"You'll end up where you were meant to"...

[carnation]

Hey guys--

So often when a rushee posts her experiences, someone will say, "Don't worry, you'll end up where you were meant to!" or something along those lines. It worries me every time because you know how quirky rush is and sometimes "our" GC rushees don't get bids.

Furthermore, PNMs at the big schools--like SEC schools--very often do not end up in a sorority where they were meant to be. The sororities have to cut big numbers right off and I have seen so many heartbroken PNMs who were active, involved, precious, leaders in their schools, well-liked, you name it--who found themselves with only (shall we say) "troubled" sororities from which to choose. Can't you just picture their dismay if they think that's all they're good for? And no, not all women want to take the bull by the horns and try to turn around a very weak group.

I've put off posting this for months because I didn't know how to say it in a PC way but finally decided I had to say it. Women from SEC schools will understand!

[localsororities]

Amen!

[tcsparky]

Perhaps instead we should say- "Good luck. We hope it'll work out for you." Vague, yes, but maybe more in step with what really happens.

[shadokat]

Well, I don't speak from any SEC experience, but I speak from someone who "ended up where she was meant to". I agree that some folks don't want to take the bull by the horns and rebuild a weak sorority, but if that's where you were meant to be, why is that so terrible?? I guess my problem with what you said carnation, and you know I love you!, is that with an open mind, weak sororities may not be so weak and strong sororities may not be so strong. It's, of course, ridiculous to think that everyone will go through recruitment with an open mind, but I honestly believe that if every woman who has all those GREAT qualities you describe was meant only to go to the strong houses she thinks she belongs in, then of course, we'll never rebuild all of our houses and continue greek traditions.

My advice for rushees, before you think you don't belong somewhere just because of a reputation, try with an open mind to see if you do belong. Sometimes it just takes an open mind to realize that some women really do end up where they were meant to be.

[FuzzieAlum]

There are girls who end up in the right place - after first pledging somewhere else. And there are girls who don't end up anywhere, when they in fact are fine candidates for sisterhood. There are girls who depledge because they find out their chapter drinks too much, and they assume other organizations are the same way.

Not everyone ends up in the right place, even if that's what we wish for them!

I agree that "weaker" chapters might be exactly right for some people (heck, I deliberately picked a smaller chapter on my campus), but if a girl feels very strongly that a "weak" group is not what she wants, no one can make her be happy there. It won't be right for her.

[carnation]

Hey shadokat!

I didn't mean small or new sororities, I meant seriously weak! The kind that even a rushee can tell will fold within a couple of years. There was this one sorority at an SEC school this year that was incredibly awful and had very, very few PNMs return for second parties as opposed to the 200 or so everyone else got. The chapter president's younger sister cried when that was the only pref invitation she got. Very often on a big campus, there are 1 or 2 sororities like that.

At large SEC schools (or just very selective schools), the rushees who seem to have the most choices are those who have not only succeeded in high school but have visited the campus several times in high school and made lots of friends. (Or they already had those older friends in high school.) Often, the PNMs who get overlooked during a mass rush may be from smaller towns or out-of-state or by unfortunate coincidence, went to a high school where there were tons of truly outstanding girls and the sororities know they can't take them all.

A PNM who has been a big success in high school usually wants to pledge a sorority that is really active and visible on campus, the kind who can make her a big success and open doors for her on campus! For instance, at Auburn it was well known that if you wanted to be selected for certain popular activities, you'd better belong to certain sororities that could get your foot in the door because all their members were from those sororities! Otherwise, forget it. At many schools, the sororities make a big deal about showcasing their members who are in outstanding activities-- and woe to the sororities who have little to tell!

What it boils down to is that I've often been in the rooms where rushees get their invites back and I've seen their shock and horror if they were heavily cut. I'd feel really bad if I'd told some of those girls beforehand that they'd end up where they were supposed to, especially if they were left with 1 or 2 very weak groups...and most especially if they already realized, as many savvy rushees do, that most sororities at such schools never have open rush and worse yet, that sophomores on up tend to have very few choices in rush.

