?

When you're talking about the difference between a state school in Texas and a state school in Alabama, and the girl in question is an Education major, Business major, Communications major, etc... transferring isn't really that big of a deal. I know it sounds silly- but people transfer all the time because they aren't HAPPY. And to some young women, especially at a huge Greek school where you ain't NOBODY unless you're in a sorority, happiness is defined by that elusive bid to their sorority of choice. Add to that any pressure they may be facing at home from their mother, grandmother, aunts, and cousins who are all XYZs and want desperately for little Suzy to be their official sister... it happens.

[honeychile]

Originally posted by CarolinaCutie
When you're talking about the difference between a state school in Texas and a state school in Alabama, and the girl in question is an Education major, Business major, Communications major, etc... transferring isn't really that big of a deal. I know it sounds silly- but people transfer all the time because they aren't HAPPY. And to some young women, especially at a huge Greek school where you ain't NOBODY unless you're in a sorority, happiness is defined by that elusive bid to their sorority of choice. Add to that any pressure they may be facing at home from their mother, grandmother, aunts, and cousins who are all XYZs and want desperately for little Suzy to be their official sister... it happens.

Seriously. We once had a freshman transfer in time to go ADPi, get initiated, then transfer to school in the South - where she was accepted as transfer sister. We later found out that she had gone to XYZ School, suicided ADPi, and didn't get a bid. Once she found out that she would have been the very next person on their bid list, she transferred to Pitt, etc. Frankly, I admired her ingenuity! She couldn't be an "official" sister at the Southern school until the next term (when someone was studying abroad), but it worked out well for her.

[Lindz928]

Originally posted by CarolinaCutie
When you're talking about the difference between a state school in Texas and a state school in Alabama, and the girl in question is an Education major, Business major, Communications major, etc... transferring isn't really that big of a deal. I know it sounds silly- but people transfer all the time because they aren't HAPPY. And to some young women, especially at a huge Greek school where you ain't NOBODY unless you're in a sorority, happiness is defined by that elusive bid to their sorority of choice. Add to that any pressure they may be facing at home from their mother, grandmother, aunts, and cousins who are all XYZs and want desperately for little Suzy to be their official sister... it happens.

Co-sign!!! I know it is hard for alot of people to understand, but it DOES happen. And I wouldn't laugh at someone for doing that. If it makes the difference between a young lady being happy with her college experience or unhappy, then what is wrong with it?