Mental Health and Taboo topics in OUR community

[Ideal08]

Do we have any on GC? If so, do you feel comfortable talking/sharing your experiences and how they've shaped the person that you are today? If you don't feel comfortable posting to the thread, please PM me.

ETA:

Here are some of my questions:

Have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting? How long did you contemplate it before actually going? Did you feel comfortable? Could you relate?

What made you realize that you were codependent?

Have you read any books on the topic? If so, which ones?

Did you seek therapy?

Are the alcoholics still in your life? How do you deal with them as adults? Do you have a new family of your own? How does it affect relationships with your new family?

How do you think it affects your non-romantic relationships?

As you can see, I'm full of questions. Like I said, I TOTALLY understand if this is not something you want to talk about on a message board. Trust me when I say that it was hard for me to even come to terms with any of this, let alone post it on here. But y'all know y'all are kind of like my Online Help Group (I'm thinking of Fight club right now). I needed to come to GC with these questions, because I realize that things tend to affect Black people differently; however, I didn't find any books that directly related to Black people. I did buy a few books, but I'll share that later.

[ladygreek]

Ideal08,
I think it is great that you are posting this here. These are the kind of topics that we as Black folx need to be more open about discussing.

My parents were not alcoholics but it seems damn near everybody else in my family was. I did attend some Al-Anon meetings to support a cousin with whom I was living at the time. And I have seen the destruction in families behind this disease.

I hope you get some good feedback on this.

[librasoul22]

My father.

He and my mother divorced when I was very young and he moved out of the state when I was a teenager, but before then if I was with him, 9 times out of ten, we were going to an AA meeting.

The only thing I could really relate to at the time was the whole one day at a time philosophy. I was too young to grasp why people in AA clung to each other so hard, but now it is much easier to understand.

Ideal08, if you have any questions that you don't wanna ask publicly, you can feel free to PM/IM me.

[1savvydiva]

I don't have any first hand knowledge, only second hand experiences. My paternal grandfather struggled with heavy drinking for years after he left the army. He was verbally and sometimes physically abusive to my father and uncle. This alienated them from him, (more my father because he was older). Then my mother and father met, and she became pregnant with me. When my grandfather realized that he would be a first-time granddad, and my father said that he would never get to see me if he remained a drunk...he got sober. I always liked to hear my grandmother say that I saved the family He hasn't taken a drink since about 4 months before I was born, and he is STILL after all these years, very active in AA.

My grandfather goes to meetings at least 1-2 times weekly, and some of his AA friends are actually like 2nd family members to us...even some that happen to be caucasian. When my grandfather was sick, they would sometimes come to his house and have meetings there. The comraderie is amazing.

My father and grandfather still have their issues, mainly because (although i love him dearly), my father is an ass. He's held onto all of the pain from his childhood, and they barely speak. Honestly, I think my father is trying so hard not to be like my grandfather, and he sees himself doing some of the same things and it just makes him angry. My grandfather sees my father doing some of the same things he did and he just gets disgusted. Hate/Hate relationship, you know? I've always wondered whether having a familial link to alcoholism would make you genetically predisposed to being more vulnerable to the bottle. It seems as though my father is 'indulging' himself more and more. Of course, when you call him on it...he is like, "I'm nothing like my father, I can handle my liquor, I can stop drinking anytime I want". Yeah, okay.

[Jill1228]

This is gonna be long!

Both of my in denial parents, have problems with alcohol

Have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting? How long did you contemplate it before actually going? Did you feel comfortable? Could you relate?

No I haven't

What made you realize that you were codependent?
I was ashamed to talk about it. I am not ashamed anymore. Talking about it is therapeautic for me. EFFF that "we don't tell folx our business!" Also when I would put up with my father's BS (who I now refer to as the EX FATHER's, we are now estranged). My sister is still extremely codependent (cmon, she is 39 and still lives at home). She thinks I am a biatch, because I said, "until a person hits rock bottom and wants to do something about it, there is nothing you can do". She sees me as an uncaring biatch.

Have you read any books on the topic? If so, which ones?

[b]Yes, "Toxic Parents" by Dr. Susan Forward. Great book. I highly recommend! And there is one called "Adult Children of Alcoholics"

Did you seek therapy?
Yup! Been in and out of therapy for years. I am also on antidepressants. I have severe depression and severe PTSD (Post Truamatic Stress Disorder) As I said above "Eff that we don't tell folx our bidness"! If it helps me, they can kiss my butt! (I am also a survivor of child abuse). Had I not sought help I would not be here! (as in suicide)

Are the alcoholics still in your life?
Yes and no. My mother is, but I keep her at a distance, literally and figuratively...being 3000 miles away was part of my healing process My ex-father is no longer in my life, when he disrespected me about my wedding, that was THE last straw. (My parents are divorced) I cut all ties. I learned one thing...when a person says something when theyI are drunk, it is their true feelings...they just don't have the F-ing balls to say it when they are sober. And when they say "I am sorry, it will not happen again" they are full of isht!

