My long, sordid rush story...need advice!

beachgal118 · #1 07-18-2003, 11:20 PM

Hey y'all! Okay, I have been lurking around greek chat for about a year and have yet to post. I have seen how kind and helpful everyone is, so I know that you all can give me some good advice. Okay- I went to an out -of -state college where I didn't know a single person. I'd rather not say where until after rush . It is in the south, but I'm not sure you would consider it to have a true "southern rush". Anyways, I went through rush last year (as a freshman) and it was a disaster. I didnt get any recs (they are supposedly "not necessary, but helpful" at my school, but I have a feeling they are more important than that). I went into recruitment with an open mind, and was excited about finding a sisterhood that was right for me. Well, after the first round of rush, I was disappointed that a couple of houses had cut me, but was generally optomistic because I still had some great houses to return to, including my favorite. However, right before the house tours, I was heavily cut. I was only asked back to 3 houses, when most people attended 5 parties that day. I was extremely upset. Of the 3 houses I went to, I only saw myself as potentially belonging to one. But even that was a stretch. Around this time, I found out that my aunt was an alum of my favorite house (which I had been cut from). I know that doesnt make me a direct legacy, but it still could have helped. The rest of rush is a blur, I just remember crying every night on the phone with my parents. When it came time to sign my bid card, I had no idea what to do. I wanted to join a sorority, but not just any sorority. I wanted to belong to a group that I was excited about and where I felt I belonged. I wanted to be all about the house I joined. At the same time, I knew that if I didn't go greek at all, I would miss out on a lot. I talked this over and over with my rho chi. I suspected she belonged to the house I had fallen in love with, so I felt a little akward. I could tell she was really hesitant to give me advice. My other rho chi told me that I could give it a try, and if I didnt like it, I could drop before initiation. I ended up suiciding the house that I sort of liked and I got the bid. Unfortunately, this was not one of those cases where you end up loving the house that you weren't crazy about at the beginning. It just was not right for me- I was miserable. I also kept wondering "what if I had known my aunt belonged to xyz?" and "what if i rushed again?" (being a sophomore rushee doesnt hinder one too much at my school) I kept in touch with my rho chi (who did in fact belong to my fave house). She told me that if I didn't like it and would not be happy there for four years, then I should de-pledge and that I would still have the opportunity to rush again next year. After weeks of trying to decide what to do, I depledged. In retrospect, I know I made the right choice because to me, your letters are forever. It wouldnt have been fair to me or the org that I joined if I had stayed because my heart wasn't in it. ALso, I am sooo excited about rushing next year. I have recs secured to most of the chapters, I know what to expect, and I feel much more prepared. Last year was a wake up call for me; in high school everything came easily for me. I was dance team captain, national honor society, straight A's, homecoming queen, and all that. My bad rush experience was actually a blessing-I learned that I can fall flat on my face and pick myself up and that I can make it on my own, at a college where nobody knows who I am. It was very humbling. I stilll have my favorite house, but know that I would be happy in several others as well. I'm not going to be dead set on that one house. Given all this, what do you all think about my situation? I'm really nervous about having another bad experience. I'm also not looking forward to going back to the house that I de-pledged during rush. Any words of wisdom or advice? I've done enough rambling for one night!

SigkapAlumWSU · #2 07-18-2003, 11:33 PM

I say go for it. You made a very difficult decision to depledge, but if you knew that you wouldn't be happy, then you made the right choice. You obviously are going into this again with a very open mind, and many people might have been soured on the same experience.

We had a girl pledge a couple of years back, and then depledge, and go through Formal Rush again. I don't know the background behind why she depledged, but I do know that we still really liked her and kept inviting her back. After the first day, she wouldn't come into the house, and sat outside with her Rho Chi for the entire party. We kind of got the clue that even though we still liked her, she was obviously uncomforable, and we cut her after that. We hoped that she would have the chance to go to a chapter that made her happier. Just remember that if you don't want to go to a party, you don't have to. And I'm sure that this time, you'll find the right place for you!

Buttonz · #3 07-18-2003, 11:52 PM

Good luck going through rush again! I don't blame you for thinking that you will feel weird going back to the house that you depledged, but keep in mind, you will be seeing them when you become a sister! Keep us posted

(How many other sororites dose your school have?)

beachgal118 · #4 07-19-2003, 12:59 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Buttonz
Good luck going through rush again! I don't blame you for thinking that you will feel weird going back to the house that you depledged, but keep in mind, you will be seeing them when you become a sister! Keep us posted (How many other sororites dose your school have?)

I'm new at this, so I don't know if I quoted your question right...there are 9 sororities on my campus...and about 500-600 girls who rush. Most houses have 120 members or so.

adpiucf · #5 07-19-2003, 01:08 AM

Hi there!

It may feel awkward to go into the house where you pledged last year when you go through this year's Recruitment as a PNM again, but if anything--- you've grown in the past year, and so have the women in the chapter. Just go inside and talk.