[AXOrushadvisor]

Carnation,
I have found being on the other side of recruitment that a lot of the girls who get cut during first round are those that don't "light up the room" when they walk in the door. The girls that are doing really well in recruitment now that Panhellenic has changed its cutting recommendations are girls who are the "life of the party" Not real active in school, but know how to work a room and have a big personality. My niece is a perfect example. 4.0, captain of the dance team, beautiful, fun, involved, but reserved. Her experience...not so good. Did get into a Chapter that was rebuilding was recruitment chair and pretty much turned the Chapter around.

[AchtungBaby80]

Oh, yeah, I hear what you're saying. A year and a half after joining my group, I still have second thoughts sometimes. I didn't know much about the sororities on my campus before rush, but after the first day I had chosen a certain chapter as my favorite and still wonder why they cut me right before preference. I wasn't heartbroken and didn't cry my eyes out, but I do think about it occasionally. And I also sometimes ask myself what if I cut the wrong sororities, or what if I picked the wrong sorority out of the 3 I preffed. I don't let myself obsess over it because it's important that I make the best of what I chose, but I'm just glad to know I'm not the only person who thought that "you'll end up where you're meant to be" was a bunch of sheeeeeeite.

[Aphigal]

I guess the thing is what defines "weak" Although I have helped chapters for years who are weak in membership, never have I came across a chapter who is weak across the board.

Many of the chapters I have visited with weak recruitment numbers (and all the things that come along with that -weak social calendar, not a great rep on campus, etc etc) have some of the best sisterhood, new member programs, and most inspiring presentation of ritual I have ever seen.

On the flip side those chapters that are "tops" seem to struggle with fiscal management, programming, retention and sometimes risk management or new member education issues.

I guess that no matter where the chapter sits in terms of the rush heap, there are always areas of improvement!

[BearyCuteAPhi]

One can never know what to expect. All we can do is go through recruitment with an open mind and by being your true self. That way whatever happens you know you were yourself and if they did not offer you a bid, you probably didn't belong there anyway.

Ronnie

[The1calledTKE]

Originally posted by carnation
Hey guys--

So often when a rushee posts her experiences, someone will say, "Don't worry, you'll end up where you were meant to!" or something along those lines. It worries me every time because you know how quirky rush is and sometimes "our" GC rushees don't get bids.

Furthermore, PNMs at the big schools--like SEC schools--very often do not end up in a sorority where they were meant to be. The sororities have to cut big numbers right off and I have seen so many heartbroken PNMs who were active, involved, precious, leaders in their schools, well-liked, you name it--who found themselves with only (shall we say) "troubled" sororities from which to choose. Can't you just picture their dismay if they think that's all they're good for? And no, not all women want to take the bull by the horns and try to turn around a very weak group.

I've put off posting this for months because I didn't know how to say it in a PC way but finally decided I had to say it. Women from SEC schools will understand!

good point!

[AXWhoah]

While you all made good points I am inclined to believe that fate has a plan for all of us. Just because a girl doesn't end up in a sorority where she fits in doesn't mean that she isn't a good candidate or anything. Perhaps it just means that it wasn't meant to be. Maybe she wasn't meant to be in a sorority, I believe everything happens for a reason. So maybe we really do end up where we were meant to be, even if that means we're not in a house. Just my humble opinion.

[aggieAXO]

Unfortunately those are the chapters that are most likely to close at least at my school. It is very sad to pledge a sorority and then find out you have to go alum the next semester-this happened to 2 of the sororities on my campus.

Originally posted by Aphigal
I guess the thing is what defines "weak" Although I have helped chapters for years who are weak in membership, never have I came across a chapter who is weak across the board.

Many of the chapters I have visited with weak recruitment numbers (and all the things that come along with that -weak social calendar, not a great rep on campus, etc etc) have some of the best sisterhood, new member programs, and most inspiring presentation of ritual I have ever seen.

On the flip side those chapters that are "tops" seem to struggle with fiscal management, programming, retention and sometimes risk management or new member education issues.

I guess that no matter where the chapter sits in terms of the rush heap, there are always areas of improvement!