How do you deal with them as adults?
See above. I pretty much consider my ex father dead (and G-d forgive me when he dies I will NOT go to his funeral!). My mom, I will call her out in a New York Minute. Besides, I will NEVER EVER forgive her for the hell she put us thru. (after my parents divorced) she hooked up with an abusive prick...IMO sacrificed her kids for a man (found out she was cheating on my now ex-father with him). He treated her like a queen at first. Meanwhite treating us like isht, and she did nothing about it. I think only after a few years of getting her azz beat in later years, she got rid of him. (The main reason for my PTSD and therapy)

Do you have a new family of your own? How does it affect relationships with your new family?
Yes I am married. I do NOT put up with abusive behavior in any way shape or form. As a result, I am not much of a drinker


How do you think it affects your non-romantic relationships?
If I feel I need help, it is like "EFF this!" I have to watch for number one! I will NOT pull the "we gotta look like/act like a big ol happy family BS"

As you can see I have no problem talking about it and if you want to ask me questions, either ask me here or send a PM

[Ideal08]

I am SO happy that people are willing to discuss this. And I guess I am ready to share my story. First, the books that I bought:

Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA) by Janet Geringer Woititz, Ed.D
Another Chance by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse
Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

I've read a little in each book when I was in the bookstore, and they are all really interesting. I am starting with ACoA basically because it is the easiest read. I am learning a lot about myself and why I do the things that I do. It's scary, but necessary.

A couple of years ago, I met a soror online. I remember us talking about how we never quite felt like we fit in anywhere. I SO identified with that, and still do (although I've never shared that with anyone BUT her, until now). Now I understand why. I knew that it had something to do with my family being dysfunctional, but I would have never guessed that it was because of the alcoholism. I am going to email that soror today to ask her if she grew up in a family plagued by alcoholism.

This is something that I've never really talked about. Not with family, friends, sorors, not even my closest LS. But I've always said, silence breeds confusion, and I'm tired of being confused.

My story: My maternal grandfather was an alcoholic. My uncle hardly EVER visited us. EVER. And when me and my grandmother would go to the Bronx to visit him, my grandfather couldn't go. I used to think that was JACKED up beyond belief. He didn't see my grandfather for years until my grandpa died. I knew why, I always did, but I felt like my uncle wasn't being forgiving; after all, that was his FATHER. But my grandfather did some REALLY jacked up stuff to my mom and my uncle when they were kids, not to mention others. He was a violent drunk. He was an alcoholic until he died. I grew up with him in the home.

My father was also an alcoholic. He wasn't always violent when he drank, but he could be. I never feared him, but I did sometimes fear what he would do to other people. It was a constant argument between him and my mother (about his drinking). I was always scared they would divorce and I would have to choose a parent. But they never did. They were married until they died. My father also drank until his death.

My mother was ALSO an alcoholic. BUT, I didn't admit this until about 5 or 6 years after she passed away. I thought since she got on my father so tough about it, she couldn't possible be one, too. Even though my grandmother TOLD me that she was. She, too, drank until her death.

So, it seems that NO ONE went to AA. Not once. And no one ever told me about Al-Anon, either. It definitely affects the family. Both of my sisters are addicts. One actually stopped drug use about ten years ago, after our parents died. However, she started back drinking after she had been sober for about five years (she attended Narcotics Anonymous meetings). She, too, is an alcoholic. We are not talking right now because of the way she is when she drinks. I can't continue to deal with what I dealt with growing up in regards to alcoholism. I just can't.

I know that I have basically put all of my business out there. But I am hoping that someone will benefit in some way from reading this. We have to begin to share our stories. I used to be embarrassed by ALL of this. But now I realize that none of this is a reflection of me; I was BORN into this madness. Maybe through sharing, we can start to heal.

Thank you to those who shared their stories (here and via pm). I hope we can continue this conversation. If anyone would like to read the books and discuss them online bookclub style, let me know.

I still can't believe I shared all of that.

[CrimsonTide4]

(((((((((((((Moni)))))))))))))))

Girl I know, trust me, I do. My parents and drugs.

You know like I always say I may not understand but I'll listen.

[Ideal08]

Originally posted by CrimsonTide4
My parents and drugs.

I remember. (((((Hugz)))))

[FeeFee]

Originally posted by 1savvydiva
I've always wondered whether having a familial link to alcoholism would make you genetically predisposed to being more vulnerable to the bottle. It seems as though my father is 'indulging' himself more and more. Of course, when you call him on it...he is like, "I'm nothing like my father, I can handle my liquor, I can stop drinking anytime I want". Yeah, okay.