Keep this in mind-- When a new member cancels her membership, sisters aren't angry; just sad, so please don't feel intimidated. It's also not something highly publicized to the chapter.
You may end up meeting up with some of the women who were in your new member class and have a great conversation-- there's something to think about that will help ease your mind, as you probably feel a little awkard about going back. You may even turn out to like that chapter and see yourself there-- or you may feel the same way about this year as you did last year, and it's more of a place to catch up with familiar faces and hone your conversation and think of good questions you can ask in each house.

Good luck

justamom · #6 07-19-2003, 07:52 AM

My niece went through something similar at A&M. (Your description of yourself fits her to a "T")

The only difference is, she went to pref, but didn't sign a bid card. She wanted to be a Theta. She was very good friends with a few and the next year, they really pulled for her. She went to KKG and Theta pref and said she could have been happy in either house. There were other houses as well that she also liked.
If she had not swallowed her pride and gone back with head held high, she wouldn't have become a THETA. You can do it! Sometimes, after spending a year on campus, you can have a little bit of an edge if you have good friends on the inside and people have seen you around. Wanted to add it sounds like your Rho Chi did a good job.

mmcat · #7 07-19-2003, 08:16 AM

number one...i echo the statement on your increased maturity. use the opportunity to chat and get caught up.
number two...if you don't do it, you will always ask yourself "what if?"
now hold your head up and prepare to have some fun with this. we're with you.
lol

beachgal118 · #8 07-19-2003, 09:42 AM

justamom- How did your niece feel about going through a second time? I think it is great that she ended up where she wanted to. It says a lot that she was willing to sit out a year rather than settle. Still, it must have been hard to wait- I know it was for me!

Thanks for the encouragement everyone! I'll keep you posted with what happens

volgirl2376 · #9 07-19-2003, 09:52 AM

beachgal - i just wanted to say that you sound like you are in this for exactly the right reasons and any house would be lucky to have you! good luck!!

beachgal118 · #10 07-19-2003, 09:58 AM

one more question I forgot to ask- How should I handle the topic of depledging at the other houses. Should I only mention it if it comes up in conversation, or should I bring it up, or should I completely avoid it? Do you think it will tarnish the other houses impression of me? Also, I depledged very tactfully. I talked to the chapter president and vice-president about my feelings and they were pretty understanding. I still talk to some of the girls that are in that house. I was never rude or anything like that. I think I left on good terms for the most part.

justamom · #11 07-19-2003, 10:03 AM

Our family kind of takes recruitment seriously...you'd never know that by my posts would ya!

It was sooooo hard. We ALL cried and cried. She just stayed friends with the girls she met during rush. School was her main focus-she is now a Dr. of Dermatology so you can imagine her intense study habits. She's always had a lot of confidence so being cut like that really took her by surprise.

When she decided to rush again, it was a deliberate decision. Her friends encouraged her, but of course she was nervous. Never the type to look back, she had a good idea who she was interested in and was MORE open to a variety of possibilities than before. (Our town beats the drum on a very few due to tons of alums in certain sororities) Anyway, she was congenial to all and
all were to her. Her second rush was totally different from her first. In many ways she is a good example of why women should give it another try if it's something they really want. Recruitment at A & M is ANYTHING but a cake walk...

33girl · #12 07-19-2003, 12:03 PM

beachgal,

You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and have learned some important things very quickly that often take people a lifetime to figure out. Good for you.

Going back to the house you depledged - just chat and hang out with the girls you still talk to. It is possible that you will be more comfortable here than at the other houses, simply because you will be more familiar with the girls. If you really don't want to be here, don't let that confuse you. Also, don't mislead them into thinking you want to come back if you don't.

As far as telling the other houses you depledged, it depends on how much groups know about other groups. They might already be aware of your situation. If they ask why you didn't rush last year though, tell them the truth - "I got a bid to XYZ and began pledging, but it just wasn't the right place for me."

beachgal118 · #13 07-19-2003, 12:06 PM

volgirl-Thanks for the support! You go to UT I take it?? My dad went to law school there and he ALWAYS raves about it ( we live in Virginia). I went with him to the homecoming football game a few years back and it was crazy! What an awesome place. I also have a couple of girlfriends who go there, one is a Kappa and the other is a DG!

MSKKG · #14 07-19-2003, 12:16 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by adpiucf
Keep this in mind-- When a new member cancels her membership, sisters aren't angry; just sad, so please don't feel intimidated.

I agree.

KappaKittyCat · #15 07-21-2003, 01:41 PM

I second my Mississippi sister's agreement.

Beachgal118, your girlfriends could probably write you recommendations. I know that in Kappa, actives (undergrads) can write recommendations for women going through recruitment at schools other than their own. I've written them for younger sisters of friends, etc. It's worth an ask!

About discussing your depledging, don't bring it up, but if you're asked about it (e.g. "Didn't you go through recruitment last year? What happened?"), I agree with 33girl. Just be honest and tactful, which it sounds like you are, and you should be fine. If a PNM came through a second time after having depledged a different group, I would think that Greek life and a good fit into a sisterhood meant a lot to her.

Good luck-- it sounds like you're doing this for all the right reasons.