[CutiePie2000]

Originally posted by carnation
Hey guys--
So often when a rushee posts her experiences, someone will say, "Don't worry, you'll end up where you were meant to!" or something along those lines. It worries me every time because you know how quirky rush is and sometimes "our" GC rushees don't get bids.

Can't you just picture their dismay if they think that's all they're good for? And no, not all women want to take the bull by the horns and try to turn around a very weak group.

I've put off posting this for months because I didn't know how to say it in a PC way but finally decided I had to say it. Women from SEC schools will understand!

Carnation,
I am really glad that you brought this up, because I am someone who had a disappointing, nay, DEVASTING rush. I rushed and was bid by a group that I did not want to be in at all. I really do feel that there should be some sort of "disclaimer" for girls who are about to embark on rush...they should be forewarned that they could be supremely pleased or supremely disappointed.

I ended up accepting my bid and then turned it down 2 days later. When I opened my bid envelope, I burst in tears because my 2 final parties had been a group that I loved and a group that I did not want to be in whatsoever
(Sidebar: on my campus at that time, we were not ALLOWED to drop sororities, if you got invited back, you had to go. That is how I kept ending up getting invited back to the group that I didn't want, and I would never be so uncouth as to say to someone's face "I don't want to be in this sorority". Panhel has since changed and now PNM's are now allowed to drop groups at that campus.) When I opened my bid and starting crying really hard, my PX pretty well could not console me, and my tears were not that of someone who had gotten their #2 pick, my tears were that I was bid by a group that I did not want and now I was stuck and could not rush again for a whole year. Dropping out prior to this did not even enter my mind, because stupid me, I didn't even know that Informal Rush or COB existed. I just thought...if you don't Formal Rush, there's no other way to become a member in a sorority). Also, when I filled in my bid card, I was bullied by one of the other Rho Chi's who told me that I MUST put down both of Preference Parties; I couldn't put down 1 and then some other groups (I didn't want to Suicide Bid, but I didn't want to put down the group that I didn't want either).

Put it this way, I went to a Sigma Chi party after accepting my bid and burst into tears when I saw the other rushees who were bid by other sororities that I would have longed to be in (I could tell what sororities they had got by their "ribbons"). I returned my bid shortly after that because I knew that I should not go through with pledging this sorority, when I knew in my deepest heart that I would always long to be in one of the other ones.

Now before everyone jumps on me and says, "You should have given that group a chance", please know that I tried, I really did.
However, (to quote Erika XO "nobody goes into rush with the idea of joining the least prestigious chapter on campus. Nobody likes getting cut. It has been said that if you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas. That works in reverse too. If you are part of a group that is thought of as the prettiest, or the smartest, or the richest, or the sweetest & coolest, the perception will be that you have that quality too. It is only natural for people to want to be a part of that." )


I had transferred from a non-Greek university, because my Dad drowned in kayaking accident just after I turned 19 and I wanted to be in a university that was nearer to my family. As it turned out, that nearby university had a Greek system and I thought a sorority would be very good for me, so that I could have a big circle of girlfriends who would support me since I was still in mourning and really needed it. I really would have liked to have been surrounded by a sorority that was strong and established on campus, not one that was in danger of having its charter yanked due to small numbers! In hindsight, I don't think I was able to put my best foot forward duing rush and I don't think I had it "in me" to turn a weak chapter around.

I also have to say, "Can't you just picture their dismay if they think that's all they're good for" hits the nail on the head. I was devasted that I wasn't bid by one of the more (err...) "popular" groups. What can I say, back then, I was 20, things like that are important when you're 20. I saw the stronger, popular sororities, and I pretty well shredded my self-esteem because I thought I didn't get in because I wasn't pretty enough, good enough, cool enough whatever.

Anyhow, I managed to bounce back and 11 years after that disappointing rush, I was alumna initiated into a sorority that I LOVE. But trust me, when I hear of girls who are disappointed in rush, I do feel their pain.

(You can also read more of my disappointing rush experience :
here )

[mmcat]

cutiepie...
quite a post...
i'm glad it all has worked out for you.
mmcat