I've read somewhere that there may be a genetic link to alcoholism or the propensity for drinking. I hope that it is not true.

Hugs to everyone who had to deal with any type of chemical dependency (meaning family members):

(((((HUGS)))))

[ladygreek]

Originally posted by FeeFee
I've read somewhere that there may be a genetic link to alcoholism or the propensity for drinking. I hope that it is not true.

Hugs to everyone who had to deal with any type of chemical dependency (meaning family members):

(((((HUGS)))))

I was told that, too. I am not sure if it is to alcohol specifically but to depression which can lead to chemical dependency if untreated. And there are addictive personalities whether it be to alcohol, eating, gambling, or even sex.

[Ideal08]

I just had to come and tell y'all this. I mentioned in a PM conversation about my "friend" in Ohio and how I was afraid to share any of this with him. Now, he has been with me through thick and thin and knows all the crap about me, yet he is STILL in my life. So he calls today to share some stuff with me. So I decided to share SOME of this with him. One of the things I learned in the ACoA book was that we are afraid that if people find out what really happened in our lives/homes, they will leave us. I have ALWAYS thought this!!! It doesn't make it any better that my ex could not deal with my emotional issues. So the last thing I wanted to do was share this with my friend. But the Almighty showed me exactly why I love this man. I told him about the books and everything without going into too much detail. He told me that what I am doing is very noble and courageous. Why is it that I can never tell when I exhibit courage? Anyway, I told him that one day I would tell him some of the stories of things that happened in my house. His response? "That's cool. When you're ready. I'll never stop loving you." Y'all, this made me cry. Now I know why I love him so much. This gives me the courage to renew other friendships that I have "pushed away."

But I posted this so that others can see that people will STILL love us regardless of the disease that plagued our families. We can STILL have positive, loving relationships. Other people will never be as hard on us as we are on ourselves.

[Ideal08]

After watching Intervention tonight, I thought of this thread, but could not remember what the title was. I am so search challenged. Anyway...

After watching that episode, I realize that everyone's experience is totally different. No one in my family drank every day; they had drinking binges. But her laying out on the front lawn totally took me back. And I totally felt for those kids because it SUCKS being a kid in that type of environment. I rarely took friends to my house because you just never knew what type of craziness awaited.

And the comment I made about my uncle never coming around and not bringing his kids around... I totally understand now. My child will spend VERY LITTLE time in Cleveland. And it's just my sisters and my niece, none of whom have ever done anything to me. But their lifestyle is just not one I want my child exposed to. Kids should not have to witness that madness.

Now this post down here, I totally forgot about that conversation. The friend I refer to is now my manfriend. I have shared some stuff with him, but still not the whole. And I've not taken him to Cleveland yet, either. I know now that we are in it together for the long haul, but I still am scared to death for him to meet my family in all their craziness. I love them, but I don't love their crazy.

He really didn't stop loving me. *sigh* I love him.

I haven't done so well renewing those other friendships. That's on my to-do list.

Another thing: after reading those books, I learned why I developed my "peacemaker" mentality. My sisters are not talking to each other and I refuse to play the game with them anymore. I will not send messages between the two and I will not patch them up. I am TIRED of the roles. I still try to keep the peace in other areas of my life, but I refuse to do it with them anymore.

Originally Posted by Ideal08

I just had to come and tell y'all this. I mentioned in a PM conversation about my "friend" in Ohio and how I was afraid to share any of this with him. Now, he has been with me through thick and thin and knows all the crap about me, yet he is STILL in my life. So he calls today to share some stuff with me. So I decided to share SOME of this with him. One of the things I learned in the ACoA book was that we are afraid that if people find out what really happened in our lives/homes, they will leave us. I have ALWAYS thought this!!! It doesn't make it any better that my ex could not deal with my emotional issues. So the last thing I wanted to do was share this with my friend. But the Almighty showed me exactly why I love this man. I told him about the books and everything without going into too much detail. He told me that what I am doing is very noble and courageous. Why is it that I can never tell when I exhibit courage? Anyway, I told him that one day I would tell him some of the stories of things that happened in my house. His response? "That's cool. When you're ready. I'll never stop loving you." Y'all, this made me cry. Now I know why I love him so much. This gives me the courage to renew other friendships that I have "pushed away."

But I posted this so that others can see that people will STILL love us regardless of the disease that plagued our families. We can STILL have positive, loving relationships. Other people will never be as hard on us as we are on ourselves.

[darling1]

Originally posted by Ideal08
I am SO happy that people are willing to discuss this. And I guess I am ready to share my story. First, the books that I bought:

Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoA) by Jaent Geringer Woititz, Ed.D
Another Chance by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse
Codependent No More

I've read a little in each book when I was in the bookstore, and they are all really interesting. I am starting with ACoA basically because it is the easiest read. I am learing a lot about myself and why I do the things that I do. It's scary, but necessary.

A couple of years ago, I met a soror online. I remember us talking about how we never quite felt like we fit in anywhere. I SO identified with that, and still do (although I've never shared that with anyone BUT her, until now). Now I understand why. I knew that it had something to do with my family being dysfunctional, but I would have never guessed that it was because of the alcoholism. I am going to email that soror today to ask her if she grew up in a family plagued by alcoholism.

This is something that I've never really talked about. Not with family, friends, sorors, not even my closest LS. But I've always said, silence breeds confusion, and I'm tired of being confused.

My story: My maternal grandfather was an alcoholic. My uncle hardly EVER visited us. EVER. And when me and my grandmother would go to the Bronx to visit him, my grandfather couldn't go. I used to think that was JACKED up beyond belief. He didn't see my grandfather for years until my grandpa died. I knew why, I always did, but I felt like my uncle wasn't being forgiving; after all, that was his FATHER. But my grandfather did some REALLY jacked up stuff to my mom and my uncle when they were kids, not to mention others. He was a violent drunk. He was an alcoholic until he died. I grew up with him in the home.

My father was also an alcoholic. He wasn't always violent when he drank, but he could be. I never feared him, but I did sometimes fear what he would do to other people. It was a constant argument between him and my mother (about his drinking). I was always scared they would divorce and I would have to choose a parent. But they never did. They were married until they died. My father also drank until his death.

My mother was ALSO an alcoholic. BUT, I didn't admit this until about 5 or 6 years after she passed away. I thought since she got on my father so tough about it, she couldn't possible be one, too. Even though my grandmother TOLD me that she was. She, too, drank until her death.

So, it seems that NO ONE went to AA. Not once. And no one ever told me about Al-Anon, either. It definitely affects the family. Both of my sisters are addicts. One actually stopped drug use about ten years ago, after our parents died. However, she started back drinking after she had been sober for about five years (she attended Narcotics Anonymous meetings). She, too, is an alcoholic. We are not talking right now because of the way she is when she drinks. I can't continue to deal with what I dealt with growing up in regards to alcoholism. I just can't.

I know that I have basically put all of my business out there. But I am hoping that someone will benefit in some way from reading this. We have to begin to share our stories. I used to be embarrassed by ALL of this. But now I realize that none of this is a reflection of me; I was BORN into this madness. Maybe through sharing, we can start to heal.

Thank you to those who shared their stories (here and via pm). I hope we can continue this conversation. If anyone would like to read the books and discuss them online bookclub style, let me know.

I still can't believe I shared all of that.

(((((hugs)))) ideal!!!!!

parents, drugs, mental illness, physical and sexual abuse. i know i have shared my story and i am glad you were courageous enough to share yours.

anything you do whether its counseling, reading, talking or writing, that will help you to accept and heal is a great thing.

we as a people need to stop this archaic crap about keeping 'bidness' private. the affects are truly damaging.

ideal you are a brave and courageous sister!!! stay encouraged. you can always pm or e-mail me. .

[ClassyLady]

Originally posted by FeeFee
I've read somewhere that there may be a genetic link to alcoholism or the propensity for drinking. I hope that it is not true.

I do believe that there is a genetic link to alcoholism. One of my teachers in high school told me that those who carry this certain gene will actually become addicted to alcohol. Others will just be heavy drinkers. I don't know about the science behind it (hopefully AKA Monet will pop in and school us), but I do know that my maternal grandfather's family were all alcoholics.

My grandfather was an alcoholic and a very violent drunk. He used to abuse my grandmother when he had been drinking. She ended up leaving him once my mother and aunt went off to college. I have so much respect for my grandmother to be able to separate from her husband at a time when it was still considered taboo, early 1960s.

My grandfather never sought help and drank until he died. I never really knew him but I can see the effect that his drinking had on my mother and aunt. My mother almost never drinks. She may have a glass of wine at a really special dinner, but she steers away from liquor. She warned my sisters and me to watch out once we left for college because, in her words, "we got the gene."

My aunt on the other hand was an alcoholic and drug user all of her life. She passed away last year. She never sought help and it completely ruined her life. She had gone to college and married a successful banker. But, her addiction took all of that away. She hadn't had a steady job since the 1970s, her husband left her, and all three of her children were taken away. My oldest cousin was raised by my grandmother and the twins were taken by social services at such a young age that they don't even consider us family.

Although I spent a lot of time with my aunt as a child, I was fortunate to have a stable home life where my parents let me know that what she was doing was not right. I can really see the effect that my aunt's addiction has had on my cousin. My mother, father, and grandmother tried as much as possible to provide her with a stable and loving home life, but as she got older, I think that she began to resent them for their efforts. To this day, I really think that she feels like she isn't worthy of pure love.

[Steeltrap]

(((((to Soror Ideal and Sister-Soror CT4)))))